life collection

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Hi Loves,

Life has slid back down to dark pretty quickly. It seems like I had some ok days last week and then Friday it all collapsed in an instant. I don't want to go into details, but it was really bad. I have depression as well as borderline personality disorder, and both have been really intense lately which means I am fighting on two fronts. There isn't a word to describe how exhausted I am.

This post from Jes of The Militant Baker (one of my favorite bloggers by the way) has reminded me about my issues with BPD and has put many of my behaviors in perspective. It was so weird to wake up and read something that was exactly what I needed to hear. It made me feel a lot less "crazy".

I'm trying so hard to keep going, and I'm not going to stop. Even though dealing with it is the worst thing ever. Lately I have struggled a lot with the idea that I am not good at anything. That I have no skills. It's weird how a single thought can get drilled into your brain and play over and over, like a bell ringing non-stop. The thing is, I am not lucky enough to have just one thought drilled in this old brain of mine, I have dozens. My brain looks like swiss cheese with all the drill holes. The thoughts ring and boom, and crash and cry out to me. They tell me to kill myself, that I am ugly, fat (and that is a bad thing), a horrible sinner bound for hell, inhuman, flawed, a bad wife, a bad friend, a lazy bitch.

I'm sick of hearing these things over and over and over and over. I want to stab and kill each thought individually, I want to make them pay. I want to beat the shit out of them.

So here's to trying, here's to another day on earth--rotten thoughts and all.

xx, C

p.s. - I am getting a ukelele in the near future. Can't wait!