More Lisbon!

Hi Sweet!

Still missing Lisbon, but getting adjusted to being back home. I so hope Ronald and I can go back one day! I want to go back to the palace by the coast and have some gelato!

I wish we bought more souvenirs, that I bought one more meter of blue lace, was more talkative, stayed a few more days, and took more photographs. But we do have some amazing memories, photographs, and we fell in love with Europe!

xo, C


This is me

I don't like keeping secrets. Especially when I realize that the reason I am keeping a secret is because I am afraid. Afraid of what people will think. Afraid of being redefined. Afraid of being judged. Ridiculed. Hated. I'm no longer keeping this secret because I am done living in fear. I am a riot girl, a feminist, and an activist at heart, and keeping secrets out of fear is the opposite of the person I want to be. So here goes...

I'm bisexual. I've known for years and came out to Ronald about a year ago. He is awesome and supportive, even more reason I am honored to be his lady. I wasn't planning on coming out publicly but after watching this youtube video Saturday I started sobbing and doing lots of thinking, I don't want to keep such a big part of myself a secret purely out of fear of the repercussions. I am so proud of everyone who has come out, who is being true to the world and themselves. It is hard, and so brave. I am tired of supporting the LGBT community while pretending I am not one of them. I am standing with them and raising my hand, I am part of the LGBT community.

The thing is, being bisexual isn't just a sexual preference, it's a part of your identity, my identity, who I am. I am so proud of the Supreme Court and the progress our country is making, it has taken too long, but at least it's happening now. I am ecstatic thinking about all the marriages that are in the works right now for LGBT couples!

I don't want to feel pent up, I don't want to feel like I have to keep part of my identity hidden. I want to live free, congruently, and joyously. I want to be true to myself first. Plus, if this can help one person feel less alone, than all the fear I am facing is worth it.

If you have questions, thoughts, support, feel free to leave a comment.

So this is me. This is me being free. And this is awesome.

xo, C


Lisbon, I miss you

Hi Lovely!

We are back in the states and the adjustment has been hard. I miss Europe so much as well as the people we met. Getting over jet lag isn't fun, and just getting back into normal life is overwhelming. I figured some stuff out this trip and had a lot of experiences with being vulnerable, which was great. I'm looking forward to bringing the things I learned into my everyday life. I'm also going to do my best to keep in contact with the people we met.

I feel like I left a part of my heart in Lisbon. I have never had an experience quite like it. To be honest, I wasn't ready to come home and I have cried a lot of sloppy tears. But I'm doing my best to enjoy our life here. I love our house, how much nature is around us, and how quiet our street is! I love sharing my life with Ronald and our pups. Things are good, and are just going to get better.

xo, C


Lisbon kids

The door to our apartment! It's three stories up steep marble stairs and no lift!
Our street. Rue Nova Do Almada.
Most of the sidewalks have amazing patterns, all different!
Our street. We even have a Starbucks and Benefit Cosmetics (good thing as I am almost out of foundation!).
I loved this store front. So art nouveau!

One of the amazing fountains in the main square of Chiado, just a few blocks from where we are staying!

Another of the fountain.
The statue  in the front is a mermaid but her tail doesn't start until past her knees!

Hi Love!

So we are in Lisbon! We have been here since Friday! We love it here! Today is my first day on my own. I'm a little nervous I will get lost but mostly excited! I'm planning on exploring and also getting some rest. It is so loud on our street and we don't have a/c so have to leave some windows open at night. Last night they picked up garbage so it was really hard to sleep! We also get mosquitos in the place but it's better to have a bug bite than to not be able to sleep due to the heat. 

Luckily today it will be in the 70s. The first few days it was in the 90s and we have to walk everywhere, the streets are very hilly so it's exhausting. We are having so much fun though! We are right near the coast (not a beach but more of an inlet) and it's surrounded by a palace!

It is so amazing here. We just don't have this kind of history in the states. I honestly wish we could live here. To be surrounded by so much beauty and history is fantastic and I never thought I would have the opportunity to have an experience like this!

So far we have taken over 400 photos! I have a Polaroid Instax camera that I'm going to use today, as well as my DSLR. Excited to get more photos! I will keep sharing them on the blog, so stay tuned.

Some funny things have happened. We tried to order Portuguese beer, but ended up being served Heineken, we also got lost with a taxi driver and she almost ran a pedestrian over! Funny thing was they hardly reacted (they drive over 60 mph on side streets!). Ronald had to carry 100 pounds of luggage up three flights of stairs at once, he also almost got ran over by a trolley car. Last night we were so tired we just had McDonald's, some wine, and watched The Flash on my laptop. We are party animals...

Oh and the pastry is as good as they say. My favorite thing is a sort of sugared donut hole with custard in the middle. I will probably get one today, as well as some beer (you can sit outside at a cafe on the palace grounds and drink and eat!), and maybe some gelato for dessert!

