More Christmas

Morning Dears.

Here is some more of our Christmas house. I love the Nutcracker theater I found for under $15!

I'm tired, have a cold, and have been really anxious for no reason. It's rainy and gorgeous out so I will be bundling up and heading out to run some errands before my therapy appointment at noon.

This weekend we are going to Vegas. Should be fun. I'm ready for a vacation.

Have you started decorating for the holidays yet?

xx, C



It's a down, cold, sad, sick, anxious morning. I'm tired. Tired of struggling. Tired of putting on a happy face when all I feel is the sink-shore weight of my restless life. 

But even when I'm tired beyond measure, I have to keep going. So here goes.




This is our Christmas mantle. Most of the goodies are vintage, homemade, or from discount stores. I have never lined the mantle top with lights, but I love how it turned out and will probably make it a yearly thing.

I have a pretty bad cold which makes me a bit of a disastrous mess along with my back pain. I'm hoping to get some relief soon. Fingers tightly crossed...

It's difficult for me to stay optimistic when I'm feeling not so good. I think I would take the cold over the back pain any day. I can work through the cold but the back pain stops me in my tracks and keeps me from doing most activities. It's really frustrating.

It is Christmas though, and somehow that leaves a little tinge of light and hope on everything. So here life is, and it sucks, and it's wonderful in it's sticky holiness, and I often hate it, but I sometimes love it and that is what it is.

I will be showing some more of our Christmas house in the coming days, so stay tuned!

x, C



It's Sunday a.m. I have been trying to do some chores but my back is killing me. It started hurting over a month ago and I don't know what I did to injure it. I've been on 800 mg Ibuprofen twice a day for a month and using a heating pad and it still hurts! If it isn't better by next week I will go to the doctor.

We are all bundled in bed still. Some weekends we drag our bed into the living room (good thing we don't have stairs and our house is small!), we just camp out and laze in bed watching movies. The pups love it and we use the fireplace which makes it cozy and warm.

Yesterday we cleaned out one of our spare rooms. Now both spare rooms are clean and we can leave the doors open, it makes our house feel so much bigger! I love having a clean house.

The greatest discovery from tidying the room was my grandpa's recording of his stories from being a soldier in world war II. He recorded them with us when I was four or five and I didn't even know someone put it on CD for us! Ronald hasn't heard it so I'm so excited to listen to it with him. My grandpa died many years ago, but it's great to have some part of his story living on.

We also made our Christmas lists yesterday. Ronald wants two things and the rest are bourbons that are almost impossible to find! This is a bit of a conundrum. What in the hell am I going to get him?

How was your weekend?

xx, C


"Let your heart be light"

It's Saturday. Lovely to have a long weekend! Today we are going to clean out one of our spare bedrooms, it used to be my craft room and really needs to be organized. Then we are going to run some errands, and get peppermint mochas and go look for a new ornament which we do each year. Then it's time to write our Christmas lists (we were too tired to write them on Thanksgiving).

I love seeing what Ronald wants for Christmas. He doesn't buy a lot of things throughout the year, so I really like being able to spoil him at Christmas time.

We always spoil the puppies for Christmas too. I think a few nylabones are in order as well as some hedgehog toys, and treats. They love getting new toys which is so cute!

I can't wait to get our tree! We always make cookies to munch on while we decorate it.

Anyway, I am quite Christmas-minded today...don't mind me. :)

xx, C



Things I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

Christmas music


The pups




Being an auntie

Nail polish





Our warm cozy bed

Anti-depressant medication (even though I hate taking it)

Our house

The ocean




Peppermint mochas

My computer and all the tech-y stuff that goes with it


My wedding ring

Good conversations

That the bad in life runs out eventually (even if it is only a day or two reprieve)





Christmas trees

Watercolor paints


Good pens



Dr. K (my therapist)

Pretty Christmas decorations

Iced tea



Road trips


That cuts heel, even though they leave scars

Ronald's smile







Today we are heading to Ronald's parents house for Thanksgiving,  it's only two miles away so no road trip involved. :) On our way we will stop at Starbucks for PM's (Peppermint mochas) and to get the Starbucks Christmas CD. We are going to bring the puppers, and snack on chex mix until dinner time (yum!). When we get home we will watch our first Christmas movie of the season and write our Christmas lists. We are total creatures of habit so we do this every single year, but we love it.

