"the road that has no end"

 where I'm spending my morning

 no makeup, mess, me

 Hi there.

So I'm sort of back. I had a horribly horrible fibro flare up that left me a total mess for over a week now. It was some of the worst pain I've had yet, on top of that I had flu like symptoms, which is normal with fibromyalgia. I even saw a new doctor and told her my situation and almost cried, and she didn't do a damn thing. Instead she told me I was on too much medicine and that I should taper off. I told her that I am bedridden and need pain relief and she said there was nothing she could do. It was awful and heartbreaking, and what is really disgusting is it is par for the course. I have seen four different doctors and a rheumatologist and they have done nothing to help, I mean nothing.

So guess what?!?! We are taking it up to eleven and I'm going to fucking Stanford Hospital to get care. I am going in for a psychiatric evaluation to see what they can do to help, and I'm going to see about getting treatment for my fibromyalgia there too. It is all out of pocket, but my in-laws are some of the best people on earth and are going to pay for all of it, no matter the cost because they want me to be well. This gives me so much hope and strength.

A few little things:

1. I haven't worn makeup in ages and I feel like I've forgot how to put it on.

2. I painted my nails sparkly out of boredom.

3. I am working on some new bird sketches and have a big dream of opening my own etsy store soon.

4. I'm on the counting calorie wagon again. It's day one and it sucks, but after a few weeks it's easy cheesy.

5. I have had so little appetite and only want a few things to eat. Cucumber (Seriously I could eat five in a row just plain), greek yogurt (raspberry is the best flavor), broccoli (again I could eat all the broccoli on earth), kale, and steamed white rice. Nothing else sounds good, I don't even want to drink any liquids, everything else turns my stomach and makes me feel sick. Problem is...the main thing I crave are cookies! These are like tremendous cravings. And I've been letting myself eat them, because when you feel like shit if there is anything on earth that will make you smile or not kill yourself you will do it (or I hope you would), so I went a bit cookie crazy. Cookie, me like you.

6. Just like my Doll Allison's post, I have been wanting/loving so much stuff! Everywhere I look there are the cutest Forrest-y autumn goodies. Clothes. Housewares. Jewelry. I want it. I'm sort of dying, but the only thing I will allow myself to get right now are pumpkins (even though we have four from our pumpkin patch), I still need more. I mean need. 

7. Mr. Ronald and I celebrate our ten year in three days! We are seriously thinking of getting new pots and pans as our gift. So responsible, right? What I really want are tattoos...oi moi. I had an idea of having our whole anniversary planned and making decorations and homemade cupcakes but I kind of lost time with being sick. We'll see...

8. The main electrical circuit panel thingie in our house is half broke. Which means we only have power in half our house, and it's random. None of our appliances are working except our fridge and we've been sleeping in the living room for days now (luckily we dragged our bed out). I don't like taking showers in with no light though, I start to think the towels hanging on hooks look like the angel of death through the beveled glass. We will get it fixed in the next day or so. Yay!

Ok. this is getting so damn long. It's so nice to be feeling better and to feel like I have (and want) to say something. I'm back. Woohoo!

Love, C


  1. STANFORD!!! If they can't help you, girl...you are so lucky! This is the best news. Thanks for the shout-out sweet one, you have so much awesomeness going on---I mean except for the flare up! I am always here, this you know.

    1. Yeah, I'm so hoping I can get some help! I just contacted them and they said there is a few months wait to see a doctor! Crazy!

      xx, C

  2. Catherine have you ever tried therapeutic massage for your pain? It turned my life around- I went through the same thing as you. Years of doctors, pain pills, MRI's, epidurals in my back, pain management clinics, muscle relaxers, lidocaine patches, everything. My doctor thought it was in my head, she couldn't find anything wrong with me and NOTHING was working to alleviate the pain.

    Someone finally suggested massage and I swear when I went, I was on the brink of near suicide my pain was so bad. I don't mean the relaxing rub down with lotion at a spa. I mean real medical massage from someone with medical training who has knowledge of diseases and afflictions, and has years of education.

    My therapist says she sees and treats a lot of folks with fibromyalgia, and said that a qualified person will know everything about fibromyalgia and will know how to treat your symptoms. I don't have fibromyalgia, my pain was localized to one area, but I really did think about suicide when I was hurting every day and no one could help or give me answers. I found relief in just a few months of weekly sessions. Just a thought.


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