more when I know

I've thought about blogging all week but I have no idea what to say. I could give little updates on the week. How my ankle is still rotten, or how I got a lot done yesterday, but I want my blog to be something more. Sort of and not.

I realized yesterday that I have blogged somewhere or other for over eleven years. That I have shared online, stared at blank post screens, and attached photos for that long is pretty mind boggling to me. Even after all this time I don't think I'm a blogger. I think to myself that I haven't taken it far enough to be a blogger. That "real" bloggers have more followers, sponsors, or consider blogging their job and I don't have any of that. <--this is bullshit.

I don't want to be a blogger in that sense. Well, actually, I sort of do. It would be awesome if I was popular (finally), made an income, or got free stuff from modcloth.com. Seriously. But I don't do the work. My brain is too fuzzy these days to think of what to say. So I get back to my main point--I don't know what to say.

I don't know why I blog anymore. I don't know if it's just habit, or if it's something I really want. I am full of self-doubt and self-consciousness. Something happened to me this year and the confidence I was finally starting to build fumbled out of my hands just like that, and I've been struggling ever since. Funny thing is, this year I feel more congruent with who I really am than ever. But the feelings...well those damn feelings just won't line up.

That's the thing with me, or more aptly, my illness. It keeps my feelings stuck in old patterns, old thoughts of not good enough, of sadness and despair, of believing I am so incompetent that I shouldn't exist as a human. I'm tired of it. Bored with it. Done with it. It's lonely, exhausting, and worn out. So I change things here and there and reach for more regardless of the dash-it-all feelings that slither in my stomach. Oh it's so anxious, oh it still feels so lonely. But eventually (I hope) the feelings will putter out. I won't only be congruent, but I'll feel congruent. And even if the feelings never change, I'll know I am being true to myself.

For now I still don't know what to say here. I don't know if I want to pursue more, if I have the energy to pursue more, or if I just want to talk about my day. I do know I am unsatisfied with this space. It isn't enough, it feels incongruent with my current life.

So I'm here in the early morning, sad ankle, tired hands, restless something in the middle, and I'm figuring it out.

xx, C



A few things I'm going to pack for our trip to Australia (we are leaving in less than three weeks!). I'm really excited and really nervous. This is my first international trip and I am an anxious travel-girl so it's been a challenge to control. 

I am keeping lists of everything I want to do and can't wait to ride the ferry system they have in Brisbane. I also am looking forward to the botanical gardens, and going to this one bar that is full of chandeliers decorated with doll heads. I love that quirky stuff, and since I collect vintage toys, I know I will love it.

The flight is long and I get claustrophobic and bored. Any ideas as to things I should bring? So far I have movies, books, and crochet.

xox, C


Really random morning stuff

This week has been crazy. I'm so tired. And I can't sleep in because my brain is an asshole. Ronald has to work today which sucks. We have so much planned tomorrow that I have no idea how we can get it all done, but at least we are being creative.

Today I might go thrifting for a coffee table and if I'm feeling homemaker-ish make chocolate sugar cookie dough to roll out and bake tomorrow. 

Yesterday I found a leopard print stole that I can't wait to wear. Also some shoes that I'm thinking of returning in exchange for these which are maybe the most magical shoes on earth. It will be nice to be able to wear more than one at a time (damn boot...damn ankle).

When I woke up this morning I looked right at Ronald and said "nightmares!" because I just had a bad dream. Looking back now, it doesn't seem like the best first thing to say in a day.

It's been a really long time since I've had a candy bar. Months. This is good but a Kit Kat sounds amazing right now (and it's 7 a.m.).

My whole lose weight thing has kind of paused the last months. Mainly from the sprained ankle from hell, and the new anti-depressant. I can't wait to run around. I'm most excited to a.) dance around ridiculously, b.) jump up and down, c.) go for a nature walk, d.) clean the house (I know...weird), and e.) run for a minute or two and then faint.

The sun is finally coming up, so it's time to start the day rather than talking about random nonsense online. ;)

xox, C


things I'm loving

I love this quote. Makes me want to make and do.

This Swedish chocolate cake looks amazing! 

I'm going to be setting up a meditation space and this is my main style inspiration for it.

I would buy this coat in a second if I knew where to look. 

Being a dog lady, this dress is bad ass.

This spoon rest is adorable


Things are going ok. Lots of busy and stress but moving forward. I will write more soon, and hopefully get some photos on here of daily life.

xox, C


"I am ready, I am fine"

So I haven't gone too deep on the blog the last few weeks. Things have been well, big and I just wasn't ready to share much until now.

A few weeks ago we went to San Diego and I almost killed myself in our hotel. I called Ronald right before I attempted and he rushed back to help. It was the lowest point in my life. It was the scariest moment in my life. Writing this feels so surreal, because part of me still can't believe how close I came to ending my life.

I had Ronald stay with me the rest of the trip and met for therapy as soon as we returned home. In my therapy appointment I started to experience a breakthrough. I realized I wanted to start living my life, no matter how hard it got, or how much it hurt, or how shitty it became. I want to live my life! I can't let anything stop me. Illness, the past, infertility, all the things I tell myself that keep me down. I'm sick of all that bullshit. I'm ready to live.

This was a huge moment for me. I mean, I've thought all those things before, but this time it just clicked. Since then I have gone from having suicidal thoughts most of the day, to maybe once a week. It's pretty fantastic to not be constantly thinking about ending my life. I've also decided to join a DBT group (had my first meeting this week), and go back to school to get a bachelor's degree. Oh, and I started writing my book finally...no big deal...just doing the thing I've always wanted to do. ;)

Breakthroughs are strange little fuckers. They are allusive but when they happen it is a euphoric whirlwind of awesomeness. To go from the worst place in my life, to this, is a little overwhelming too. I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop and when things will go back down. But the other part of me says "bring it on!" because I'm going to keep fighting.

In the midst of all this good/bad/ugly stuff my ankle is still not healing from the sprain. It's been nine weeks so I have to go in and be fitted for a boot to help it heal. I also am having a fibro flare which has been ridiculously painful. Yesterday it got to the point where I couldn't move or talk due to the pain. So things aren't too good to be true. Things still suck but some things are getting better and that is amazing.

I'm excited to share more with you on the blog. I hate blogging sometimes because I am apprehensive about how much to share. But I'm going to just do what feels right and see how it goes...

So yeah. Thank the high-holy-whatever that I am still here.

xox, C