They have a street full of fabric stores too. I am going to buy some fabric today and I am absolutely thrilled! Will be interesting to try to order fabric in Portuguese! There are so many things I want to take home but we just don't have a lot of space. We'll see what I can do...

So the adventures continue...excited to share them with you!

xo, C


I am not a blogger

vintage school cards available in the shop

So I just had a little "aha" moment. I realized I'm not a "blogger" and that I'm ok with that. Now that sounds kind of weird, because I have a blog and all, but let me explain...

I have always read posts full of tips on blogging and I used to read blogs like crazy. Now I maybe read four or less posts a day because they just made me feel pressure and inadequacy. I have less than 100 followers and I have blogged for years, I don't keep a schedule and only really blog when I feel like it. I have tried keeping schedules, but it just never worked. I thought it was because I'm not committed enough but now I'm realizing it may not be what I want. And that's ok.

I don't really know what I want to do, or how I want to fill my days. But I know I want it bad. I think my path is pretty uncharted so far and it is extremely frustrating. At the same time, there is a sense of freedom in it all. Other than working on my health (fighting depression, fibromyalgia, etc), I can basically do whatever the fuck I want. My days are my own and that's pretty awesome. I also feel a little lost. 

I want to have a course plotted, to just goddamn know the direction I'm heading. But I guess all I know is I'm heading to better. And that's fantastic. After eleven years of struggling with intense hopelessness, to be able to have hope again and look forward to things is amazing.

My main focus is freedom, finding freedom within myself, and experiencing freedom everyday. This means the pressure I feel about measuring up to some blogging standard doesn't work for me. My blog can be whatever I want it to be. There is no course for it, it is uncharted (just like me), and instead of feeling lost in it, I am going to work on understanding the freedom it brings. When there are no rules there is room for creation, there is room for exploration. That is the way I want to live my life. 

I love blogging, but I never want to feel like there is a rulebook on how to blog, because honestly, there isn't. I am going to take the pressure off my blogging life and see where it takes me and where it takes this space. 

xo, C 


Let's go!

Hi Beauties,

So Ronald is back home. He arrived yesterday but we haven't really had any time together to catch up, as he is busy with work. Luckily the weekend is coming and then we leave for Lisbon next Thursday!

I can't believe the trip is coming so soon! I'm really looking forward to it. Besides Mexico, it's my first trip internationally where there is a language barrier. I am worried about that as I only know how to say a few things. But I have a very handy little english to portuguese dictionary, so we'll get through. 

Our trip is part business so I will have a few days on my own while we are there. I'm looking forward to it but also have to be brave and fight my anxiety. It's going to be pretty amazing though! 

I can't wait to share my photographs and all our adventures. For now there are errands, packing lists, and gardens to tend.

xo, C


"Sometimes the healing is in the aching"

Hi Love,

I haven't posted about deep things in a while. I get shy and tired of it and want to keep quiet. But here I am, braving the morning and typing away, so let's get deep!

Ronald goes on a business trip for three nights tomorrow, and I'm going to be home alone. I usually go with him for many reasons. I have this huge fear of R abandoning me, mainly due to my past. My dad was in the military and would go on deployment for six months at a time every other year. One of the first deployments I remember as a toddler he left having a relationship with me and came back and ignored me for the rest of my life. It was a weird kind of abandonment because we still lived under the same roof, and it took me until adulthood to understand it was emotional abandonment. It took me years to realize it wasn't my fault. 

Even though I logically know and heart know R will never leave me, the little toddler inside me is fucking terrified. All this week I have had hives, intense pain, and anxiety just anticipating him leaving tomorrow. 

I always thought I was weak because of my anxiety. Because I struggle being on my own. But when I take it in context, when I think about my past, and how R is/was my main source of support during my ten plus years of depression, it totally makes sense that I would struggle being away from him. 

But now I am not depressed. It is amazing to type that sentence. I have fought so hard just to be able to say that! And now it is time for me to face my anxiety, my fear, and get some independence. So here we go, I'm on my own for the next three days...

I'm anticipating panic attacks, loneliness, depression, lots of crying, and bad nights of sleep but I'm not going to let that stop me from moving forward and facing my fear.

I am going to take myself on a few dates. I really want to stop by Anthropologie, go thrifting (hunting for vintage toys), and go to some used bookstores. I also want to snuggle pups, watch the NBA finals (go Warriors!), craft, and have some girl time with a friend and my mother-in-law. 

I am so ready to face these challenges and get on with my life, I'm also so scared but growing is scary, healing is scary. So bring it on...I'm ready.

xo, C


Pinterest favorites

This is the best quote for today.

Pantone is spot on, as always.

these shoes are fantastic!
Cutie. Reminds me of Cricket!
This pink angel food cake looks so yummy and fun!

Love this drawing. I need more girlfriends.