11/29/14

and the moon sees me


This is the third time in my life that I can say I'm not depressed. It has been a long and bumpy road. I've wanted to give up so many times. But I'm glad I'm here now to enjoy this time of peace.

I don't really know how to explain the sheer amazement I experience each non-depressed day. Its like I went from living in a dark cave to being outside on a clear sunny day. I can find joy again. I can find rest (sometimes). The things I do every day feel less redundant. I'm able to get things done and be creative. I'm able to be social again. I'm able to feel a connection with people, rather than pretending I feel it.

I sleep better. I have more self-control. I want to go for walks and be active. I don't want to die. I feel like I might be able to make a life for myself that is more than just survival. 

This isn't to say that things are peachy. I still fight the thoughts that want to take me back to the dark. But I use my skills to move forward and keep them at bay. There is a constant rumble in my head and a little bit of fear that it will come back. But through mindfulness I'm able to be in the present moment much of the time. I also experience physical pain on a daily basis from fibromyalgia. But I try my best to not let it hold me back.

I am learning to slow down and enjoy. I'm able to have a cup of coffee or read without being overcome with emotion. It's a weird and wonderful state of being for me right now. 

I'm building my life, my own life. I'm not following any rules. I follow my values and stay true to myself first. I feel free, and brave, and steady. I sense potential. Life is sort of exciting, even mundane is exciting...and holy shit is writing that sentence exciting!

So this is what it feels like. And this is good.

xox, C

2 comments:

  1. "I'm building my life, my own life. I'm not following any rules. I follow my values and stay true to myself first. I feel free, and brave, and steady. I sense potential. Life is sort of exciting, even mundane is exciting...and holy shit is writing that sentence exciting!"

    THAT. Fucking that.

    You are amazing and wonderful and I am thrilled for and proud of you. Good job woman - keep that shit up. :) I'm so glad you have this in your life right now. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is ALL SORTS of wonderful!

    ReplyDelete

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