How do you celebrate Thanksgiving/Christmas time?

xx, C



This is my dear, sweet Amelia. For Halloween she was sneaky and ate half of a terribly large pumpkin and made herself sick. She loves bed time and wanders around the house encouraging us to go to bed early.

In other news-es. I want to decorate for Christmas so badly! On Sunday Ronald brought the Christmas decorations inside, but they are still in the boxes filling our dining room. I just don't have the energy to do much of anything.

I had a rough day yesterday. I just didn't feel like myself and had really intense mood-swings. I went to therapy and barely talked, I usually have plenty to say, instead I stared off into space and cried.

Today I'm feeling a bit better. Tonight Ronald and I might go on a date. A peppermint mocha seems to be in order, as well as a movie. Fun!

xx, C


"all I need is a little discourage"

My lot in life has been pretty crappy. Until meeting Ronald in 2002, I felt completely numb, dead, and lonely. I don't know how to express the way those feelings plagued me throughout childhood. They were so intense that I have blocked most of them out.

Once Ronald and I started dating, I became a volatile bundle of nerves and sorrow. I slept in his bed when I went to his house, because I finally felt safe enough to rest, I would sleep for hours and hours. It was the first time in my life I truly felt safe. It took nineteen years for me to get there.

When we got married the sadness and devastation hit. I realized how bad my childhood really was. My self-consciousness and sorrow brought me to a breaking point. I cried and cried. I couldn't work because I cried for hours each day. I couldn't control it. After two years of this I finally went to get help. I have been in therapy and on medication ever since.

Yesterday I looked through some of our love letters (we have shoe boxes stuffed with notes and mementos). Reading the notes I caught a theme: we were writing to each other about hope. That things would get better soon. That my "hard time" or "Jezebel" as we once named it, would go away soon. At least after a year or two, right? We knew it wouldn't be easy, but we believed it would get better, if we just tried hard enough.

But here we are. Seven years of treatment gone by. When I say "treatment" I don't mean occasional counseling, or medication. I mean regular, intensive therapy (at least once per week and mostly two), religiously taking the medication I have been prescribed, and being on so many combinations of pills I have to write down the names and doses not to forget.

I can't express to you how much I fight to stay here. How sometimes every minute is a battle of my wills. I can't explain how hard it is to sleep, to breathe in, to act like things are okay around other people. And I really mean it. I really do fight. I apply the things I learn in therapy. I reach out for help from people around me. I write notes and lists and journals of hopeful thoughts and ideas.

But here I am today, entirely disheartened. I'm coming to the realization that things may not get better. It may never be better than this. Each day I may wake up sad and irritable, I may still take piles of pills, I may always have the temptation to kill myself and self-harm. I may always be on the brink of losing it or ending my life. We may never be able to have kids because of this or our fertility issues.

I'm not losing hope when I say this. I'm not admitting failure. I'm just looking at the potential reality. There is no guarantee or promise that my life will be good, or full, or bearable. The only problem is, I don't know how much more I can take. But I will still try, and hope even when I don't want to, and move because I have to. There is no other choice.

xx, C



I have a closet disaster on my hands. It has been at least six months since I've cleaned out my double doored clothes closet. I am not neat with clothes, there is a huge pile of clothes on the floor in the closet (I mean a several feet deep pile!), and all my shoes are underneath. It's at the point where I can only find two matching pairs of shoes and have been wearing those for two months. I miss my shoes and am sure I have lost my memory as to what shoes I have and some of my clothes!

So today is the big clean out day. I am already anxious about it as cleaning up messes overwhelms me, but I can do it.

This is usually not how I operate. I do make a mess of my closet, but clean it every few weeks. I guess depression even messes with my fashionable side. ;)

xx, C


"You've got a lot of heart"

I've been listening to this song all morning and crying through most of it. Not really a bad cry, just a things-are-hard-but-I-can't-give-up sort of cry.

BE STILL- The Killers

Be still
And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We're in the belly of the beast

Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can't take it anymore

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done

Be still
One day you'll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you've come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see
Was there something out there for me?

Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you'll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn't change what's in your blood
(Over chains)
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still

Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you're in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got sooooo much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is done
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is

Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is done



Today is a good day. I went to see a sleep specialist this morning and found solutions for my sleep issues. It's cold and bright out. All the leaves are raining from the trees like colorful candy buttons falling from the sky. Our heater is on, the dogs are snuggled up together and I am watching the X-Files in pjs. It's nice to be here, right now, in this moment, even though most other moments are shit. This one is okay, so I'll take it.

