Cricket's worried faces.

It's been a rough day. My depression goes back and forth between manageable and disastrous. I'm feeling really impulsive and I go from being ok to wanting to kill myself in a matter of minutes. It's so hard, I don't know how much more I can take. 

I had therapy at noon and I was a mess although I did make some progress in some areas. I stopped to run an errand on the way home and saw a homeless couple looking for handouts. While at the store I put together a bag of granola bars, water, gatorade, sunscreen, and snacks. As I left the parking lot to go to where they were, they were gone. I got really bummed about that for some reason. Oh well...

As I headed home I started having a panic attack. It got pretty bad but I was able to calm down. I haven't really eaten anything because I am worried I will throw up due to my anxiety. 

Some days are just shitty. I want to say "some lives are just shitty" that is how I would describe my life. I seem to never catch a break, and things keep getting worse.

I'm going to read some poetry, and maybe have some yogurt. I leave you with this poetry excerpt that I have loved for years:

"And leave you (inscrutably to unravel)
 Your Life: the fearful and ripening and enormous
 Being that -- bounded by everything, or boundless --
 For a moment becomes stone, for a moment stars."

- Rainer Maria Rilke (translated by Randall Jarrell), 
  in Randall Jarrell, The Woman at the Washington zoo (1960)


  1. Sad about the couple. I wonder if you keep the bag in your car, you might see them again. Love the poem :) Hang in there!

  2. beautiful poem! hope things pick up for you soon xoxoxo


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