life collection

grey

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 14:22:00 +0000

Today we are saying goodbye to the charcoal grey walls in our living room. I have loved dark statement colors for a long time, but this year I've become more sensitive to my surroundings and the darkness of this grey room makes me feel uncomfortable and unsettled. It's strange but just thinking about it makes me want to leave the house. No wonder I have been spending most days wandering around town these last few weeks.

Out of the ten color samples we tried, we went with the one above. I love how it has a minty-cream quality to it but is understated enough to still be a neutral palate for pretty much any accent colors or artwork.

Ronald is going to do the painting as I would be destined for a flare-up if I joined in. I am going to try to prime and re-paint our fireplace white. It won't require much reaching and bending so we'll see if I can do it.

I'll try to snap some photos of the painting process. Stay tuned...

xx, C

going-going-gone

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 23:18:00 +0000

Cricket's worried faces.

---

It's been a rough day. My depression goes back and forth between manageable and disastrous. I'm feeling really impulsive and I go from being ok to wanting to kill myself in a matter of minutes. It's so hard, I don't know how much more I can take.

I had therapy at noon and I was a mess although I did make some progress in some areas. I stopped to run an errand on the way home and saw a homeless couple looking for handouts. While at the store I put together a bag of granola bars, water, gatorade, sunscreen, and snacks. As I left the parking lot to go to where they were, they were gone. I got really bummed about that for some reason. Oh well...

As I headed home I started having a panic attack. It got pretty bad but I was able to calm down. I haven't really eaten anything because I am worried I will throw up due to my anxiety.

Some days are just shitty. I want to say "some lives are just shitty" that is how I would describe my life. I seem to never catch a break, and things keep getting worse.

I'm going to read some poetry, and maybe have some yogurt. I leave you with this poetry excerpt that I have loved for years:

"And leave you (inscrutably to unravel)

Your Life: the fearful and ripening and enormous

Being that -- bounded by everything, or boundless --

For a moment becomes stone, for a moment stars."

- Rainer Maria Rilke (translated by Randall Jarrell),

in Randall Jarrell, The Woman at the Washington zoo (1960)

favor-ite

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 16:14:00 +0000

Hi Love!

I thought I would post some of my favorite things today. I'm a bit of a mess and I keep thinking it's Friday for some reason. At least I'm listening to good music, and still wrapped in a blanket even though it's going to be hot today. Anyway, let the favorites begin...

I use these Faber Castell fine point pens for most of my sketching.

They are waterproof which means I can watercolor on any sketch I want.

My budget friendly art pen choice are Sharpie pens.

At five dollars a three pack they are a great deal and are also waterproof.

I can't live without a steno book or legal pad for notes.
I write in them usually a few times a day and go back and forth between each type.
They are so inexpensive which is nice, and I don't feel bad tearing out pages for to-go lists
like I would a fine bound journal.

I'm loving this color combo for a glamorous Summer.

I haven't used them yet but I hope they look as pretty on my nails as they do in the bottle.

This Garnier eye roller is a life-saver after a long cry or panic attack.

It really does decrease under eye puffiness, but my favorite thing is how it cools

my eyelid. This stuff is cheap and sold everywhere, I highly recommend it.

I have loved this tea for a long time. I don't drink tea as much as I would like

and want to change that so I bought a box of this as motivation.

It is simple and understated, but stronger than many herbal teas out there.

---

Question:

Do you drink hot tea on Summer days? Do you like your tea (hot or iced) plain or do you add lemon or some other goodie?

xx, C

Tuesday

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 14:50:00 +0000

garden bunch (from the market)

list

mint sapling from a friend

crazy-eyed bird garden ornament

peony plant

Baby lemon. It's just a little bigger than a pea and so cute! We have a few on our tree, so excited!

this geranium will not die no matter how many times I overwater/forget to water it

morning Melia stretch

---

It's a five a.m. wake up kind of morning.

Going to the doctor due to an ear infection...I'm scared like a little girl.

Today I'm hoping to tidy my desk, clean the kitchen, and relax with a cup of tea.

