So I broke.

It's weird how when I find my strength my monsters soon take me over and bring me down farther and farther. I have been getting more confident in myself and being true, this has been good yet such a goddamned curse. I tumble between believing in myself and then total desperation and wanting to kill myself so bad. I vacillate between these two extremes basically every day.

Yesterday it got really bad. I had therapy and it was rough, but in that good way where I learn something and end up growing. Then by the evening I was thinking about having Ronald take me to the nearest ER. I was desperate to die. I wanted to just cease. It seemed like the perfect answer to all the shit my life has been filled with. I looked up the hospital to see what the psyche ward would be like, to see what I could bring (if anything ). I couldn't find any info. Then R and I went for a drive and I balanced out a pinch.

I'm still teetering on the edge. Ronald is going to be with me today and all weekend. We'll see how things go after that. I just have to take one moment at a time. I am trying to get re-attached to life. I have lost most of my passion for blogging. I have lost most of my connections to friends. I'm so lonely, I start mouthing words and talking to myself while I'm out, then I notice people looking at me, Yeah, I'm the crazy. Holy shit! I'm the crazy.

I bought a journal and spent the morning at Starbucks with Ronald decorating the first page. I haven't journaled in ages. I have to keep attaching, otherwise I will be gone soon. I sort of laugh about how I can't catch a break in life, but then I realize it's really not funny at all.

So I'm writing this because I have to chart it. Acknowledge it. And then I hope get past it.

xx, C


  1. Oh sweetie, I am going through some tough times right now too but I am not letting it or trying not let it get worst. I pray for you always and hope this goes away soon please keep fighting cause we need you love. You are here for a reason. weather its for Ron or your beautiful puppies. I hold on to the stuff I love like you guys and the kids and Chris and Dela will sometimes talk to me and makes me feel better.
    Hang in there sweetie, we will get though this.
    love you my sweet. Carmen

  2. BIG HUGS Catherine xxoxox How awful that you are feeling so down at the moment. Try to recognise the illness for what it is - the depression isn't YOU, it's something that you are familiar with but it's not at all who you are as a person! And remember how good you were feeling a few blog posts back, this will pass and more and more good days will follow xx Your man and your doggies (and your blog-readers!) love you and believe in you - you mean so much as a person, and matter A LOT, even to me who has not met you in person! xoxo I hope you start to feel better very very soon, but if you are feeling unsafe definitely a good idea to stay in hospital for a few days. Much love! ~Tam


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