9/28/12

shift



I dance around a lot of things on my blog. I try to be honest but am scared to be completely real. I don't want to be unpopular, to make people sad, or to be written off so I stay aloof in what is really going on.

The real truth is I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years. I had my first suicidal thought at twelve years old. Some days they are extremely intense, other days they are almost nonexistent. Currently, I am in a bad place. I am very suicidal and am trying to stay alive. That is really my only goal. I have a good support system and a plan to stay safe, but it's exhausting and the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

Did you know that in the US more people die of suicide than motor vehicle accidents? I was totally shocked when I found this out. It breaks my heart that there are so many people out there suffering with suicide and feeling so hopeless.

Suicide is something people are afraid to talk about. I want to change that. Even though right now I am scared to post this, if I could give one person hope for just a few minutes than it is worth it.

I went years untreated for my depression and suicidal thoughts. For the first years of our marriage Ronald and I had no idea what was going on and I thought I was losing my mind. I was afraid to tell people how bad things were and I thought I would be giving up and be seen as weak if I got help. I'm lucky to have sought help. It really has saved my life. Even though now I am still fighting, I am alive right now and that is something.

I am going to start being more honest here. I feel like I need to do this. I need to be purposeful and real. Things will be a bit more intense around here as this isn't easy to talk about and isn't something to be taken lightly. But I am tired of pretending I am okay when I'm not. I'm tired of adding to the stigma by remaining silent. I'm tired of acting like this isn't an issue for us as a family, society, culture.

If you are having issues with suicidal thoughts, this is a great place to seek help.

Here's to hope, C

17 comments:

  1. I think it's great you want to be more honest. Personally the way you post makes me feel lucky to not be alone. There is no one else (besides Joe) that I have been honest with about anxiety and what not. I know you struggle and fight hard and I think that's amazing, but the fact you are willing to share it is beyond that. I struggle with a lot of the same feelings/things you do and it is comforting to not feel alone. I think it's great that you want to be more honest. And I like that when you're happy you share that too.

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    1. Thanks so much Baylee! You are so sweet!

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  2. I'm in the same place Catherine :( When I'm like this I find the best thing is to try not to shut myself off from people... sometimes my connections with other people feel like the only ties I have to living... We will get through this though.. I hope you are feeling much better soon!! xx

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    1. Hello my dear, I'm sorry things are so hard for both of us right now :(. Please know you can always email me at catherine(at)life-collection.com. I am always here.

      xx, C

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  3. Thank you for being brave and sharing. I think more people have been in this mindset (including myself at one point in my life) than anyone would ever know. It's so important to share what you are feeling, because no one should ever have to take their own life. Life is hard, but it's all we have and it's too important to throw away.

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  4. To all of you who are honest and supportive, I love and appreciate you. I have had suicidal thoughts. But the love and support of a good man kept me going. I pray his son does the same for you, dear girl. You know I love you dearly.

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  5. Dear Catherine,
    I salute you for your honesty; you are not scaring people you are going to help many people who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts, etc.

    Sending you tons of hugs and prayers from bella italia and I hope one day soon you will be visiting it and enjoying this beautiful country. xxx

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  6. I hear you and can so closely relate to what you're saying. I know we can keep fighting the darkness. Hugs to you my friend x

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    1. I'm so glad to hear from you dear! Hugs to you too!
      xx, C

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  7. So sorry to hear of your present struggles. But know that you are loved and thought of often. Your honesty is refreshing and so many can relate. You are constantly in my prayers. Stay strong!! And I am excited to see the new etsy shop...soon!
    Love, Sally

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  8. you are not alone honey, I have been like that too and it started all of a sudden. I think my mind just gave up of being strong and of fighting. I take sertraline to help me and sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. Whats worst is I can feel it coming and cant stop it. I have had bad, bad thoughts even of killing my self. Its very hard to pretend everything is all right when its not. Right now I am doing ok and I hope it stays that way. I am here for you if you need in any way. thanks for listening and I love you and hope you get better soon

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    1. Hi Dear,

      I never knew you had these issues too. It's so hard to deal with. If you ever need to talk or anything, I'm always here.

      xx, C

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  9. Thanks so much. I hide a lot of my feelings foe fear of being judged or pitied. I hate that more then anything. I always to seem strong and so I say I am always ok but lately I haven't been ok. I have been struggling a whole lot and what you write helps because I cant do that yet. Its hurts so much to see my self this way and because of the kiddos I have to be strong. Thanks for always being there and never changing your feelings. I love you so much. as a sister loves. Hope you are better now and I hope Ron is home soon.

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I adore your notes! Please don't be shy! :)