Love, C

iphone photo dump

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 15:24:00 +0000

spotted the cutest planter at Home Depot

getting replacement ideas for our old hallway light fixtures

honeycrisp

errands first-thing

coffee afternoon

sketch

favorite yogurt

snack

love this rug

waiting in the car

ridiculous things spotted while shopping

new dress

messy hair

half-smile

shoes

---

I'm getting depressed again. So bummed. Trying hard to keep it together. Can't really think of much more to say, so I'll leave it at that.

xx, C

"Please, I want so badly for the good things to happen." -Sylvia Plath

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 15:21:00 +0000

Tired this morning. Jars of flowers fill the house. The sunny dahlias are my favorites along with the peonies (of course). I am so worried about peony season ending. Whenever the ones I have need to be thrown away I get so sad, sometimes near tears (for real). I love them so, and they make me so happy that saying goodbye is hard.

Speaking of flowers and all that, I really only have a few vases. The ones I have I barely use unless they are vintage, as I prefer using jars, mugs, and such. One of my favorites is a German stoneware beer stein I found at a thrift store early this year. It is perfect for flowers and really old. I also adore an old jar I found in a cupboard when we first moved into our house. I love that it has history and lived here long before us.

Last night was rough. I was so stressed about some money news regarding our home refinance that my fibromyalgia pain began to flare. I could hardly move at bedtime, and was lucky to fall asleep pretty easily. This morning I feel a little better, but that doesn't mean much as my pain is still really high.

I'm pretty sad this morning. It seems like no matter what I do things seem to get away from me. I want to do so many things. Go on walks and outings, organize and decorate the house, go to a park and read, cook and bake, have time with friends, and work on my creative life. These things are nearly impossible due to my pain. I can't express how completely unnerving and discouraging it is to not be able to really do anything for weeks on end. And this time not due to depression (which wreaks havoc with me and has for years), but instead because I am in so much pain I can hardly move.

If it isn't one thing it is another. I have shelved away and given up so many of my plans and dreams. Sometimes I wonder how much my illnesses/this life wants from me and I am beginning to think it wants everything. I give more and more away, shredding pieces of myself off like sharpened pencil shavings. I would think that at some point I would catch a break. But not yet, not even close.

C

swings and paint

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 15:28:00 +0000

Ronald's parents bought us this swing for his birthday. Ronald put it together yesterday and it is so nice! I'm on it right now in the cool morning before it gets incredibly hot for the day.

We are working on choosing paint colors for the house. We are repainting our living room and bedroom, and painting the hallway, and our two spare rooms for the first time. You can tell the spare rooms and the hallway because the walls are old and yellowed, so gross! It will be nice to finally paint those spaces.

Out of the twelve samples we only really love one color, a blue for Ron's room (we are each getting our own spare room to use as we like. Other than that we aren't totally sold on any of the paints. There are some we like, but we don't love them and that concerns me. We are going to try some of the colors in different rooms to see if that makes a difference. If not, it's back to Home Depot to get more colors.

I think I tried so hard to stay away from sage green that I went too far on the light green scale to mint and super pale colors. I like sage green in other homes, but it just isn't for our house. I love green though and don't really like any other colors other than a pink for my spare room, I want super light colors, we are repainting our two dark rooms because they started making me feel claustrophobic, so we'll see how this works out.

I have been wanting to go to Ikea so bad these last few weeks. We have a growing list of things to buy there. A lot of the pieces are not my style but I still love the place. And even though the couch we bought there in November is a piece of shit now (lesson learned), they still have some good stuff, especially on a budget. We will go next weekend as long as I don't have a flare up and can actually walk, fingers crossed...

How was/is your weekend?

Love, C

Oh and...stay tuned for the following posts this week:

My favorite thrift find from my last outing

Sick day survival guide

Carnivorous plants: the two new additions to our kitchen windowsill

a little/a lot rough

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Fri, 31 May 2013 14:37:00 +0000

Things have been hard for the last week or two. I'm out of my deep depression (sort of and sort of not, but any relief is amazing). But my fibromyalgia has been flaring up like mad. It's horrible being in constant pain. Sometimes it feels like certain parts of my body are on fire, other times like my muscles and bones are fusing together, or like my head is going to explode due to the tension. It's been incredibly difficult.

The evening before last we came home from having dinner out and I felt awful. I could hardly walk to bed. I couldn't get in my pjs, and I couldn't even brush my teeth or get my head on my pillow. Luckily Ronald was there to help. Yesterday was rough too. I had therapy and could hardly drag myself there without crying in pain. When I came home I went to bed and slept for hours and hours. I woke for a bit and then back to bed. I am so tired of sleeping and hurting so badly.

