Monday, July 30, 2012
"Talking 'bout finding a way out"
Life is incredibly exhausting these days. I'm in survival mode and have been for far too long (years). It's strange how right when I think I have reached my limit of how much I can handle, the limit stretches along the track so I'm not even close, and I can handle even more. This is an interesting and surprisingly painful realization.
I seriously never though a person could go through so much emotional turmoil and pain without dying from sorrow. I know that sounds so overdramatic, but it still shocks me that I have gone through so much and am still alive. I never realized I was strong enough to get through all this. Yet realizing that strength leaves me bitter, because I don't want to hurt, I don't want to see the limit of how much I can handle. I don't want to be pushed to the limit.
I'm working so hard to fight, to not be mired and live a full life, but it hurts, it hurts so bad I can't find the words. So I fight and I hang on, fight to get out of bed each morning, to connect with people, to shower and do something each day. I cry on Ronald's shoulder and he holds me tight, and it hurts excruciatingly, and I keep holding on because what else is there to do?
Part of me wants to stop sharing how hard things are on here and just act happy and carefree and like life is ok. I am worried someone reading this will think I am being bitchy, dramatic, or staying stuck. But then I remember this is my blog. That I am free to say what I want. And that I want people to know that it's ok to hurt. And who knows, in some way this may help someone.
Sometimes it's ok to just live with it. Not pretend things are ok, or perfect but realize some days are shit, some months and even years are shit, and you can fight all you want but sometimes the pain stays like an awkward ghostly stranger, and it is with you and rests and wakes with you, and you don't have to keep it a secret. This is the nature of depression and pain. You can fight all you want but sometimes you have to just recognize its there and go through it.
I know I'm not alone and you aren't either.
Love, a fighter named Catherine