Hi Dolls!

We are finally home after our adventures across the country. Six days away, then one night home before Ronald and I had to drive up to Yosemite overnight.

It was so hard to get home then leave the next day! After nights in strange hotel rooms, and flights with loads of layovers and stops, home was the best thing ever!

Yesterday morning in Yosemite, I woke up with a cold! I felt so awful and I couldn't adventure and take photographs like I had planned. I was so disappointed! We drove home and all I wanted to do was sleep. Holy moses am I tired! At least I have three pups to snuggle, missed them loads!

So yeah, I'm totally exhausted. The house is a mess and the fridge is empty. But hey, home is the best thing and I am so relieved to be back!


the birthday pup

So it's this little Isabelle's birthday today! She is seven and spunky as a puppy. I have no idea how a pup can get any cuter. She is 15 pounds of moody-adorable-barky wonder. She has a sort of out of control obsession with hedgehog toys* and crunched up water bottles. She can also snore like no one else, it seriously wakes me up in the night! She has a ton of funny nicknames and thinks she can chase and destroy deer, wild turkeys, and the mailman.

I adore this girl and am so happy she is ours. We are out of town so will have to celebrate next week.

Happy birthday Shmoehawk! I love you!

*I can neither confirm or deny that I have fueled this obsession by buying her every hedgehog toy I can find. I even know the stores that have her favorites. Yeah..I am definitely an enabler.



Last night I had a dream Ronald asked me what I wanted in life, I said "relief". When I woke up this morning I realized that is exactly what I want. I never would have put it that way if I was awake, but it is completely true. I don't really believe it's possible. But I'm still here. 


sads and dogs and goods and bads.

Cutest pencil pouch ever! Get a set here

Hello Doves.

It's been a while and things are busy. I have been frustrated and angry and down off and on all week. I am dealing with a lot of internal and external crap and it's hard. I don't really talk about it with anyone other than my therapist. It's just stuff that is hard to understand, and I think I need to deal with it on my own. Many of the things I have talked about before and it only seems to make things worse.

I finally received a call from Stanford hospital for a psychiatric consultation. I have been on their waiting list for a few months and was actually surprised I was contacted so soon. I'm really looking forward to getting their recommendations and opinion. I will be going next month.

I feel a lot broken. I vary between totally hating myself (like I hate myself so much I want to kill myself), to a strong sense of confidence and knowing who I am. That's BPD for you...It's hard because the tiniest thing can send me down a spiral and I can go from fine to suicidal in just a few minutes. It's stressful as hell, but I am really working on keeping my confidence up and ignoring the thoughts of self-hate I deal with every day.

Yesterday morning I felt like shit. I ended up taking Amelia on my morning walk. We very rarely walk with her, and although she is pretty well-behaved, I had no idea how she would do. She did amazing! Didn't pull on the leash (which she is known for), and did fine passing strangers and other dogs. We walked fast and a mile and a half, we were both exhausted afterwards! She is my new workout buddy and I hope to be able to jog with her eventually. She made my day instantly brighter and I was filled to the brim with puppy-happiness.

We are also going to walk Cricket with Amelia on the weekends. Cricket is going through a terrified/grumpy stage. She basically only wants to lay away from us and bark. I miss her being herself, and I know it is stress and fear. I never knew how hard it would be to care for a dog who had been abused. And we got her at 7 months! We have had her almost two years and she is still adjusting. The most difficult part for me is seeing how frightened she is, and knowing that there isn't much more I can be doing other than being comforting and loving, and letting her go through it. I am really hoping exercise will help her get out some of her anxiety. I am also going to teach her some new tricks. 

Well, half this post is about dogs. But I adore them. They are seriously my life. I can't stand how cute they are and how incredibly happy they make me.

Okay. Off to start the day. Lot's to do...

How've you been? I miss you!

xx, C



"Once for every time you felt alive"

I guess this is what sad feels like. I know this feeling, I know it over and over, day after day and all in new ways. Always anew, always somehow shocking, but somehow familiar, and hated and chained.

I get old, I get older and nothing changes. It keeps, it keeps here and safe. The sad just nestles deeper.

You know I try right? You know I try and hard. And try and hard over and over, like a repetitive stip-stop-clap-clomp. I'm ready for the rumble.

How tough do I have to be to get through this? I don't know how tough. But I am tough. But I wonder if it's tough enough. And I rhyme and prattle, on and on. The little things I say that never get heard. All the times I shake my head to let it out, loosen it up. But it won't come out.

At night I slather my arms and elbows in lotion. I shower and over and over. Shampoo, condition. I try to wash it out. Out of my pores (trapped), out of my skin and hands. Obsessively washing off the germs while still getting sick and being sick, and sick-sick-sick.

So you know I'm trying right? And all you/I need is love. And children in my other heart. My misshapen heart of a uterus that won't make babies. Maybe my only ultrasound, that time we found the heart shape. Maybe it's a grace, a saving them from this suffering of life-life-life. That I can't escape because I'm scared and brave, and a goddamn stubborn fighter.

But you know I try. And at night I sit and always a rabble of thoughts follow and step in to me, marching in, marching in deep. And they turn like a wheel, and spin like a top. The thoughts, thoughts, and the thought of the thought of all I am thinking.

And then to sleep and the 'mares all night. The scary 'mares and waking frightened, sleeping frightened, crying about going to sleep and yet needing it to survive. All of it is one big long cry. But it never ends.

Oh and the morning. The waking early, the breakfast and pushing the button to make the coffee. Every day I push the button, every day I stand up. Sit tall, sit small, sit and walk and move. Buy and run a house, talk (how do I speak a word?), and smile...a real miracle, that smile.

And pain and sick, and you know I try. How hard I try to smile and be kind. To not complain. To feel pretty and good and wanted. When I don't know how. When I don't know why. When I look at you and what you do and so often wonder.

How did this happen? How did I get here? How did I get to you and you to me in all this sad? And can you remember? Remember all those times we were in love, and what we said and did with our hands. And how it changes, over and over (rumble, ready rumble). And then it stops, just for a bit, and then it remembers.

I get lost and then remember. I can't do it but I do it. And I am so sad. So sad and this is sad and devastated. So devastated. I earn more and yet don't have a dime. In my heart is an empty, and I am empty. And I love and I cuddle. And I breathe and march. And my heart breaks over again. You know I try, right?


weekend drive

Hi Loves!

The weekend was pretty blue for me. On Saturday I couldn't shake my melancholy so R took me on an evening drive up to Mount Diablo State Park. We live right across from it and can see it from our house. It's gorgeous! I can't believe we live in such a beautiful area. Spring and Autumn are the most beautiful. The hills get so green in the Spring (as you can see) and it's breathtaking. We live at the base of one of the hills you see in the distance. 

During the drive we rolled the windows down and I started to feel more hopeful and excited about life. Once home we watched a movie and tried a new bourbon we picked up on the way home. 

Yesterday we met with a gardener. Our front and backyard are not landscaped, and are full of Spring weeds, old bushes, dead plants, and breaking brick pathways. It drives me completely crazy! The gardener is coming over Sunday and is going to clean up both our front and backyards, including pulling out all of the plants and bushes in both yards. I am so freaking excited!!!!

I will take some before and after pictures to show the process. After this we will have some trees to tear out, and then moving forward with a new design and landscape!

More soon, dolls!