I am feeling a tiny bit better this morning and I hope that continues. I might be able to stop in the market to get some vegetables. I think I am not getting enough nutrition. During flare ups I can hardly stand to get a snack out of the pantry so cooking is out of the question, so we get take-out. The most I can do on my own is grab a yogurt and pull the lid off. I can't even wash an apple (if we had them), and can hardly make my morning cereal. So I basically eat packaged snacks like 100 calorie packs and pretzels. Not really balanced nutrition but I don't know what else to do when that is all that is in the house. So today to the market. I'm going to portion out servings in plastic containers so it will be easy to grab something nutritious. I am craving carrots so bad, and broccoli. Yum! I can't even tell you how excited I am to go out somewhere. So, so, so excited!

I feel like I need to mourn the loss of the life I thought I would have. After a shitty and isolated childhood I thought luck was in my favor in having a really good life. Instead I end up with depression and now fibromyalgia. I can't even express how sad and devastating this is. Especially when there is no cure for either illness. My lifestyle has to change so much and already has due to my depression. I try my best to stay positive and not dwell on my pain, but holy shit, that is so hard when the pain is nearly constant.

I'm working on finding things I am capable of doing even with fibromyalgia. I am trying to get back to writing, I miss it, but it seems so far away and I end up staring at a blank page on my computer screen until I give up. Reading poetry helps so maybe I will try that. Also my watercolor set has been resting in a drawer for months, anxious to get out and be used.

So that's something. And going to the market is something, and perhaps some new flowers are in order. Yes, I think so. It's weird how small and molecular life can become where something like grocery shopping, which usually feels like a chore, can become the one bright spot in my week.

x, C

new design + thrift finds

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Thu, 30 May 2013 16:13:00 +0000

Morning Loves!

Yesterday afternoon I installed the new blog design (bought here). I love it so much! It's not what I would normally pick, but it is nice to branch out and try something new. What do you think?

Below are a few of the goodies I snatched up at the thrift store last week. I'm saving my favorite find for another post, so stay tuned!

Gigantic milk glass bowl. Perfect for salads this Summer.

I was so excited to find this antique Transferware tea cup for two dollars!

My favorite tattoo that is on my left arm is modeled after this other

Transferware design so I have a bit of a soft spot for it.

I love this vintage Pyrex casserole. No lid, but complete pieces are so hard to find anyway. I have to be honest, when I first saw this on the shelf I didn't think it was Pyrex as I have never seen this design before. Not sure if that means it is a rare design or if I am not as learned in Pyrex as I thought.

This antique serving dish was one of the first things I spotted. I love the design and colors!

I couldn't believe I found this pink beauty all lonely at a thrift store!

I always have a hard time figuring out if these chickens are vintage or not...I have another small blue one that is the prettiest color. This one is a soft pink and is huge! Love, love, love it.

Two vintage ties for Ronald. I love that one is from Penney's!

Pretty vintage scarves for my hair. I find that the scarf section at thrift stores is so overlooked. I find a Vera scarf almost every time I go for no more than a dollar! This time I found this Burmel beauty for two bucks. It's worth about twenty dollars which covers half of my bill for this trip!

---

I really need to go thrifting more. I absolutely love it, it isn't expensive, and it makes me much happier and more satisfied overall.

Anyway, I hope you have a lovely day. I'm in horrible pain today, so we'll see how it goes...

xx, C

*A little housekeeping note: I no longer show my google reader follow button since google reader is going away in July. What that means for you is that all the blogs you follow on google reader will be lost to you unless you bookmark the blogs separately, or use another following program like bloglovin'. I use bloglovin' and it transfers all the blogs you follow from google reader in just a few clicks! Please look into a new blog reader program as I don't want to lose you and worse yet, have you lose all the blogs you follow! If you have more questions, feel free to leave a comment or email me. ;)

in the works

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Wed, 29 May 2013 01:23:00 +0000

I tried working on my own blog design, but that sort of failed. I don't have photoshop or the energy to customize everything, and I just ended up completely overwhelmed. So I ended up ordering a new design on Etsy. It should be up in the next day or two so stay tuned...

Love, C

snaps from a weekend and thoughts on home

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Tue, 28 May 2013 16:12:00 +0000

We are refinancing our house at the moment. Last week we had our home appraised and found out it has increased a great deal in value. For some reason this gave me an unsettled feeling. Ever since we found out the value I have felt anxious to move to a new place. Not just a little anxious, like incredibly anxious. Like I could cry anxious.