These Stabilo pens are by far the best pens I have ever used. I am sort of a pen snob. I need them super fine, smooth flowing, acid free, and waterproof (as I often paint over my drawings). These pens are amazing, they do all those things and are in the cutest colors. I don't know what else to say to tell you how much I love these, so check 'em out if you are a pen lover/snob as well.

This five year Q & A diary is perfect too. Last year I used a moleskine monthly journal set, but I got a bit bored with it around September and stopped filling them out. So I think this one will be more manageable. The nice thing is it only takes a sentence or two to answer the question. They aren't silly questions either, some are easy and some are hard to answer, but all are thought provoking.

For now I am answering question in the Q & A diary once a day, and also writing in my thin red Classic Moleskine journal daily. I buy them at Target ($18 for a set of two) and they are nice because they don't last all year (I hate having the same large journal all year long), they only last maybe two months for me. They are flexible and the paper is smooth and lovely to write on. 

This pen pack and my journals are some of my favorite things. I am smitten.

Do you journal? If so, what kind of journal do you have?

xx, C


this morning

Feeling pretty lousy this morning. This is my to-do list from last week, and I think I have only done two things from it.

My anxiety and sadness are beating and I'm trying to calm down as R is at work. I tell myself that it will be ok. That it's ok to be sad and have bad days. That it's ok to cry. But the tears still won't come and I feel pent up and knocked around by this evil internal monster.

Sleep is still horrible. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a sleep specialist to go through some of the issues I'm having with my CPAP machine. We'll see if that helps.

At least it is cold outside. There are blankets, and candles, and pups around, and tea waiting to be made in the kitchen.

xx, C


home heart

Reasons I love home the best:

This is my backyard view when I'm doing the dishes.

I have a table full of plants.

This is our kitchen.

We have a wall full of art.

Our bed is cozy.

I have a huge desk to work at.

He lives with me!

This adorable couch-eating puppy.

This precious lazy dog.

And last but not least. Our fuzzy monster Isabelle.


What do you love about home?



I don't have much to say. But just wanted to check in.

It's Saturday, and it is cold and frosty and bright out. I love this time of year.

Yesterday I found some vintage stockings, and ornaments. I also found an ornament at Marshall's that looks exactly like our pup Cricket! I was so shocked as she is such an interesting mix, but it was just sitting on the shelf waiting for me to snatch it up.

xx, C


white horse

I had a complete meltdown at bedtime last night. It turned into one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had, but after a Klonopin things settled down enough so I could sleep.

I'm tired. Dealing with my depression is so hard, it leaves me utterly exhausted. I have to keep fighting but sometimes I don't know how I will do that.

I had a nightmare the other night of a white horse that had it's left leg cut off. It was bleeding and people were watching it die. I think I am the white horse, that I am broken and dying. I have been fighting so hard, powering through, but sometimes I want to give up.

It is a new day, I can always count on that, but sometimes that is the hard part.

xx, C



My CPAP machine arrived two nights ago. Not feeling much better just yet, but I know it takes time. It's nice to know that I have everything I need to get better.

I can't wait to be creative again. I want to feel good enough to paint, and inspired to write again. I hope that will happen soon as I am so afraid my desire to write has vanished. Usually I have to write poems once a week or at least every two weeks, but for the last five months or so I haven't sat down to write at all. I hate that. If I lose the writer in me I will be so discouraged.

My looks are a disaster right now. My hair needs to be dyed so bad (I have over an inch of roots showing), and my bangs have grown out past my eyes. I need to take better care of myself. I'm going to try to dye my hair and trim my bangs today though.

Anyway, life goes on.

xx, C


simple Halloween

How was your Halloween? Ours was very chill. We picked up cheap Chinese food, watched The Nightmare Before Christmas, and had cake. We also bought the girls some special treats and they loved them. I tried to get them to pose for the camera while they were waiting for the treats but it wasn't easy to keep them still as they were so excited!

In other news. We have to get a new wash machine as ours is broken. The only thing is we don't want to wait to have it delivered (next week), so we have to think of some creative way to get it home. :) We need to do laundry so bad, it's crazy!

My back is hurting again. But the good news is I should be getting my CPAP machine any day now. I am so ready for deep sleep!

I hope you had a lovely Halloween! I am so excited it is November and can't wait to start getting things ready for Christmas!

xx, C