farewell 2014!

A lot has happened this year. Health wise it was a bit of a mess, but I also had two glorious months not depressed! Ronald and I had some adventures, and we also enjoyed lazy days at home eating too much pizza and binge watching tv.

I'm in the middle of a month long fibro flare up and bout of depression. This means tons of pain, joint swelling, fatigue, and bad sleep, along with crazy crying spells and just blah. I can barely bathe and I am bored as fuck, but can't do much of anything other than watch tv since I can't think straight enough to read due to fibro fog, oh and I can't read anyway since I can't hold a book or my iPad in my hands without getting crazy finger cramps.

Needless to say, this is a shitty way to end the year and I'm doing my best to keep positive. There is so much I want to do. I want to get back to writing, photography, and plant a spring garden. I also want to learn to sew and I want to make things with my hands. I miss crafting and creativity, so I'm going to do my best to immerse myself in the things I love.

I'm also going to continue learning French, find a good rheumatologist, get a bike, change my hair up (secret plans here), hopefully get a tattoo, and start taking the pups for walks and adventures. Oh and be more social but shit is that hard.

I want Ronald and I to go to the beach once a month, to go on a date to the drive-in, and we are trying to set up a trip to Lisbon in June.

House-wise we need to get shit done! We just got a home equity loan so now it's up to meeting contractors and making plans. Oh, and me getting brave enough to let construction workers come into our little nest for several weeks. It's a huge anxiety provoker for me, but it would be nice to have new bathrooms and oh...did I say bathtub? Whoo!

Probably going to just get takeout and drink whiskey tonight. Also a champagne toast to 2015. I wanted to doll up and go out on the town, but not tonight. Hopefully I'll be up and around soon!

Happy new year!

xo, C


our day

We had an awesome Christmas! Lots of time with the ones we love, laughs, good talks, and puppy cuddles. R and I had fun exchanging gifts in the morning and I snapped a few photos. I'm so in love with my plaid flannel pajama dress, it looks like something out of an eighties movie.

R has a few days off and this weekend we are going to Ikea, which is basically my favorite place other than the ocean and Disneyland. Oh, and we go to Disneyland next week!!!

So I'm happy and a mess as always, but hey, I take what I can get.

How was your holiday?

xo, C 


Merry Love

Dear Christ-in-Christmas crew,

This year, instead of talking about the war on Christmas and how devastating it is that a holiday that was originally pagan may be less representative of the Christian holiday priests turned it into, let’s keep Christ in Christmas by focusing on something else: love.

I don’t know if I believe in God, but from what I know about Jesus he was pretty badass in the love department. He wasn’t judgmental, arrogant, or demanding. Instead he was compassionate, kind, and open-minded. Good lord! could we all use a little more of that in our lives!

So this time around, whether it’s “holiday” or “Christmas” to you, lets make it a day of love. So many people are hurting. Whether its from loneliness, hunger, loss of a loved one, war, or disease, people are hurting in this world. Show love by donating your time or money. Take time to really connect to the people around you today, whether its your barista, friend, or crazy aunt. Let’s not forget that the most powerful thing in the world is love, we all have a heart full of it (whether we admit it or not), so let’s share it!

Merry love day!

xo, C

p.s. don't mind my not so-subtle bitterness in the first paragraph. Blame Bill O'reilly's talking points. I really tried, am trying to love here. ;)



It's late afternoon and the sky already has its yawning-sunset sheen, pink and white swirls of magic and hope and all the stuff we lump into one day of the year. I feel excited and happy. But I also feel extremely depressed, volatile, and pressured to smile and be ok. After all it's Christmas. The reality is, this is a really difficult time of year for a lot of people. Even with family support, I struggle in the winter. I'm wishing you all the best of merry and bright and good. Remember that hope exists.

xo, C

National suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255


six days 'til Christmas and other such stuff

So my fibromyalgia has been flared up for about a week now. It's the worst. It's making me so blue and I'm basically one giant ouch. I am trying to stay warm, taking Vicodin occasionally, and sleeping like shit. All is right with the world...ok, not really. 

Ronald has been the best. Doing the laundry, taking care of the dogs, and he even set up camp for us in the living room near the Christmas tree. Sweetest mister.

I am going to sleep all day, and dream of chocolate. I'm so looking forward to Christmas. Also R and I go to Disneyland in just two weeks! 

I know the main cause of my current flare up is stress. I am stressed out of my mind. I can't seem to let go and rest. I'm incredibly overwhelmed and I don't feel like myself. So I'm going to change a few things here and there and get myself some breathing room. 

Oh, and I signed up for school. Introduction to Archeology. It was the only class open, plus I feel like Indiana Jones, which is pretty badass. We have been watching Indiana Jones at night to celebrate (nerds) and I got so scared watching The Temple of Doom I had to have Ronald turn it off last night! That's my confession of the day. Glad I got that out of the way.

xo, C

p.s. I am making a devils food bundt cake with this frosting for Christmas. Yum! 


Tuesday Tellings


I really just want a kitten to sit in my craft supplies.

I would wear this nightie every night forever and ever.

I have this and it is the cutest planner ever. Each page is unique which makes me want to use it every day.

This canister set is coming in the mail to me and I can't wait to get it.

I love this dress.

Reading this and it's so good. It's all about the servants in Pride and Prejudice. Brilliant!

Reading this too and it's tops.

Read this on the plane to Australia. Super good.