I am frustrated at how much work is left to be done in our house. Some rooms, like our bedroom and master bathroom, are entirely too small. I'm tired of bumping into corners of furniture, and bending awkwardly and painfully in order to take a shower. I'm tired of our toilets overflowing due to bad plumbing and having a bathtub that is almost too small to use and doesn't get hot water.

I'm tired of looking out at a backyard of dead weeds when I do the dishes. Of having a broken dishwasher and wondering how in the hell we will fit a king size mattress in our bedroom. I'm tired of the drab color and falling off stucco I see every time I go outside.

This all makes me want to move out. I feel trapped here. I've even noodled on the idea of selling most of our belongings and moving to a tiny rental property. I feel like there isn't enough light, I feel like too much is wrong. The thing is, there is no way we could move. We can't afford a bigger mortgage payment and moving in itself would not be easy.

I also feel like I can't handle any more renovations right now. I can't even imagine having a housekeeping service come twice a month to do some cleaning, even though it desperately needs to happen. I don't want anyone in my space. It feels threatening and scary, it feels uncomfortable and anxiety provoking. I can't imagine a gardener working in our yards. This increases my trapped feelings because all that needs to be done can't be done right now because I can't handle the intrusion in my space.

Ronald and I are going to get some new furniture. He is going to paint our living room a new happier color. We are going to set me up with a pretty white desk in front of a window. These things seem hopeful.

I'm trying so hard to keep a positive attitude about our place. There is so much beauty here. Peonies and plants. A kitchen I designed. Art and vintage things I love all around. Pretty beams fill the living room ceiling. And curtains I love in our bedroom.

We have two spare bedrooms that we use only for storage. I'm trying to think of what I would want those rooms to be used for. I am imagining pretty paint colors and functional spaces that I would actually like to be in.

I know I will eventually shake this feeling and return to contentment, I just need to ride it out. I don't want to sound unappreciative about what we have, I know we are extremely lucky and I know that deep down this place is good for us. While writing this I feel reinvigorated to make some changes that will help me feel more contented.

How do you feel about where you live? Is it just a place to be or does it feel like home? Do you ever feel anxious to move to a new place?

Love, C

rainy days and mondays

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Mon, 27 May 2013 15:30:00 +0000

It's overcast and cool out. Great for pictures and creating quiet moods. The house is full of peonies. Everywhere I look their full-bodied goodness is bouncing back at me. They fill each room with a shimmery soft fragrance that trickles from their never ending petals like a secret. Nothing compares to that smell other than the happy sprinkling of daffodil, and perhaps Chanel No. 5.

I've decided to wear perfume every day this week. I have a silver tray full of the stuff and wear a spritz or two maybe twice a month if I'm lucky. At that rate I will probably never finish a bottle! With every spray I imagine a letting of the magic inside its glass and it makes me nervous. So yesterday I wore a spicy floral and today I'll choose another. Why keep it in a bottle when it's meant to be in atmosphere and memory sensors?

I am in loads of pain and it really is the worst. I had this unshared wish that Ronald and I would end the long weekend at Ikea, buying me a new art desk, but that is not to be. Instead I have to rest and try to quiet down. I think I can do one or two things but I have to remind myself to go slow and steady as to not awaken the vengeful fibromyalgia gods any more than they are already.

Ho-hum and keep going. I have this unending feeling that life is continually getting away from me. All these set-backs, and down days really take a toll.

But there are flowers, and a day off, cool weather and puppies (lots of).

xx, C

grin and bear it and other such

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Sat, 25 May 2013 15:11:00 +0000

Cricket eyeing the carrots.

Bought some scratchers out of desperation. Lost.

Sick days.

Insincere fortunes.

Old movies in bed.

Soft morning light.

Wearing my hair down.

View through the flowers.

Charlie Brown shoes.

Taking myself on a date.

Very happy with this whole scarf-in-hair discovery.

More flowers.

Good coffee mug.

New note pad.

---

The good thing out of all this life nonsense is that my depression is lessening a little. Things are still hard as hell, but my mind is getting a break from the constant ravaging depressed thoughts.

Plus, it's the weekend. Plus, it's a three day weekend. Plus, music exists. And you, my dear reader, exist too. And I really just love you.

xx, C

brightness/lightness

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Thu, 23 May 2013 14:25:00 +0000

Morning Loves!

