"I am ready, I am fine"

So I haven't gone too deep on the blog the last few weeks. Things have been well, big and I just wasn't ready to share much until now.

A few weeks ago we went to San Diego and I almost killed myself in our hotel. I called Ronald right before I attempted and he rushed back to help. It was the lowest point in my life. It was the scariest moment in my life. Writing this feels so surreal, because part of me still can't believe how close I came to ending my life.

I had Ronald stay with me the rest of the trip and met for therapy as soon as we returned home. In my therapy appointment I started to experience a breakthrough. I realized I wanted to start living my life, no matter how hard it got, or how much it hurt, or how shitty it became. I want to live my life! I can't let anything stop me. Illness, the past, infertility, all the things I tell myself that keep me down. I'm sick of all that bullshit. I'm ready to live.

This was a huge moment for me. I mean, I've thought all those things before, but this time it just clicked. Since then I have gone from having suicidal thoughts most of the day, to maybe once a week. It's pretty fantastic to not be constantly thinking about ending my life. I've also decided to join a DBT group (had my first meeting this week), and go back to school to get a bachelor's degree. Oh, and I started writing my book finally...no big deal...just doing the thing I've always wanted to do. ;)

Breakthroughs are strange little fuckers. They are allusive but when they happen it is a euphoric whirlwind of awesomeness. To go from the worst place in my life, to this, is a little overwhelming too. I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop and when things will go back down. But the other part of me says "bring it on!" because I'm going to keep fighting.

In the midst of all this good/bad/ugly stuff my ankle is still not healing from the sprain. It's been nine weeks so I have to go in and be fitted for a boot to help it heal. I also am having a fibro flare which has been ridiculously painful. Yesterday it got to the point where I couldn't move or talk due to the pain. So things aren't too good to be true. Things still suck but some things are getting better and that is amazing.

I'm excited to share more with you on the blog. I hate blogging sometimes because I am apprehensive about how much to share. But I'm going to just do what feels right and see how it goes...

So yeah. Thank the high-holy-whatever that I am still here.

xox, C


  1. Crap. I had a whole, long comment here (several paragraphs), and then I went and closed the page before clicking "Publish". Dumb. I need sleep.

    I'm proud of you for calling for help and *SO* glad to hear about your breakthroughs. DBT sounds good. I've heard much good about it, but not experienced it myself that I can recall.

    Good for you, ladyfriend. Take care!

  2. Hello Catherine,
    I'm so sorry to hear about that but in the same time glad that you had a breakthrough. Sometimes we need something so strong to shake us back to life. In August I was hit by a car and nearly killed me. It was so shocking and scary to me, as I live alone and have no family members where I live (in Italy). I usually have a positive outlook and never give up but this accident made me realize that life is so fragile and so beautiful, and that we have to live it to the full with its ups and downs.

    Best of luck with all your projects and trips (I visit your blog sometimes :)


I adore your notes! Please don't be shy! :)