birthday girl

So I turn 32 on Saturday. The years go by so fast and I still feel like a 20 year old! I do have to say that so far in my 30's I have cared a lot less about what people think of me and I'm much more driven to be myself. So in that respect, I really like being in my 30's. In other ways I am kind of disappointed because I thought I would be a lot further along in life than I am. But having my life put on hold while I battled illness for 10 years seems to put a damper on things.

Anyway, above are some of the goodies I got for my special day (I picked them myself and ordered the way early!). Once all the renovations are done on our house I am going to smudge every room to get rid of the bad joo-joo and also set up an alter in our living room that represents my hopes and dreams for the coming time. So I bought an incense holder, offering bowl, and a candle. I am also going to learn tarot. Then I got this adorable baking journal and also finally got my hands on the 52 Lists Project (it's so fun!). I also got a micro lens for my phone and it's awesome!

I have a cold/flu right now so am feeling pretty rotten, but if I feel better by Saturday Ronald and I are going to venture to San Francisco to go to the Academy of Sciences, I am so excited and want to dress up in my petticoat and pink castle skirt with a red sweater (Valentine color combos are my favorite!). The Academy of Sciences has a wildflower garden on the roof! I can't wait to see!

I'm also planning on making a chocolate cake from scratch. I'm using this recipe and it looks so good! Oh and we will drink lots of champagne.

I usually get really disappointed on my birthday. I think because I try to recreate the childhood birthdays I wished I had as a child. Now I'm learning the past is the past, there is no changing it, and I just need to celebrate now. Hoping with that in mind this birthday will be more calm and easy.

xo, C



It's been a long time since I've sat down and wrote an actual blog post. My brain is so full of the current crazy-ness of life that I haven't thought of much more than day to day coping. So here goes...

We have had renovations going on in our house since the day after Thanksgiving. We are having both our small bathrooms remodeled and the exterior of our house painted. The contractors said the work would be done by Christmas...well now we don't know if it will be done by the end of January! The contractors have been horrible at communication, and have made loads of serious mistakes and poor workmanship. The worst thing is they charged premier prices and we expected good quality, but we aren't getting that. 

I spend a lot of my time fighting with them to get basic things done, and done quickly, I seriously have to fight for everything and this is my house! We are also fighting to get a refund on some of the cost. I spend so much time ruminating on how screwed I feel by this company. It's really awful to feel taken advantage of and to have to continue having the people in your house!

It has taken over seven years for me to have the courage to set up these renovations even though our bathrooms needed renovation desperately (one bathroom wasn't even usable!) due to my fear and anxiety around having people in our house. I hate having people over. Even friends can be hard at times. Home for me is my nest, my safe place, so having anyone here is really difficult. Our master bedroom is so small that we had to move our mattress into the living room just to have space for the workers to renovate our bathroom! So we have slept in our living room for over a month now. I feel very exposed and uncomfortable. Other than our renovated bathroom, there is no space I can go during the day that is private.

To top it all off, our four dogs (who are the best), get very anxious having workers in the house. Especially Cricket who was abused by her previous owners in her puppy months. It's really stressful trying to keep them calm and happy during this time. I stay home basically all day every day other than going to therapy appointments twice a week. I used to go out every day to write at a coffee shop, run errands, or just spend some time walking around places just to feel connected to the world around me. I deal with dissociation a lot so being out in public helps me deal with that. Now that I don't have that time I am having way more dissociation, anxiety, and disconnection. 

Most days I am in the living room watching cooking shows trying to keep the pups calm, being on Pinterest, or baking and cooking. We only have real access to our dining room, living room, and kitchen during the day. The workers say it will be another week and a half but they keep extending it so who knows.

I seriously feel like my life has stopped. I am just taking care of daily problems and not actually living in any real way. I feel totally out of touch with myself. It's been so hard. I'm just really discouraged and can't wait for this nightmare to be over! 

When these projects are done I am so excited to get our house back! For my birthday I am setting up an alter that represents my hopes and dreams, I also bought some smudge sticks so I can smudge the house and get some of this bad energy out of here. I am a highly sensitive person and there is so much bad energy and mixed up feels in the house right now, it's really uncomfortable. So yes, things will get back to normal and I'll start kicking ass again! In the meantime, I'm just waiting it out.

So these are the happenings and I'll be back to blogging and becoming more myself soon.

xo, C




don't talk back

even the garlic


yet this isn't about power


it's about brightness

and hunger and how day turns into night turns into day again so that

winter gives over to spring so that

the green things can grow-suddenly, fiercely, tenderly-so that

dinner gets made somehow

and the belly is full

and how come I get to be here

and why not potatoes

and what about love and then suddenly and fiercely and tenderly

everything, everywhere, ultimately

always is

-Rinsho Ikushin


let me see stars

"Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.
 And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes
 you cannot even breathe deeply, and
 the night sky is no home, and
 you have cried yourself to sleep enough times
 that you are down to your last two percent, but

nothing is infinite,
not even loss.

You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day
you are going to find yourself again."

-F. Butler