I thought it was time for a little update on what is happening with me. 

First of all, I wasn't able to make my doctors appointment last Thursday for my pain issues as I had a panic attack while driving home from therapy just a few hours before my appointment. Ronald had to come pick me up because I didn't feel safe driving home. Panic attacks are mean bugs, and even though I've had many throughout my life, they still throw me for a loop and are terrifying. 

I am really struggling with my depression right now. It's awful, and scary, and emotionally ravaging. I honestly feel at the end of my rope. I am running out of energy to fight and am so nervous that I am going to just give up and end up killing myself. I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts on an almost constant basis. They are really wearing me down. I am being well looked after by my psychiatrist/therapist, Ronald, and my in-laws so I am safe at the moment. The hard thing is I don't know how long that safety will last.

In therapy today we talked about how devastated Ronald and our pups would be if I did kill myself. That is why I can't do it, they would not be able to move on. It's like I would end Ronald's life as well as my own, and I can't do that. No matter how much it hurts (and it is hurting immensely), I have to stay here for him.

The thing is to keep myself aware of that. I have momentary slips where I forget those things, and that's where it gets muddy and worrisome as to what I will do.

It's so hard to describe emotional pain. When you're in it, it's hell. It's lonely, suffocating, horror-provoking. I don't know how else to say it other than it is the worst thing I have ever felt. Worse than migraines, breaking my arm, or any physical injury I have experienced. 

My world has been rocked this year. It really has been a struggle for survival my whole life (and I don't say that lightly), but this year more than ever before. It's immense. It's devastating. I feel shattered. 

I am looking into ECT treatments with my doctor. They may or may not work, have risks, and may include long hospital stays. But if it works the results are immediate, and I would choose trying that over giving up. It seems to be my next step in treatment.

I am so thankful for Ronald. He holds me, comforts me, checks in, will drop everything when I need him. He reminds me of who I am and who I want to be. At night he tells me the things we will do the next day, next week, next year, then he says a prayer for us, and kisses me goodnight. I don't know if he knows how much he carries me through all this.

xx, C


  1. I hope things start looking up for you. I'll be thinking about you!

  2. Thank god you have such a lovely and understanding person to get through this with. And it's beautiful that you find so much strength form him. Just hold on to that and take it one step at a time.


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