10/7/12

doomsday


Last night I had a dream I was alone. Ronald didn't exist and I was back in my childhood land of abandonment. I kept asking the few detached souls around me where Ronald was, but they had no answer. It was a real triggered nightmare.

I am so afraid of being abandoned. It's one of those strong guttural emotions that settles in the lowest parts of my stomach and makes me sick, like charcoal. Things didn't pan out for me as a child, things weren't safe. So I carry this same 2, 3, 4 year old panic that things won't work out or will fall apart even now.

This all makes me sad. It's so hard to grow up and get rid of these old tattered patterns. The thing is I'm sad. I'm empty. Nothing fills for long. There are moments of feeling like it will be ok, but those rush away from me scared. I don't know why. I know that is a trademark of depression. I know this has plagued me my entire life. But that doesn't make it feel better, instead it makes it feel more real and legitimate.

See, I start to believe there is no hope for me. Really, I've believed that for a long time. But I hold onto things (like a knotted down balloon string) and Ronald is one of those things. He is actually usually the only thing. He needs me so I stay. But he is not permanent. He can't be with me forever. He is a human and he will die. So I am rotted and rocked with the fear that he will go away and with him my reason, my grip to this world. It's scary.

I don't want to die but so much of me wants to not exist. I don't know how those two emotions can co-exist but surprisingly they do. So life goes on like an old wind-up toy, and I wait and keep.

C

4 comments:

  1. I really relate to the feelings of doom hanging over you... I'm really in a very similar place right now, feels like there is absolutely no hope... Trying to remember that I didn't always feel this way, and that its just a waiting game - as in out-wait the depression and get on with living. The light always comes out eventually, we just need to hang on until then. We can do it! All the best wishes xx

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  2. Its how I felt a few months ago when I had Liam. I just couldn't see where my life was going and what was reason for living even though I had this amazing loving new baby and family. Its so hard to feel happy or control my emotions. I was so afraid I would hurt myself or someone else. Thankfully it slowly went away and now I don't feel it anymore. It is a very scary feeling. I am so sorry you feel that way. We are so lucky we have people like Ron, Chris, Paul, Laura, Dela, Sammy and little Liam who need us so we have to fight for them.

    Love you lots, I pray for you always and hope this goes away soon

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  3. I am feeling this way right now. This weekend i had a complete break down. One of the worst I've ever had. Had to get up for work this morning, thank goodness or I don't know when I would have.
    I had a bad childhood too and my mom abandoned me; I try to act like it doesn't bug me but I know that's probably part of the root of my issues.. I feel like every one is going to leave and like I don't deserve love. UGH.
    I freak out that Joe will leave or something will happen, or he'll find a lady w/o issues and I'll be alone again.
    This whole weekend I kept saying "i want out, but I don't want to die." I know your feeling. Sending you love and keeping on vibes and hugs!!!

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  4. Abandonment issues are the hardest to deal with... I know first hand:( They stem from our childhood core and affect the way we see the world. Let me know if you need a chat... I'd love to be a support for you. And I admire you for being so brave in your most vulnerable times.

    thekitschentruck@gmail.com

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