It's Halloween. How fitting to feel glum on this day. I'm miserable and can't even motivate myself to walk to the kitchen to get my hand-full of pills that promise long-term comfort. I keep telling myself I just need good sleep, but for that I have to wait for an oxygen giving machine and I'm tired of waiting, and feeling totally screwed. So I wait and tell myself it will get better, and the thing is, it probably will, but only for a bit, and really am I just slowing the inevitable? Right now it all feels like shit.


A poem and an excerpt from the book The Art of Struggle written by Michel Houellebecq:


Gestures half-form, then end up in suffering
After walking a bit you'd rather go home
To sprawl in depression and lie on your bed,
Your body of sorrow's heavy with presence.

Outside it's hot and the sky is magnificent,
Life puts the bodies of the young in a spin
And nature calls them to the rite of spring
You're alone, haunted by the image of nothing

And you feel the weight of flesh, and loneliness
And you don't believe in life on this earth
Your worn-out heart flutters and struggles

And makes your limbs go heavy with blood,
You've forgotten how people make love,
Night falls like a sentence of death.


I am not serene
But I am at home,
Angels are holding my hand
I can feel the night falling.


  1. Although it's hard to read and painful to imagine that you're going through that, the poem is beautiful.
    I really really really hope that finally getting some quality rest, when your machine comes, will open up a new beginning for you and you'll be able to move past this.

  2. I am praying for those angels to come hold your hand. If you need me, I can hold it in the meantime... Love you

  3. Dear C, I am praying that your machine comes as soon as possible. Sleep does the body and mind wonders - and this is what you need, I just know it. I hope that you are able to rest soon. XoXo♥


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