I made these pumpkin biscuits for the dogs (squirrel cookie cutters and all). They love them...but they really love anything edible (and some things inedible...).

If you want to know how I feel basically 100% of the time, check out these comics about living with an anxiety disorder.


Are you ready for the holidays? I'm so ready! But I still want to buy more presents for Ronald and make more Christmas crafts. I have chocolate sugar cookie dough in the freezer to make this weekend. Oh baked goods...how I love/loathe you.

xox, C



Being depressed is the worst. I'm doing my best to not give up, but my insides hurt like hell. The ache permeates everything and it is the worst pain I've ever experienced. I'm trying to figure out how to shake it this time around. I'm trying to be in the present moment, aches and all. I'm just so sad, you know? Just heartbroken in there and I know its chemical, and I know it's more than that too, and it's just horrible.

I get the above song lyric in my head whenever I'm down. It's sort of a battle cry and sort of a swan song for me. Part of me says "bring it!" to my depression, the other tells me I just need to disappear.

"And I can hear my swan song singing, it is winter then it is a new year." -The Promise Ring.

xo, C


Dear Amelia,


You walk into the bath like a nervous champion, and then you remember water and what happens next. My darling water dog, you are not the type to enjoy a bath. I turn on the faucet and there go your ears, limp and still. I coo at you like a baby and you stay absolutely still. Perhaps hoping your 70 pound frame of black fur will blend in with the white shower floor. Oh but I love you and to shampoo you. You need a lot of shampoo, especially on your corn chip paws. Your fur gets waved and curled and you get afraid of slipping. After a bit you brave a shake and I get shampoo and bits of your shed on my face. Thank god for shorts, and just plain you. Then a quick rinse and ringing out your fur, oh how much can stick in that undercoat. And old fluffy towels (you need two), and a nice rub down. This makes it worth it for you, this part you love. But even more, I think, you love the wild run around you do with your sisters once I free you from the tiny bathroom. You run like a stallion, a champion once again (your bath time shivers will be our little secret).

love, momma




Depression is creeping back into my arms. The empty suffocating ache in my center, flush as a diamond. And I'm so sad about it, and that just makes it worse.

I don't want to bathe. I don't want to do. I don't want to sleep but only disappear. 

I'm pushing myself still. Showers and salad. Christmas shopping and brushing my hair. Dog pets and scrubbing a sink full of dishes. Peonies in cups and bits of candy cane.

The weekend is coming and that means time with him. High holy do I need time with him. And good strong time, and lush talk time, and rest in his arms, and feeling safe, even for a minute. The monster locked away.

So I hold on and wait for bed time and nap time and him to come home. I need the ocean and a good strong dress. I need energy and crafting and boots in the rain. So to keeping. That's all I can say...to keeping.

Love, C



It's a slow-wake morning. I'm tired and a bit sick (sinuses can be a bitch when it rains non-stop). I haven't been feeling like myself this week. I am out of touch. I am exhausted. I sleep and have the worst dreams. The lurkings of depression are bubbling back up. I start believing all good things are extremely short lived, I start expecting the worst once again.

I did some writing for the first time in months. I just wanted to sort out my brain, to set things neatly in piles (organizing is a junket by the way). I feel a little clearer but still messy. I now have little messier piles instead of one big messy pile. Not sure which is better...

I am doubting myself again. My abilities as a person. I have to keep pushing forward. I feel so unexpressed. So stopped up. When I think of being stopped up I get an ASL sign for it in my head (took two semesters but remember almost nothing). The motion in the sign feels so much stronger that the words. Language is a damn powerful thing.

I need to go to the beach. I feel trapped in my head. In my house. In my lack-routine. It's so exhausting. So too much. But life is too busy for the ocean. Ronald working all weekend and so many other things going on I can't keep my head straight.

I miss the quiet and the slow and the clarity I enjoyed just last week. I was present and willful. I knew what I wanted (or thought so). My head wasn't fuzzy. I know much of the feeling is due to being sick, and lord does sick spiral me down.

But here's some writing. And its a new day.

xo, C


Short stop to nowhere:

And afraid because can't sleep.

Because bone pops under machine trucks.

So "I get along without you" sleep, and naps

All afternoon. Blankets tender as a leaf.

My soul hot. My soul stiff. My lip tough.

I am a stubborn girl, a no-give-up femme fatale.

And I feel so little and I keep it on. And I feel so...

Exposed and stopped up. A back up chain of all the

Things I didn't say. To protect your feelings...

I would die.

Those times I wither. I open and tearful in bed.

Then the real me comes out-- then the depression

Slithers, tail up. So upset to not be my one and only.

And I exist. I know it. A real perpetual. A real mover

And shake back down to every day life. To routine,

Expectation, letting go. To fear.

I keep every word shot from the hip. Every

Merciful heave-ho.

I keep my knees up. My thigh high. I rumble on

A short-stop to something.


Christmas list

Hi Doves.

I'm really excited for Christmas this year. We have a gorgeous flocked tree (pictures soon), and a lovely fire each night. I'm still in the middle of holiday decorating, and the house is a mess. It's going to be a cleaning day for sure. 

Here are some things on my Christmas list this year. I've already started shopping for Ronald, and can't wait to pick up some candy canes. 

I'm so in love with this iPhone case.

I'm fascinated with Coco Chanel so this book looks great.

Can't wait to get a dutch oven to make coq au vin!

This ring is gorgeous!

The best recipe box ever.