I've been feeling sort of bright mood wise the last two days. The good feelings don't last all day, but that they are lasting even a moment is a huge improvement. I think it may be the new medication I am on so that's good.

Yesterday I took myself on a date. I dressed up and spent the entire day out. By the end of the day I was pretty tired, but it was still a good day. I've been feeling like a loner so much lately, not sure why, but I'm ok with it. I definitely know that I recharge when I am alone so maybe that is the reason.

As you can see, the house is full of flowers. I love seeing their moppy-glow everywhere I look.

I'm trying to start journaling and creating things again. I've been avoiding it all lately because I've been so overwhelmed and down. I hope I can get into some type of creative routine that I can work on even when I am depressed. We'll see how it works.

It's been a long time since I've felt even a tiny bit okay (since August of last year). So I'm going to do my best to enjoy it.

Love, C

thirty-three

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Wed, 22 May 2013 13:46:00 +0000

Birthday boss

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Tue, 21 May 2013 22:16:00 +0000

It's this boys birthday. He is 33 and just wonderful. I seriously don't think I would be here if it wasn't for him. He keeps me going and always makes me smile.

I love that he wants to always improve as a person. He is such an intellectual that I can hardly keep up at times and he always is learning something new.

He thinks I'm cute and funny. He doesn't get tired of me even when I am full of self-doubt, he just reassures me. He is silly and smart, and sometimes moody, but always mine and loving.

I love him so much and am so excited for what year 33 holds for us.

xx, C

Saturday

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Sat, 18 May 2013 14:20:00 +0000

Morning Loves!

I was going to post these pictures of my afternoon tea-time yesterday afternoon but I ended up falling asleep on the couch! I've been a tired little bean these days, and super stressed. I also have completely lost my appetite. The self-conscious part of me is super happy about this because I will lose weight faster, but the healthy part of me realizes how unhealthy it is to have only 300 calories while running errands all day. I've been forcing myself to meet my calorie count every day still. It's not fun and I feel like I'm not getting all my nutrients.

Ronald is working today. I'm going to go to the farmer's market and to Home Depot to look at some paint samples. I decided yesterday to repaint the living room. I love the charcoal color it is currently but I find that it absorbs all the light in the room and that makes me depressed. We are planning on getting new furniture for the room soon so I want to choose the new paint color first. We'll see what I come up with.

It's a bright morning and I am looking forward to the farmer's market. I can't wait to pick out some flowers and goodies.

xx, C

no idea for a subject

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:20:00 +0000

It's been a rough few days. On Monday I was ready to start a new week and to get back on my feet in spite of my depression. I felt less depressed as I wrote out lists of the things I was going to try to accomplish. I also wrote a grocery list and headed to Trader Joe's for fresh flowers and produce. On the drive home I started feeling sick. I was suddenly faint and weak all over. I thought I was overheating as it was 90 degrees out. As soon as I got home I sat down with some water and cooled down.

Around the afternoon I wasn't feeling faint but I was still feeling weak. I stuttered through a few chores and getting dinner ready with Ronald. By the time we were done with dinner I was in horrible pain. My shoulders and neck were so tense and getting tenser whenever I moved. I tried to sit still and wait it out. Then it hit me, I was having another fibromyalgia flare up.

My last flare up was at the beginning of May. Tuesday I spent the day in bed. I got up a few times to stretch and I whimpered through a shower. I feel like my bones and muscles are fusing together in my neck and shoulders. It is such an extreme and horrible pain. It is pretty much constant too. I can find a position that relieves some of the tension for maybe a few seconds but overall it is non-stop.

I realize I have totally underestimated how much fibromyalgia is going to fuck with my life. I have to slow down even more than I already have. I am a doer, I don't like to sit still. Especially with my anxiety and stress, I try to do things to keep my mind off everything going on in my noggin. I can't do that anymore. I can't work through the pain. I can't live the way I have been living.

This morning I am sitting at the dining room table in a hoodie and with a blanket around my legs. Sitting in a chair is a big deal. I hurt so much still but I'm trying to stretch out. My depression has rebounded due to my realization of how much fibromyalgia can and will devastate my life. I have things I want to do, but I can't do them.

Sitting or laying around with my mind spinning in circles is one of my worst nightmares, and that's what has been happening.

I have been thinking about what I would be doing if I didn't have depression and fibromyalgia. I think I would be a florist. There is a little florist shop in the town next to us, it is so cute, probably 500 square feet or less, and vacant. I want that to be my shop so bad, one of my biggest dreams beside being a mom.

