Twelve Years

Sunday was our 12 year anniversary. We went on a simple date and talked about love and the past and future. It was so nice. I baked a rainbow chip cake that fell apart and we ate way too much before throwing it away at bed time.

Marriage hasn't been what I expected at all. Dealing with illness and life and death situations from day one wasn't in my childhood dreams of being a wife. But somehow we have stuck together and it has brought us closer as we have fought in the trenches. We have gone to the very end of hope and are still fighting. Things are getting a lot better and with that comes a lot of excitement and dreaming.

Regardless of how sick I have been, Ronald has always been a bright spot in my life. Many times the only bright spot. I am so thankful for him and his love for me. Even on the worst days we can find something to laugh about. We have fought hard to get here, now let's celebrate!

xo, C


and the thoughts behind my thoughts...

This is kind of a triggering topic for me but I want to talk about weight and how the way we discuss it as women is really unhealthy and bringing us down. 

We are constantly shown images of women who are deemed perfect and imperfect. At the market check out, five different magazine covers shout out at us with ways to lose 10 pounds in 10 days, etc. The National Enquirer tears apart an actress in a bikini who has cellulite "you won't believe who this is!". What a horrible person! Showing the world "cottage cheese" thighs! The media tears apart women's bodies, and this affects all of us. It objectifies us, it affects little girls who should be playing with dolls instead of comparing their size with their friends. It causes eating disorders and shame.

I decided years ago to stop joining in the perpetuation of this whole nonsense idea that our bodies need to be judged. I am not going to join in the tear down of women. The tear down of my friends, and loved ones. I refuse to discuss it, I stand up against it. Its been a tough road to get here. 

I used to talk about it a lot, and feel guilty if I didn't make up an excuse for eating something when I was with people (especially women). How many of these lines sound familiar? "Oh well I worked out today so I've earned this piece of cake.", "Oh I should't eat anymore, but it's so good!", "I'll work it off tomorrow.", "I hardly ate anything today, so it's ok." Why do we need permission to eat food? I don't see guys doing this. Someone convinced us that we need to earn food and make excuses. No one has the right to do that. And the thing is, every time we say one of the sentences above, we are digging ourselves and our fellow ladies into a bigger hole!

I'm so over it. Holy shit, we should all be so pissed and so over it! No one should make us feel shame about our bodies...no matter what size we are, big or small.

I am my own worst critic. I remember at 4 years old feeling fat and worrying more about my weight than anything else. I would workout obsessively at ten (1,000 steps on a stair machine sounds weird for a ten year old, right?), I watched my mom eat only chicken broth for days on end and felt like if I only had more self control I could do that too. I have had disordered eating most of my life, and guess what? I'm fucking over it!

It takes a very conscious effort. The first step I took was working to not judge anyone on appearance no matter what. Not on their size, not on their clothes, or anything appearance wise. When I saw someone dressed in something I wasn't used to seeing or personally didn't think matched or I thought they "shouldn't" be wearing, I would tell myself that they really looked happy or have such interesting taste. If I saw someone that was a size I wasn't used to seeing, I would look at them with curiosity and a sense of openness rather than judgment. 

The next step was finding something I really liked appearance wise of all these people. "Look at that cool purse!", "Wow, her eyes are beautiful!" At this point I didn't have the ability to see anything kick ass in my appearance, but this exercise gave me the opportunity to grow in my acceptance of other women which spilled into my acceptance of myself. 

Then I started getting a bit daring and working on my judgement towards myself. Instead of wearing clothes to hide my body, I bought dresses and jewelry I really loved. I realized I should wear clothes that are soft and good quality, that make me feel bad ass and confident, whether its sweatpants, jeans, or dresses, whatever we feel good in is what we should wear. It was scary. After a while I wore heels (even sprained my ankle in them!), and in the last few months I started to wear red lipstick ever day and high wasted skirts that show a bit of my tummy. This is all scary as fuck mind you, I still feel like shit for a bit each day, I still feel ashamed of my body. But I'm working on it.

Now all this shit took (is taking) years. I mean fucking years. I still have a hard time with it daily, but undoing almost 30 years of bullshit is a really long and difficult process. But guess what? It's worth it!

I feel so much better, ladies. Call bullshit on the things we are told to believe, that little-big thought in our head that we aren't good enough. "The thought behind the thought" that tells us something is wrong with us. 

I am happy talking about healthy eating, working out, and all that. But I'm done taking that negative spin that I/we currently aren't good enough. That once we reach some size goal we will be more valuable or attractive. I'm done acting like my size, what I eat, or how much I move is a direct reflection of my value as a human being. That is such a crock of shit. Seriously!

So here's the challenge: next time you're out with your gal pals don't make an excuse for eating something. Don't bring up weight or calories or diets. Just be. If someone brings a weight topic up, don't join in, change the subject or just sit quietly and wait for the moment to pass. This is the work we need to do to change our society. Sure, the media needs to change, they enrage me. But we are also actively participating in the spread of the lie that the shape of our body dictates our worth and should be judged. 

Let me know what you think! What are you doing to boost your self-esteem and those of the women in your life?

