life collection

Hi Darlings!

It's been a long time but I think posting might help clear my head. We'll see how this goes...

Since ECT, I don't cry. Maybe every so often, but it takes a lot to get me there. Sometimes I'll talk about things and my eyes will fill with tears, but embarrassed as fuck, I blurt out loudly "I don't want to cry!" and I pull it together. I know I feel a lot better after I cry, but I can't get past that embarrassed feeling. When I'm alone and start to cry I also pull it together after a sob or two because I know it will lead to a panic attack, which it has many times. I guess I'm a hard nut to crack.

ECT was the most traumatic event in my life besides my childhood. Now both experiences have kind of lumped together as one big mess of trauma. When I talk about one, I talk about the other. I don't know how to deal with all this pain, sadness, and anger. I know dealing with these issues is the way forward for my healing. 

I'm so excited for healing. I just want to be on the right track so I can get there. There are so many things I want to do and experience in my life, my heart starts racing with happiness and joy just thinking about it. I really hope I can get there. I really hope I can start crying. I want to cry.

As a child, I would be yelled at when I cried, and I know this is part of the reason I close up. I am scared and ashamed to cry around other people. During ECT, I would start crying sometimes, it was mortifying to me, I would stuff it up and keep it in even when the (mostly) kind nurses told me it was ok to cry and let it out. During therapy I keep it together too. I feel very exposed and embarrassed around my therapist even though we've been working together for over 12 years. I mean, just that I feel embarrassed around Ron shows how much of an issue this is for me.

Ok...I think I'm rambling...

But to get to those tears, those dollops of moisture coming out of my sad dry eyes. So much pain held in that liquid. All my childhood dread and terrible experiences, ECT memories of being rolled into the "operation" room feeling like a soon to be euthanized animal as they pierced my skin to drudge anesthesia to my veins.

So many thoughts and feels. Just trying to get them out a bit. Sometimes saying it "out loud" in a sort of public setting can help.

Love you, C