life collection

I still have been struggling with hopeless thoughts even though things are definitely improving and getting better. I am still devastated that I have had so many years of depression and horrible struggle, I would say I have had twenty-seven and a half years of this nonsense (I am twenty-eight). This is all so unfair and makes me want to cry. I never thought this would be my life. The thing is no one is guaranteed a good life. That is what I am learning. And I was definitely dealt a baddy. But that doesn't mean it can't improve with lots of work and effort.

My one piece of true good luck: Ronald.

I still have mood swings and am realizing they are worse when I drink alcohol (sad sigh). The last two nights I have been so grumpy and sad, I have just wanted to go to bed and not face life anymore. Life can be so hard. The main thing that is hard for me now is that I don't know how to fill all my hours on earth. I feel lax and hate being caught in my head. I think too hard, I think too long, I think until I get hopeless and feel horrible about myself. I don't know what else to do though.

Love a little melancholy Catherine.