and the thoughts behind my thoughts...

This is kind of a triggering topic for me but I want to talk about weight and how the way we discuss it as women is really unhealthy and bringing us down. 

We are constantly shown images of women who are deemed perfect and imperfect. At the market check out, five different magazine covers shout out at us with ways to lose 10 pounds in 10 days, etc. The National Enquirer tears apart an actress in a bikini who has cellulite "you won't believe who this is!". What a horrible person! Showing the world "cottage cheese" thighs! The media tears apart women's bodies, and this affects all of us. It objectifies us, it affects little girls who should be playing with dolls instead of comparing their size with their friends. It causes eating disorders and shame.

I decided years ago to stop joining in the perpetuation of this whole nonsense idea that our bodies need to be judged. I am not going to join in the tear down of women. The tear down of my friends, and loved ones. I refuse to discuss it, I stand up against it. Its been a tough road to get here. 

I used to talk about it a lot, and feel guilty if I didn't make up an excuse for eating something when I was with people (especially women). How many of these lines sound familiar? "Oh well I worked out today so I've earned this piece of cake.", "Oh I should't eat anymore, but it's so good!", "I'll work it off tomorrow.", "I hardly ate anything today, so it's ok." Why do we need permission to eat food? I don't see guys doing this. Someone convinced us that we need to earn food and make excuses. No one has the right to do that. And the thing is, every time we say one of the sentences above, we are digging ourselves and our fellow ladies into a bigger hole!

I'm so over it. Holy shit, we should all be so pissed and so over it! No one should make us feel shame about our bodies...no matter what size we are, big or small.

I am my own worst critic. I remember at 4 years old feeling fat and worrying more about my weight than anything else. I would workout obsessively at ten (1,000 steps on a stair machine sounds weird for a ten year old, right?), I watched my mom eat only chicken broth for days on end and felt like if I only had more self control I could do that too. I have had disordered eating most of my life, and guess what? I'm fucking over it!

It takes a very conscious effort. The first step I took was working to not judge anyone on appearance no matter what. Not on their size, not on their clothes, or anything appearance wise. When I saw someone dressed in something I wasn't used to seeing or personally didn't think matched or I thought they "shouldn't" be wearing, I would tell myself that they really looked happy or have such interesting taste. If I saw someone that was a size I wasn't used to seeing, I would look at them with curiosity and a sense of openness rather than judgment. 

The next step was finding something I really liked appearance wise of all these people. "Look at that cool purse!", "Wow, her eyes are beautiful!" At this point I didn't have the ability to see anything kick ass in my appearance, but this exercise gave me the opportunity to grow in my acceptance of other women which spilled into my acceptance of myself. 

Then I started getting a bit daring and working on my judgement towards myself. Instead of wearing clothes to hide my body, I bought dresses and jewelry I really loved. I realized I should wear clothes that are soft and good quality, that make me feel bad ass and confident, whether its sweatpants, jeans, or dresses, whatever we feel good in is what we should wear. It was scary. After a while I wore heels (even sprained my ankle in them!), and in the last few months I started to wear red lipstick ever day and high wasted skirts that show a bit of my tummy. This is all scary as fuck mind you, I still feel like shit for a bit each day, I still feel ashamed of my body. But I'm working on it.

Now all this shit took (is taking) years. I mean fucking years. I still have a hard time with it daily, but undoing almost 30 years of bullshit is a really long and difficult process. But guess what? It's worth it!

I feel so much better, ladies. Call bullshit on the things we are told to believe, that little-big thought in our head that we aren't good enough. "The thought behind the thought" that tells us something is wrong with us. 

I am happy talking about healthy eating, working out, and all that. But I'm done taking that negative spin that I/we currently aren't good enough. That once we reach some size goal we will be more valuable or attractive. I'm done acting like my size, what I eat, or how much I move is a direct reflection of my value as a human being. That is such a crock of shit. Seriously!

So here's the challenge: next time you're out with your gal pals don't make an excuse for eating something. Don't bring up weight or calories or diets. Just be. If someone brings a weight topic up, don't join in, change the subject or just sit quietly and wait for the moment to pass. This is the work we need to do to change our society. Sure, the media needs to change, they enrage me. But we are also actively participating in the spread of the lie that the shape of our body dictates our worth and should be judged. 

Let me know what you think! What are you doing to boost your self-esteem and those of the women in your life?

Love you darling!



  1. After slightly stalking your Instagram, I came across your site.
    This is such a great post.

    1. Awwww thanks! So sweet! I'm still super tender about this topic so your comment means a lot!

      xo, C


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