morning thoughts by an almost birthday girl

I saw this at Marshall's yesterday and fell completely in love. Once I got close to it I saw that it was a cork board! I have been looking for one for a long time and this one was perfect! So I snatched it up as my birthday present to myself. ;)

These hyacinths are filling our dining room with the fragrance of Spring. 

Puppy dog Valentine craft from the kids section at Target. I am going to make a garland with them.

Winter morning view.

More valentine decorations

daffodils as a birthday gift from my in-laws. :)

Blurry roses. I love the color!

My slowly growing hedgehog collection.

In therapy yesterday I had a few breakthroughs. One is that I need to feel safe being home alone. I am almost always out of the house during the day, or if I am home, I am cleaning or sleeping. The reason is I am afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I'm afraid I will hurt myself if I don't stay occupied, so I avoid being at home or quiet at all costs.

This isn't healthy for me and is keeping me from being creative and resting. It makes so much sense that this would happen. The many years Ronald and I were living in apartments, I would start panicking being at the apartment alone because it carried so many bad memories of me struggling with depression. When I started feeling unsafe being there, we would just move to a new apartment. 

Well, now that we have our own home, we can't do that. So instead of facing the real issue, I have been avoiding it. I don't want to be a person who has to stay busy because I am avoiding my feelings. That isn't me at all. So I have to get used to home.

My therapist suggested that I turn on calm music, get some tea, and just sit and be present. Don't worry about what might happen, just live in the moment and tell myself that I am okay right that second. If I start to get nervous to come back to the present moment and just live in it. I am going to sit on our old deck in the back yard and look at the weeds and broken down redwood picnic table from the 60's (that I have strangely come to adore), and our lovely mountain view, and just be okay. 


Tomorrow I am turning twenty-nine! Ronald has to work that night, which is a huge bummer as we won't even have time to blow out candles on the gluten-free cake I'm going to bake from scratch. :( Oh well, we will celebrate on Saturday. 

I want to get dolled up for Saturday. I bought a dress that I have yet to try on to see if it works, and I got some adorable ballerina flats! I want to do my nails, trim my bangs from side-swept to straight across, and re-color my hair. I have been so self-conscious I haven't wanted to take care of myself. Even at night I can hardly look in the mirror to brush my teeth and a lot of times I go to bed with all my makeup on because I can't look in the mirror (I know how unhealthy that is for my skin). It makes me sad. I just bought new skin-care stuff since my skin is so sensitive and a huge mess partly due to fibromyalgia and the medication I'm on, and because I haven't been taking care of it. I really need to get okay with myself. It's so hard sometimes though. 

Anyway, I hope you have a nice Tuesday. I'm going to try to enjoy, and be ok in the moment.

xxoo, C


  1. I am so jealous of your flowers! I really need to start buying more for myself.

  2. That's awesome you had some breakthroughs! The pictures are so pretty. I love the roses. The color of them reminds me of like burlesque, olden days type of pictures. Gah, that isn't coming out how it is in my head. I hope you get what I mean. LOL


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