So I broke.

It's weird how when I find my strength my monsters soon take me over and bring me down farther and farther. I have been getting more confident in myself and being true, this has been good yet such a goddamned curse. I tumble between believing in myself and then total desperation and wanting to kill myself so bad. I vacillate between these two extremes basically every day.

Yesterday it got really bad. I had therapy and it was rough, but in that good way where I learn something and end up growing. Then by the evening I was thinking about having Ronald take me to the nearest ER. I was desperate to die. I wanted to just cease. It seemed like the perfect answer to all the shit my life has been filled with. I looked up the hospital to see what the psyche ward would be like, to see what I could bring (if anything ). I couldn't find any info. Then R and I went for a drive and I balanced out a pinch.

I'm still teetering on the edge. Ronald is going to be with me today and all weekend. We'll see how things go after that. I just have to take one moment at a time. I am trying to get re-attached to life. I have lost most of my passion for blogging. I have lost most of my connections to friends. I'm so lonely, I start mouthing words and talking to myself while I'm out, then I notice people looking at me, Yeah, I'm the crazy. Holy shit! I'm the crazy.

I bought a journal and spent the morning at Starbucks with Ronald decorating the first page. I haven't journaled in ages. I have to keep attaching, otherwise I will be gone soon. I sort of laugh about how I can't catch a break in life, but then I realize it's really not funny at all.

So I'm writing this because I have to chart it. Acknowledge it. And then I hope get past it.

xx, C

1 comment:

  1. BIG HUGS Catherine xxoxox How awful that you are feeling so down at the moment. Try to recognise the illness for what it is - the depression isn't YOU, it's something that you are familiar with but it's not at all who you are as a person! And remember how good you were feeling a few blog posts back, this will pass and more and more good days will follow xx Your man and your doggies (and your blog-readers!) love you and believe in you - you mean so much as a person, and matter A LOT, even to me who has not met you in person! xoxo I hope you start to feel better very very soon, but if you are feeling unsafe definitely a good idea to stay in hospital for a few days. Much love! ~Tam


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