If that wasn't going to happen, I would work for a non-profit. I wish so much I could do things. Even little things like cooking sound amazing. But right now I can't do any of it. I just try to wait it out. My lifestyle has to really change in order to reduce these flare-ups. I'm trying to figure out how that is going to work.

Anyway, I'm still going to try, and I'm still going to fight.

Love, C

saturated

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Mon, 13 May 2013 21:28:00 +0000

I don't really know what to write, but I'm feeling pretty lonely sitting here in on the couch alone but for the three sound-asleep-dogs and the buzz of an oscillating fan, so I thought I'd write something. Life can be so lonely, in a lot of different ways. I feel lonely most of the time. Even when I'm with people.

Even when I'm with Ronald, I feel a gap between us, a disconnection, other than brief little snaps like a picture being taken with an old camera. For that instance I feel not alone, but then it's gone, quick as it came. I remember those moments so vividly for a very long time. The loneliness isn't his fault or mine. It's my entire life history and pathology stirred together into this mess I'm trying to get through. And it's sad. And it's really fucking hard to keep going.

Since about September 2012 I noticed my depression was clinical again. The depression has been seriously tugging me down into the depths ever since. It's non-stop. I feel like I come up and gasp for a few breaths, and then bam! I'm back underwater trying to wriggle and rile my way free. I don't know why. I don't understand. I get stuck on figuring out why this is happening to me. Why this exists. If I did something wrong. Something to deserve it. Or even forgot to do something terribly important that would have kept all this from happening.

Then I think how worthless it is to think that way. And I stop.

But I can't stop. Fighting. Breathing. Beating through. I seriously can't stop. But I am so tired. I can't describe the tired. I didn't know this level of tired was possible. But it is. And I'm the proof.

I'm feeling like hell physically as well. It's going to take time for some of the new medications I'm on to start helping my pain so I ache like crazy. Fibromyalgia is the weirdest, bad thing. It's awful, and I'm still in disbelief that I have it. I keep wanting to push through the pain, but that just makes it worse.

I hate that I can't do the things normal people do. I had things planned for today, but instead I will be on the couch or in bed. I had no idea how difficult it would be to have to stay still and take it slow not because I wanted to, but because I had too. It's beyond frustrating.

I feel like my life has stopped. I feel like my life never really started. I have/had all these dreams of things I want to do. Things I would do if I was healthy and could function even somewhat normally. I'm starting to let them go because now they make me sad. Now those ideas are in old moving boxes waiting to be donated to someone else. It makes me want to cry.

But I keep going. For Ronald. For the three pups. And sometimes for those kicked around and dying dreams. But I still cry, because I don't know what will happen, and because this hurts.

This song reminds me to keep going:

Dream For Us- The Appleseed Cast (listen here)

cause what i feel inside
i dont want to hide
it's you that got to me
its what i want to sing
cause i've got a dream for us
running through my mind
sitting on the beach
looking at the sea
and we are old and tired
and time has made us smile
as we go on counting things
people in the breeze
we're not the only ones
there's hundreds on the shore
looking at the sea
but it's just you and me
if the day never comes
i sink beneath the tide
will you still be with me
or disappear?

I'm never this honest...

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Fri, 10 May 2013 15:30:00 +0000

"You are in my guts and I am acting because you are alive."
-Sylvia Plath

"And they'll tear into you, they will, they will. They will, they will." -Straylight Run

Moon river wider than a mile

I'm crossing you in style someday

You dream maker, you heartbreaker

Wherever you're going I'm going your way

Two drifters off to see the world

There's such a lot of world to see

We're after the same rainbow's end

Waiting 'round the bend

My huckleberry friend, moon river and me

----

Yesterday was quite the day. I had therapy at noon but left the house early so I wouldn't self-harm. Therapy was full of figuring out medication changes and how to get me stable. I have about five medication changes at once, which is a record. My doctor is really careful to not go too fast with med changes but desperate times call for desperate measures.

He reminded me how serious my risk for suicide is. With my diagnoses' it's pretty damn high. It sort of scared me. The thing is, it only sort of scared me and that is a problem. I also showed him where I self-harmed last week and he told me I should have gone in to get a stitch. When he asked me how I felt when I saw my wound, I told him I wish I went deeper and that I feel stupid for not being able to do it. That's when we went straight into medicine changes and talking about how to level me out.

