"Please, I want so badly for the good things to happen." -Sylvia Plath

Tired this morning. Jars of flowers fill the house. The sunny dahlias are my favorites along with the peonies (of course). I am so worried about peony season ending. Whenever the ones I have need to be thrown away I get so sad, sometimes near tears (for real). I love them so, and they make me so happy that saying goodbye is hard.

Speaking of flowers and all that, I really only have a few vases. The ones I have I barely use unless they are vintage, as I prefer using jars, mugs, and such. One of my favorites is a German stoneware beer stein I found at a thrift store early this year. It is perfect for flowers and really old. I also adore an old jar I found in a cupboard when we first moved into our house. I love that it has history and lived here long before us.

Last night was rough. I was so stressed about some money news regarding our home refinance that my fibromyalgia pain began to flare. I could hardly move at bedtime, and was lucky to fall asleep pretty easily. This morning I feel a little better, but that doesn't mean much as my pain is still really high.

I'm pretty sad this morning. It seems like no matter what I do things seem to get away from me. I want to do so many things. Go on walks and outings, organize and decorate the house, go to a park and read, cook and bake, have time with friends, and work on my creative life. These things are nearly impossible due to my pain. I can't express how completely unnerving and discouraging it is to not be able to really do anything for weeks on end. And this time not due to depression (which wreaks havoc with me and has for years), but instead because I am in so much pain I can hardly move.

If it isn't one thing it is another. I have shelved away and given up so many of my plans and dreams. Sometimes I wonder how much my illnesses/this life wants from me and I am beginning to think it wants everything. I give more and more away, shredding pieces of myself off like sharpened pencil shavings. I would think that at some point I would catch a break. But not yet, not even close.


1 comment:

  1. Your flowers always look so pretty and happy and sunny. Thinking of you and sending sunny thoughts your way. <3


I adore your notes! Please don't be shy! :)