It's Monday afternoon-evening-ish time. The sky is turning that pale-hesitant-farewell-to-the-sun white and I sit in my cold/warm house, on the soft/hard couch, thinking about this damn-hard/alright life.

Lately it all seems monstrous--this living and bungling. I try to drink tea and breathe, I try to smile and look sort of held together, but really so much is going on internally, I don't even understand it all.

I do know I feel faint and exhausted, genuinely fatigued, depressed, okay, depressed again. I feel my skin getting older and drying out. I feel my knees and shoulders aching. The afternoon headache, the pills bulging from their little plastic slots into my mouth each morning, afternoon, and evening. Do you know what I'm saying? This is my life. This is all of it. And that is all too terrifying.

I don't know. I just know this life isn't at all what I imagined. And I know I'm not supposed to think that way, but oh my god, when I do, I am completely numb and panicked. Seriously, I could scream out in pain and devastation and that wouldn't even express it.

Sadness is so...well sad. Disappointment and frustration are too. As well as pain. Sometimes it hurts to be alive, and sometimes I wonder why I am still in it, but then I just keep going because that is what people do. We go and go even when it hurts, because that's it. That's all we have.

So I go and I guess I could say I am heartbroken. We all have this promise that life will be ok for us, that we will be ok, and safe, and healthy, and in some way we will be happy. What do you do when you realize that isn't really true for you? For your life? What do I do when I realize this isn't true for my life?

The thing is, I thought I knew what to do...but I don't.

xx, C


  1. I wish I could say something uplifting and inspirational but I really don't. I can say that I've listened to Ryan on this subject quite often and he says things like "it's hard to except when you get back from war that you won't have any more 'clean' happy moments. They will always have a shadow over them and that has to become your new normal".
    I don't know if this is as similar to what you're saying as it seems to me but I thought I would share.

  2. Hang in there. I dont have much more I can say either. There will be days where you dont know what you want, but that will pass. :)



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