...and then somehow this happened

Hello Sweets!

It's been a while. I haven't been feeling bad physically and am overly exhausted to the point that I can't think clearly. I sort of forgot I even blogged for a while. Things have just been weird, I don't really know how to explain it all but my mind feels really off-kilter. 

Yesterday I saw a rheumatologist who actually listened to me and offered me some pain treatment! It was so great to be heard and to not be treated like I didn't understand my condition or like I was just wanting drugs. I'm going to be seeing her exclusively now for my fibromyalgia treatment and I couldn't be more pleased.

I bet you are wondering about the picture above. Well...I bit the bullet and ordered a whole new wardrobe. This is just a sampling of the things I ordered, so it's a bit nuts. I have spent my whole adult life wearing cheap shoes with thin cardboard soles. Due to this, I've developed plantar fasciitis, if you don't know what that is, it basically makes my feet hurt all the time, shoes or not, standing or not, and the pain is super intense. I have been looking for more supportive shoes for about a year now, but my feet are so sensitive it's been almost impossible to find any that work. 

I ordered eight pairs of good quality leather shoes online, and I am so happy to say that six pairs work! I have no idea how I could get that lucky, I seriously was just hoping that one or two would work.

I mostly ordered dresses, leggings, and sweaters. My hands cramp up so badly that buttoning jeans is difficult and causes me a lot of pain. It's also way easier to choose a dress and plain pair of leggings for me than jeans and a blouse. I usually reserve dresses for dates but now they will be my everyday wear. It will be so nice to feel dolled up even on my bad days.

I'm getting the dresses delivered today and am so hoping they work! Above are the links of the sites I shopped at. If you need a link to a specific item let me know.

In other news---I'm headed to Chicago this weekend. Ronald won an award so we are going for his ceremony, I think he even gets a trophy. I hope it's gaudy and has a horse on it, but I seriously doubt it.
I am a bit (a lot nervous) about the walking the airport and handling the flight with my pain being this bad. It's going to be hard because just sitting for a short time when I can't spread out makes me hurt. And I am like hyper-sensitive to cold air. I am on some new meds though so we'll see. I keep telling myself "it will be okay...it will be okay...it will be okay". 

And that's that. I seriously haven't been doing much for weeks now, I haven't even done chores. I miss having a life and feeling like Catherine. I'm hoping to feel better soon. I have so many things in the works in my noggin, I can't wait to actually make them real.

xx, C



"Love demands expression. It will not stay still, stay silent, be good, be modest, be seen and not heard,   no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid."
–Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body.


number 10

Yesterday R and I celebrated our ten year anniversary! I'm so happy to be with such an amazing fella.
I still think he is completely amazing, and am so lucky to be his best friend. 

We have been (and still are) in the trenches together, fighting to survive and life a full life. I discovered this song recently and it seems to fit us so well. Every time I listen to it I get teary eyed. It gives me hope and reminds me that we have to keep going. 

Yesterday we went to dinner and got an ice cream cake with a rose design. We had ten candles and Ronald lit them and brought the cake into the living room. We blew the candles out together...and then the candles sparked and relit! I accidentally bought relit candles! It filled our house with smoke and we had to throw them in water to get them to stop lighting. It was pretty funny.

This morning we woke early and R made us mimosas. We sat outside on our backyard swing. It had rained most of the night and smelled wonderful outside. The pups cuddled us and there were birds fluttering through the trees and squirrels chattering like crazy. It was so nice.

Right now we are at Starbucks relaxing. Soon we will grab a little lunch, and tonight we are going to have a fire outside, make s'mores, and renew our vows. I'm having such a great time and my flare up has let up a bit so I'm actually feeling ok. I was even able to get dolled up.

I'm happy right now. With my honey, a strong cup of coffee, and madeleines. It's a good day.

xx, C


wanting and loving

Perfect journal for writing poetry

I love these shoes! Oh yeah, and they would help my feet feel a ton better.

This bracelet is too cute! 

Cat ring dish, perfect for Halloween!

 This was made just for me! I sure do love a boy whose name starts with an R!

Cutest iPhone cases ever!

I've loved this Allen Ginsberg poem since I was a teenager. 
I've bookmarked this page and can't stop clicking on it and reading the poem throughout my week.

There is so much pretty stuff out there making me happy these days. I've also been loving looking at fonts and type these days, dreaming about watercolors, and tearing inspiring pictures out of magazines.

How about you? What are you loving these days?

xx, C


"the road that has no end"

 where I'm spending my morning

 no makeup, mess, me

 Hi there.

So I'm sort of back. I had a horribly horrible fibro flare up that left me a total mess for over a week now. It was some of the worst pain I've had yet, on top of that I had flu like symptoms, which is normal with fibromyalgia. I even saw a new doctor and told her my situation and almost cried, and she didn't do a damn thing. Instead she told me I was on too much medicine and that I should taper off. I told her that I am bedridden and need pain relief and she said there was nothing she could do. It was awful and heartbreaking, and what is really disgusting is it is par for the course. I have seen four different doctors and a rheumatologist and they have done nothing to help, I mean nothing.

So guess what?!?! We are taking it up to eleven and I'm going to fucking Stanford Hospital to get care. I am going in for a psychiatric evaluation to see what they can do to help, and I'm going to see about getting treatment for my fibromyalgia there too. It is all out of pocket, but my in-laws are some of the best people on earth and are going to pay for all of it, no matter the cost because they want me to be well. This gives me so much hope and strength.

A few little things:

1. I haven't worn makeup in ages and I feel like I've forgot how to put it on.

2. I painted my nails sparkly out of boredom.

3. I am working on some new bird sketches and have a big dream of opening my own etsy store soon.

4. I'm on the counting calorie wagon again. It's day one and it sucks, but after a few weeks it's easy cheesy.

5. I have had so little appetite and only want a few things to eat. Cucumber (Seriously I could eat five in a row just plain), greek yogurt (raspberry is the best flavor), broccoli (again I could eat all the broccoli on earth), kale, and steamed white rice. Nothing else sounds good, I don't even want to drink any liquids, everything else turns my stomach and makes me feel sick. Problem is...the main thing I crave are cookies! These are like tremendous cravings. And I've been letting myself eat them, because when you feel like shit if there is anything on earth that will make you smile or not kill yourself you will do it (or I hope you would), so I went a bit cookie crazy. Cookie, me like you.

6. Just like my Doll Allison's post, I have been wanting/loving so much stuff! Everywhere I look there are the cutest Forrest-y autumn goodies. Clothes. Housewares. Jewelry. I want it. I'm sort of dying, but the only thing I will allow myself to get right now are pumpkins (even though we have four from our pumpkin patch), I still need more. I mean need. 

7. Mr. Ronald and I celebrate our ten year in three days! We are seriously thinking of getting new pots and pans as our gift. So responsible, right? What I really want are tattoos...oi moi. I had an idea of having our whole anniversary planned and making decorations and homemade cupcakes but I kind of lost time with being sick. We'll see...

8. The main electrical circuit panel thingie in our house is half broke. Which means we only have power in half our house, and it's random. None of our appliances are working except our fridge and we've been sleeping in the living room for days now (luckily we dragged our bed out). I don't like taking showers in with no light though, I start to think the towels hanging on hooks look like the angel of death through the beveled glass. We will get it fixed in the next day or so. Yay!

Ok. this is getting so damn long. It's so nice to be feeling better and to feel like I have (and want) to say something. I'm back. Woohoo!

Love, C