no idea for a subject

It's been a rough few days. On Monday I was ready to start a new week and to get back on my feet in spite of my depression. I felt less depressed as I wrote out lists of the things I was going to try to accomplish. I also wrote a grocery list and headed to Trader Joe's for fresh flowers and produce. On the drive home I started feeling sick. I was suddenly faint and weak all over. I thought I was overheating as it was 90 degrees out. As soon as I got home I sat down with some water and cooled down. 

Around the afternoon I wasn't feeling faint but I was still feeling weak. I stuttered through a few chores and getting dinner ready with Ronald. By the time we were done with dinner I was in horrible pain. My shoulders and neck were so tense and getting tenser whenever I moved. I tried to sit still and wait it out. Then it hit me, I was having another fibromyalgia flare up.

My last flare up was at the beginning of May. Tuesday I spent the day in bed. I got up a few times to stretch and I whimpered through a shower. I feel like my bones and muscles are fusing together in my neck and shoulders. It is such an extreme and horrible pain. It is pretty much constant too. I can find a position that relieves some of the tension for maybe a few seconds but overall it is non-stop.

I realize I have totally underestimated how much fibromyalgia is going to fuck with my life. I have to slow down even more than I already have. I am a doer, I don't like to sit still. Especially with my anxiety and stress, I try to do things to keep my mind off everything going on in my noggin. I can't do that anymore. I can't work through the pain. I can't live the way I have been living.

This morning I am sitting at the dining room table in a hoodie and with a blanket around my legs. Sitting in a chair is a big deal. I hurt so much still but I'm trying to stretch out. My depression has rebounded due to my realization of how much fibromyalgia can and will devastate my life. I have things I want to do, but I can't do them.

Sitting or laying around with my mind spinning in circles is one of my worst nightmares, and that's what has been happening.

I have been thinking about what I would be doing if I didn't have depression and fibromyalgia. I think I would be a florist. There is a little florist shop in the town next to us, it is so cute, probably 500 square feet or less, and vacant. I want that to be my shop so bad, one of my biggest dreams beside being a mom. 

If that wasn't going to happen, I would work for a non-profit. I wish so much I could do things. Even little things like cooking sound amazing. But right now I can't do any of it. I just try to wait it out. My lifestyle has to really change in order to reduce these flare-ups. I'm trying to figure out how that is going to work. 

Anyway, I'm still going to try, and I'm still going to fight. 

Love, C

1 comment:

  1. You're so special Catherine! Feel better soon, wishes your way xoxo


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