After therapy I had to stay out until Ronald came home from work because I didn't feel like I would be safe being home alone. I spent hours walking around stores and trying to find a pharmacy that had one of my new medications in stock. I couldn't eat because I was so down. I forced myself to sit and eat half a bagel at a cafe' but it made me feel sick. Once Ronald was with me and we had dinner I was able to eat.

Fibromyalgia wise my body is paying for all the walking I did yesterday. I hurt so much! Plus my entire back and neck is cramped and feels on fire due to being tense from all the stress.

I am really good at pretending I'm ok. But I'm not. Not right now. I seriously have suicidal and morbid thoughts most of the day. It's hard to fight them back, it's hard to not feel guilty for thinking those things. I am seriously in an emergency mode.

Ronald is going to be with me for several days, so I should be ok. I hope so. But I'm so damn tired.

fix you

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Thu, 09 May 2013 14:28:00 +0000

It's been a few days. A few graded, rough-as-arrows days. Somehow it keeps going, not just "it" but I. I don't know how it happens, but I guess I'm a stubborn motherfucker.

I finally have therapy today. I hope my doctor and I can change some of my meds around so the incessant morbid thoughts and panic attacks can slow down a bit.

Last night Ronald and I went on a date in between my panic attacks. It was weird to sit at a restaurant in public, trying to feel like a human. We made jokes and smiled some, it's been a long time. During the movie, in the dark theater, feet propped up, I totally forgot what was happening in real life. When the movie ended and we walked in the half-dark back to the car to head home, reality came rushing back like a rainfall. I was quiet and couldn't think of anything to say. I noticed the area over our street was covered in a dark grey cloud, how fitting.

I was panicked and once home took another klonopin to hopefully prevent a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't move Like I was going to throw up. Somehow I was able to get to sleep. Of course the haunting dreams were nestled there, just waiting where they left off the night before (seriously my dream life is fucked).

This morning I'm alone. My neck and shoulders ache, I still need to take my morning pills and feed the dogs. I was so afraid to be alone this morning. But so far I'm okay. I'm sitting at my desk on my desktop because my laptop won't even run iPhoto any more. I'm thinking of trading in my desktop in order to start saving for a laptop with more power, but I will get such a small amount (less than $400) that I'm not sure it's worth it. I really do love my desktop so I just don't know what to do...

I wish I had the things I needed to help me be more comfortable when I'm in pain. And to help my blogging and creative ventures. I hate not having the things I know will help me feel more human and less like a sick shell of a person. But it's a long road to get there, so our saving has begun.

The sun is streaking through the curtains and that is nice. Even during the worst of it, there is something there.

xx, C

little things

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Sun, 05 May 2013 00:12:00 +0000

Hello my lovelies. It's almost evening. I'm completely exhausted, and watching Family Guy. Ronald is helping run a charity poker tournament our company hosts right now. I miss him.

In health news, I found out my cortisol levels are extremely low. We ran the test thinking my cortisol levels would be high, so it was kind of a shock to find them so low. This pretty much explains my exhaustion, extreme muscle and joint pain, and weakness. The results came in late last night so I have to wait until Monday to hear from my doctor and to see what to do next.

I'm trying to have an ok day. This morning we moved the bed back to the bedroom (it had been in the living room all week). We went to coffee and walked through the garden section of the hardware store. I tried to breathe deep, walk slow, dream about good things happening and garden plans.

We stopped at the market and they had the big puffy pom-pom carnations in shades of pink. I bought one bunch in each color even though I already had flowers at home. Each bunch is in a different vase on the coffee table looking pretty.

Once we got home we tidied up, started the dishwasher, and changed the blankets on the bed. I sprayed lavender vanilla room spray all through the house. Ronald helped me take a bath in our tiny pink tub, as I'm too weak to stand up long enough to shower. I've actually never used the tub since it is so small and old, but it worked.

I'm trying to take it slow and enjoy the good things. Things have been pretty rough this year. This past week has seriously been one of the most painful both physically and emotionally of my life. I'm trying to get through it as best I can, and keep some resilience stashed away for what is to come.

Now it's time to rest. Tomorrow Ronald and I are going on a date if I feel up to it. I am so excited and already picked an outfit to wear, and I'm going to paint my nails a fun color. Should be fun. I need time with him. There is never enough time when it comes to that mister.

xx, C

just keep going

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Fri, 03 May 2013 21:09:00 +0000

I love this little dust bunny.

