5/13/13

saturated


I don't really know what to write, but I'm feeling pretty lonely sitting here in on the couch alone but for the three sound-asleep-dogs and the buzz of an oscillating fan, so I thought I'd write something. Life can be so lonely, in a lot of different ways. I feel lonely most of the time. Even when I'm with people.

Even when I'm with Ronald, I feel a gap between us, a disconnection, other than brief little snaps like a picture being taken with an old camera. For that instance I feel not alone, but then it's gone, quick as it came. I remember those moments so vividly for a very long time. The loneliness isn't his fault or mine. It's my entire life history and pathology stirred together into this mess I'm trying to get through. And it's sad. And it's really fucking hard to keep going.

Since about September 2012 I noticed my depression was clinical again. The depression has been seriously tugging me down into the depths ever since. It's non-stop. I feel like I come up and gasp for a few breaths, and then bam! I'm back underwater trying to wriggle and rile my way free. I don't know why. I don't understand. I get stuck on figuring out why this is happening to me. Why this exists. If I did something wrong. Something to deserve it. Or even forgot to do something terribly important that would have kept all this from happening.

Then I think how worthless it is to think that way. And I stop.

But I can't stop. Fighting. Breathing. Beating through. I seriously can't stop. But I am so tired. I can't describe the tired. I didn't know this level of tired was possible. But it is. And I'm the proof.

I'm feeling like hell physically as well. It's going to take time for some of the new medications I'm on to start helping my pain so I ache like crazy. Fibromyalgia is the weirdest, bad thing. It's awful, and I'm still in disbelief that I have it. I keep wanting to push through the pain, but that just makes it worse.

I hate that I can't do the things normal people do. I had things planned for today, but instead I will be on the couch or in bed. I had no idea how difficult it would be to have to stay still and take it slow not because I wanted to, but because I had too. It's beyond frustrating.

I feel like my life has stopped. I feel like my life never really started. I have/had all these dreams of things I want to do. Things I would do if I was healthy and could function even somewhat normally. I'm starting to let them go because now they make me sad. Now those ideas are in old moving boxes waiting to be donated to someone else. It makes me want to cry.

But I keep going. For Ronald. For the three pups. And sometimes for those kicked around and dying dreams. But I still cry, because I don't know what will happen, and because this hurts.

This song reminds me to keep going:

Dream For Us- The Appleseed Cast (listen here)

cause what i feel inside
i dont want to hide
it's you that got to me
its what i want to sing

cause i've got a dream for us
running through my mind
sitting on the beach
looking at the sea

and we are old and tired
and time has made us smile
as we go on counting things
people in the breeze

we're not the only ones
there's hundreds on the shore
looking at the sea
but it's just you and me

if the day never comes
i sink beneath the tide
will you still be with me
or disappear?


1 comment:

  1. Hi sweetie, I hate to see you hurting so much. I wish I could help you somehow. It sucks to feel that way and I can imagine how hard it is. I've been bad but getting better. I hope you can soon push through it, you are so strong and very brave. I know you wanted to come to Delas grad but totally understand you cant. Love you always and I am here if you need it.

    CaRMEN

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