life collection

Life's been tricky this week. Monday I almost went to the hospital because I was actively suicidal. Tuesday something clicked and I realized I was internalizing my feelings and that if I didn't stop doing that I would end up dead from killing myself. I wrote a list out in my journal of affirmations and what I believe. Here are a few highlights:

You don't have to earn anything from anyone EVER.

You know what you want, you are not misguided, confused, or weak. You have control of yourself and your choices.

You don't have to prove anything to anyone. NO MATTER WHAT.

Just because you have mental illness doesn't mean you are weak, need advice, or to be written off by others. Your thoughts and feelings are real. You know what you want and need. You are not stupid, misinformed, easily-swayed, or not thinking clearly. Even if people don't believe this, it is the truth.

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This list totally revolutionized my life. The things I have been working on in therapy for months, if not years were actually taking root in me. It was/is a serious breakthrough.

Ever since writing the list Tuesday my suicidality has gone down drastically. I am thinking of all the things I want to do that have been put off due to my depression. I'm able to be excited about a few things (not much, but being excited about anything is a huge step). I have been talking to Ronald about everything I want to do and actually looking to the future and thinking that maybe some of the things I want can really happen.

Today I finally experienced autumn as I sat in my car looking through the open sunroof at a yellow leafed tree. It wasn't a strong feeling, it was faint and left fast, but it was autumn-- that lovely gooshy feeling I have experienced every year since I was a teenager reading poetry at Starbucks and dreaming about being R's girl.

It's weird how that happens. How life lingers and putters but always comes back. I hope it keeps coming back so I can keep going. I hope it doesn't stop coming back until I am good and old.

The last few days have been nice overall, although I was busy and rushed Amelia to the vet thinking she was dying on Tuesday (she's fine). I only took one nap which is crazy as I usually take one every day.

Every day by the afternoon I flatten like a too-old balloon. It's such an extreme change. I start thinking about how I'm not like anyone else, how I don't fit in. How people don't like me, and how hard it is to get through the days. I think most of these feelings come from guilt, and exhaustion. And then I start getting suicidal. I get suicidal so quickly, it's like flipping a coin. But I'm okay and I have a pinch of hope that I can get to next year. This is a big deal. A sea-change within me.

I'm still scared and I still often fucking hate living, but I also see a few shining things, a few possibilities, and I'm going to work on holding out to see what comes of them.

xx, C