gratuitous cute dog photo.

I'm returning to the blog. I'm trying to do everything I can to improve my chances of surviving this depression. So here we go...

This morning I went for a walk with R, and two of the pups. The trees were amazing in different shades of green and we caught the cool morning air before the Summer swelter. I feel nauseas, nervous, tired. I have therapy tomorrow, ECT Friday, and DBT Saturday (so many acronyms). My recovery and survival is my only focus. It takes a lot of work! But I'm hoping it pays off, I'm hoping I survive this. This is the hardest battle I've ever faced. But I'm one determined motherfucker, and I'm not giving up without a fight.

Due to ECT, I can't drive right now. All I want to do is drive and go shopping! Tonight we are going to dinner with some of R's work colleagues and I am thinking of dressing up and wearing makeup for the first time in months! I think it will be a good boost to my self-esteem to do something normal. 

I'm a bit rusty at this, but I'll try to keep it up.

xo, C



So I stopped shaving about a month ago. EVERYWHERE. I still pluck my eyebrows and my silly little mustache whiskers but the rest of my hair is enjoying its freedom! I stopped because it's winter, because I have issues with self-harm and razors are a big trigger, and also because I am tired of doing things because it's what women should do.

 I want to just do whatever I want. And so far the hair grow process has gone ok. At first I fucking hated it, I hate seeing my legs hairy even though they are super soft, and I also hate these damn hairy armpits too. Whenever I see it I am grossed out, so yes, I feel gross. But every time I feel gross I remind myself that I am feeling gross because society has taught me that having body hair in certain places is gross for women. That honestly is fucked up. So then for a minute or two I feel empowered. And I'm definitely getting used to it. Also, armpit hair helps release pheromones so if you find me to be more sexy, well you can thank the hairs.

The thing is learning to love your body is a huge struggle. Especially with the media constantly telling you there is something wrong with you that can be fixed with their product, and tons of things on social media judging and ripping people apart based on their appearance. I think I suck at self love and then I realize this is just the road I'm on. I'm still trying real hard, I have a lot of beliefs about myself as a whole that I need to work through, and body image is a big facet of that. So I don't suck at self love. I mean I have armpit hair, that has to mean I'm doing something, right?!

I think a lot of times in the self love community we don't talk about how hard it is to get to a place of self love. I have been on this journey for 2 years now and I still rarely feel love for myself. But I'm working on it, I'm trying things, so that's something. Ahhh now I'm thinking I'm failing at self love again! See it's a moment to moment process.

I'm not at all saying that you can't shave if you are practicing self love. I just want you to do whatever you want. As long as it isn't hurtful, or illegal fucking go for it!

more soon...



The Ponds

The Ponds
Mary Oliver

Every year
the lilies
are so perfect
I can hardly believe

their lapped light crowding
the black,
mid-summer ponds.
Nobody could count all of them--

the muskrats swimming
among the pads and the grasses
can reach out
their muscular arms and touch

only so many, they are that
rife and wild.
But what in this world
is perfect?

I bend closer and see
how this one is clearly lopsided--
and that one wears an orange blight--
and this one is a glossy cheek

half nibbled away--
and that one is a slumped purse
full of its own
unstoppable decay.

Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing
to be dazzled--
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even 
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing--
that the light is everything--that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do.



Hi Friends,

I am feeling pretty damn awful. The depression has gotten worse and I cry all the time. I am on Lithium now and it hasn't been helping one bit. We aren't sure what to do next but for now I'm just trying to cope until therapy on Thursday.

I'm very tired. Physically tired, soul tired, emotionally tired, brain tired. Sleep doesn't help me feel any more rested. Instead I wake up feeling hungover. It's been rough and I thought 2017 was going to be better.

Ronald has been great. Extra snuggles this weekend and care. I wake in the night crying because I am so sad and hopeless, he wakes up and rubs my back. Love him. He also does all the chores as my fibromyalgia has been horrible, to the point that I can hardly shower. I think I married the best guy on earth.

I wish I had something good and fun to talk about, but we are just in a horrible place right now. It's so sad. I'm so stressed about money as Cricket's vet bills really piled up, and she has ongoing treatment we have to cover. We've cut back on any extra spending so we'll be ok after awhile but I just hope nothing else goes wrong or we'll be totally screwed.

I'm reading a good book about Paris. I'm thankful for sweatpants and cozy blankets. I adore R and these pups more than anything. I want to learn to read tarot and palms. We've started burning incense and it's lovely. Every night R makes me a fire so I can stay really warm for my fibro. We have a little bit of chocolate in the house, and a lot of whiskey. And I'm hoping we'll get through this bout.

xo, C


"and I don't feel any different"

Hi Love,

It's 2017! Holy smokes! I have some ideas for the year that I am excited about. I've started journaling several times a week, I'm going to start writing poetry again, and most importantly--I want to work on loving myself. That's a tough one. Oh and I want to get better at crying. I've been stuffing the feels lately and that's always a bad idea.

I'm still in my depression but it's slowly improving. Just working more and more every day and not giving up. That's all I can do. Sometimes I feel these glowing lovely feelings about life and it is amazing, I haven't had those sparks since February of last year so it's a big improvement. I am an inspired soul and joy in little things keep my heart beating. When depression blocks those joys I start to crumble. So I'm on a positive course right now.

Ronald is going to be traveling more and I am trying to be brave about it and remember that my emotional reaction of feeling abandoned when he is gone is due to my shitty childhood and nothing else. It isn't based on my current reality or who Ronald is. I'm going to keep pushing through and hopefully not get too scared of the dark at night. I get so spooked a bad guy will come get me or a giant spider. Oi moi...silly me.

My Cricket pup is very sick. It's so scary and awful. She is the bravest dog, I admire her so much and that may sound silly but she is my soulmate. She fights so hard everyday just like me and even though she had a horrible past she is working through her fears, going to the vet constantly and still staying cheerful. I just adore her and hope so much she will get through this. I can't imagine life without her. My orange squish.

I'm really in love with our little house right now which is rare for me. I'll post some photos soon of all the pretty things. Planning on getting more roses this Spring and basically all the flowers all over the place. Love getting my hands messy and growing things.

Hoping for a lovely year for you and me.

xo, C