Love you darling!



things that make me smile

1. Pups stealing tomatoes from the garden, and thinking they are being sneaky.

2. Propagated succulents ready to be transplanted.

3. Harry Ham Bone acting like playing ball is the best thing in the world.

4. Being able to sleep with a lot less hip pain on our new mattress pad.

5. Waking up after nightmares and realizing they were just dreams.

6. Cooking at home more and making delicious comfort food.

7. Greek yogurt and double espresso.

8. Pedicures.

9. A new pillow and lamp that makes our living room feel more mid-century modern.

10. Plants. Any plants. Even weeds.

11. The sweet smell of tree sap and leaves near our house. Besides the ocean it is my favorite smell.

12. Red lipstick and skirts. I'm a skirt person now and I love it.

13. Ronald getting excited for the Mineral concert we are going to next week.

14. About to celebrate 12 years with that nerd. Pretty awesome.

15. The anniversary present I got that kid. I'm such a good gift giver (sick brag).

What are some things making you smile right now? Slow down and enjoy something simple. Take a deep breath. Even on the shittiest day there is at least one good thing. Look for it, and don't forget that it will be ok.

xo, C



Hi Loves!

A few years back I did a monthly-ish newsletter. I'm thinking about returning to that. I love blogging but it's also fun to have a little newsletter campaign where I can showcase things I am loving and general goodness. What do you all think? If you want to sign up, use the form below!



"Oh let's go back to the start"

Hi Dolls,

Things have been rough. I had a pretty big meltdown last week but am getting back on my feet. I've been so stressed. Hives, tummy aches, trouble sleeping, nightmares...all that stuff. It's really super not fun.

The weekend was pretty damn good. We cleaned out my pink dressing/craft room and all it needs is a little decorating and it will be ready for enjoyment! We also hung some spice racks and I am thrilled, which is kind of silly but spice racks are very exciting at the moment! I can't wait to show you all the changes and give you a tour of my dreamy pink room!

I'm dreaming of less stress. The ability to cope with all these changes and feel more in control. I have realized I am a highly sensitive person and don't cope as well with change, I also am more in tune with the emotions of others which is super overwhelming for me. I have all these weird experiences and I am now reading books about being highly sensitive and it has helped me so much! I was always ashamed at myself, thought I wasn't strong, etc. But now I realize my brain just works in a bit of a different way and that's ok. I seriously started crying while reading the first book because I finally felt like I wasn't alone. It's a very good thing.

So yes, I am hanging in and working hard. Trying to breathe and rest and not meltdown anymore than I have. 

xo, C


Learnings at 30

I've learned a lot in my thirties (and they've only just started!). It's amazing how clarity comes with age. That rumble busy worry of my twenties is fading out and I can live slowly and simply. Not all the time, but sometimes, and it's the best. I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned so far.

Nature is my biggest passion. Whether its cuddling the dogs, bird watching, caring for my plants, or going to the ocean. Those are the things that bring me back to myself and help me feel alive. I always downplayed how much nature meant to me. But now I want to sing songs about it and dance like a gypsy woman!

Don't take on the judgment of others, it's a weight I cannot carry. If I let it stop me from being myself, I will get incredibly depressed. Since I've "come out" I have experienced an amazing change in the way I live my life. I'm not as afraid anymore. I realize now, it wasn't the act of coming out, it was the act of standing up to my fear of judgement and then realizing that judgement looks like a terrible enormous monster, but it's really just a mirage. If you don't take it, it doesn't exist. That is easy to say,  extremely hard to live, but it's true.

It's ok to be a "bad girl". I learned at a young age that there were certain things women must do and not do. Wearing red lipstick, speaking up, looking sexy, or calling yourself a pinup or feminist were huge no-no's. Now I am proud to stand up for myself, to call myself a feminist and speak out on issues that matter, to wear short skirts, and red lipstick all day (holla!). It's great and I have found so much freedom in my self expression. I curse like a sailor and love telling dirty jokes. I used to panic that people would think I wasn't feminine. Then I remembered that I am me, and being myself matters more than any label on earth or anyone's opinion of me. I used to know that concept was true, but it was like a fact from a book, I didn't connect with it. Now I know it. I soul know, heart know, brain know, and that makes a big difference.

I don't care about what people think as much. Someone says I shouldn't eat a cookie? I eat the cookie if I want to. This shirt shows my back rolls? Who gives a fuck? Back rolls exist (and it's a Batman shirt so must wear). Someone disagrees with what I'm saying? That's cool, we can disagree and I don't have to worry about convincing them. Someone has a comment about the way I live my life. Ok---I can listen and if it isn't beneficial let it go. 

This is the ease of living in my thirties. It is soulful and I'm more in tune with myself than I have ever been. I am convinced that much of my depression has dissipated due to learning these lessons. They were hard things to learn, they are still hard to remember and live, but holy shit it's worth it to work hard to live a full life. 

If you are unhappy with the way you feel or how your life is going, don't just give in and settle, fight for the life you want, fight to feel good! You deserve it! If you don't know what's wrong or what to do, ask for help! Work on yourself and for what you want, it's so worth it. It's scary, but it's more scary to live a life unfulfilled. 

If you ever want to talk about life things, feels, whatever. I am always here (and I mean that), just send me a note and I'd love to chat with you!

I love this quote from Charles Bukowski. It kind of makes me want to cry...

"People are strange.
  They are constantly angered by trivial things,
  But on a major matter
  Like totally wasting their lives,
  They hardly seem to notice." 

xo, C