It's been a long day.

I am so exhausted for so many reasons and I just feel like I'm melting down. But at the same time I am doing okay and nothing is really wrong. That's kind of normal for me.

I feel empty inside. This is nothing new. I have felt empty seriously for my entire life and nothing really changes that, I might get temporary relief but it's fleeting. I've tried god, I've tried other people, I've tried consumerism, I've tried creativity, I've tried therapy and seeking help. But in the end there is that undying loss of breath feeling that I can never, ever, ever be full. It makes me sad. 

I don't really talk much about how lost and unfulfilled I feel. But it's an everyday struggle, even on good days. I keep it a secret because I don't want to let people down, I don't even tell my therapist how bad it is. I worry everyone will think I am unappreciative or spoiled and that I am a lost cause of just need to try harder. The thing is I am trying so hard, I have tried hard for years and its still there like an uninvited stranger.

But for now I have four sleeping dogs in the house (We are watching my in-laws bulldog Winnie). Seeing them all sleep, and living in some sort of peace makes me happy. Also Ronald is here working, and knowing he is here is nice. And there are candles to light, and flowers, and a chocolate cake to eat for dessert. So life goes on like a whirligig. And here I am. And oh, I am here. And oh, hem-haw it hurts.

xx, C

Post Script:

Cricket got a clean bill of health at the vet today which is good news. She is adjusting well, although I know she is going to need a lot of extra care and attention to get over her fears. It kind of reminds me of myself with my depression and other issues. We all have scars and broken bits, so it's nice to be able to give comfort to another living thing that I know has been hurting. I really am smitten with her and so proud of how brave she has been. 


  1. I'm glad your Cricket is doing well and I hope you two can give each other strength.

  2. She is a brave little girl, much like you. And she needs a caring mommy right now... So glad she got the right family1

  3. I know exactly how you feel Catherine... I'm struggling with the emptiness every day too. We have to try and live for the small moments... and try never to lose sight of the magic! xx

    1. I'm sorry you have the emptiness too. I wish I could make it so no one feels this way. But you are right, it's the little things we need to hold on to.

      xx, C

  4. Very glad to hear your lil' Cricket is healthy!

  5. hey c sorry u feel this way chick i had it most of my life too, i know what causes mine tho i had a baby boy who died when i was young so i put my emptiness down to that :-( not been able to have another one dosnt help me either, dnt u no y u so empty hun? do u no whats missing if so maybes u could make it better xxx glad about ur pet maybe il get one :-) take care hun cxxx


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