These yellowy-orange spider mums are dreamy.

The tulips are already dying and I bought them two days ago.

A ceramic mushroom I bought to paint, but I sort of like it better stark white.

Added a little crown to my favorite lady.

I love her.

---

So I am still so sick. I'm really depressed about it. I had some lab work done this morning and received some of the results already, and all seems fine. I sort of wish something was wrong (not anything major) just something to explain why I feel so crappy.

I'm not sleepy but can't get out of bed because I am so weak. It's so totally frustrating to feel like this and to not be able to do anything. My life has totally stopped for the time being.

At least I have three pups to cuddle. And our bed is in the living room full of comfy worn-in quilts (that really really need to be washed), I have a few candles, a fan (its 80 degrees out!), flowers, and shows to watch (re-watching Damages). I even have my favorite lavender body spray, and plenty of seltzer water. So I'll be ok if my mind just doesn't go crazy.

I hope to get to posting happy things soon. I also have a second blog in the works that will be centered on different areas of life. I will still post here though, so am not going anywhere.

On another blog related note: did you know google reader is shutting down soon (July 1, 2013)? When it shuts down if you don't have my blog address bookmarked on your web browser, or know the blogs address, you won't be able to find me! An easy way to keep all your blogs together is trough bloglovin', I thought it would be a difficult process to transfer all my blogs to their site but it was super easy! All you do is make an account and link it to google reader. It will automatically move all the blogs you follow over. There are also other blog reader sites out there, bloglovin' is just the one I use. I really don't want to lose you guys so put it on your to-do list!

Anyway, I will be checking in again soon. Take care my dears!

xx, C

today

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Thu, 02 May 2013 17:42:00 +0000

"the tulips are too excitable, it is winter here." -Sylvia Plath

My appointment with the new doctor yesterday did not go well. She took me off one of the pain medications that really helped me due to her concern about side-effects. So I am on less medication than I was before. I am in even more pain now (obviously). I asked for another pain medication to replace the one she took me off of and she said I had no other options than narcotics and she wouldn't put me on those. I am so discouraged.

She gave me no treatment options. She said the main pain medication I take three times a day is not that great. I asked what else I can take and she simply responded "nothing". Her main push was that I go to a support group. She signed me up for it and as she was filling out the paperwork she told me they strongly recommend that the attendees take a relaxant medication before arriving for each session. She asked if I would take it and I said no. I have no idea why me or anyone attending a support group would need to be on a relaxant! It was so strange.

I think my next step is going to see a specialist outside of my insurance (Kaiser) as I have tried the specialists there with no help. My psychiatrist knows some doctors who specialize in treating fibromyalgia so I will see one of them. I have no idea how much it will cost out of pocket but we have some savings so I'm just going to do it. I hate feeling like every doctor I see has no idea what they are talking about, they all give me different information, and know very little about fibromyalgia.

Today I feel rotten. I woke extremely depressed and low. It's hard to stay positive when I am in so much pain, bedridden, and feel like I don't have a doctor to help me. I seriously feel like my body is shutting down physically, I know something is wrong but can't pinpoint it, and the doctors can't either.

I also think I have a urinary tract infection. I'm going to start antibiotics today for it. Maybe that will help if there is another infection going on we don't know about. I so hope I can get back on my feet soon. I'm so sad and down. It's horrible. I'm tired of sleeping, of laying around, of moaning in pain, but there is nothing else I can do. I feel like my body is totally broken and no one knows how to fix it. :(

I have therapy at noon today. I will drag myself to it because I think it will help clear my head a lot. I hope it does because I am completely spent.

Love, C

currently

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine) — Wed, 01 May 2013 16:01:00 +0000

This is life right now. I am completely bedridden. It's horrible. My body is so weak I can hardly sit up. I am going to the doctor today so I hope she can give me some advice or help.

So glad I have Ronald and these pups. The pups are the best nappers and snugglers ever.

I'm also so thankful for my mother-in-law who is going to take me to the doctor today, and therapy tomorrow. She is also going to help me get groceries (we are out of coffee which is the hugest emergency ever). And she is going to stop in to water all the plants. She is the best.

Anyway, I should get ready for my appointment now. I need more time as everything takes me so much longer to do. I feel kind of like a zombie.

Wish me luck.

Love, C