fix you

It's been a few days. A few graded, rough-as-arrows days. Somehow it keeps going, not just "it" but I. I don't know how it happens, but I guess I'm a stubborn motherfucker.

I finally have therapy today. I hope my doctor and I can change some of my meds around so the incessant morbid thoughts and panic attacks can slow down a bit.

Last night Ronald and I went on a date in between my panic attacks. It was weird to sit at a restaurant in public, trying to feel like a human. We made jokes and smiled some, it's been a long time. During the movie, in the dark theater, feet propped up, I totally forgot what was happening in real life. When the movie ended and we walked in the half-dark back to the car to head home, reality came rushing back like a rainfall. I was quiet and couldn't think of anything to say. I noticed the area over our street was covered in a dark grey cloud, how fitting.

I was panicked and once home took another klonopin to hopefully prevent a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't move Like I was going to throw up. Somehow I was able to get to sleep. Of course the haunting dreams were nestled there, just waiting where they left off the night before (seriously my dream life is fucked).

This morning I'm alone. My neck and shoulders ache, I still need to take my morning pills and feed the dogs. I was so afraid to be alone this morning. But so far I'm okay. I'm sitting at my desk on my desktop because my laptop won't even run iPhoto any more. I'm thinking of trading in my desktop in order to start saving for a laptop with more power, but I will get such a small amount (less than $400) that I'm not sure it's worth it. I really do love my desktop so I just don't know what to do...

I wish I had the things I needed to help me be more comfortable when I'm in pain. And to help my blogging and creative ventures. I hate not having the things I know will help me feel more human and less like a sick shell of a person. But it's a long road to get there, so our saving has begun.

The sun is streaking through the curtains and that is nice. Even during the worst of it, there is something there.

xx, C

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