Status update: I'm fine when I'm busy but when things slow down I become a depressed/suicidal mess. The thing is I can only be busy for so long before I burn out so I need to start the balancing process.
Last night Ronald and I went to get dinner and cocktails. On the way home I started having a little panic attack. I was freaking out about how I don't know what I'm doing, what my purpose is, why I exist. I know that seems existential and not so important to figure out, but it feels so close and so scary to wonder those things at my very core.
I also can't feel the love people have for me, the acceptance and support they give, I can only feel pain. I never am satisfied because good feelings don't register inside me. When Ronald says something sweet to me, I automatically start thinking about how horrible I am, or how he is lying. It sucks having so many defenses up that keep me from accepting comfort and good things.
I'm just exhausted and I have no f***ing clue what I'm doing.
Wish me luck, C
Wait... wait.... breathe.... it will get better. Love you
ReplyDeleteGood luck, C. Xxxooo
ReplyDeleteWishing you luck..
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind you are not horrible, you deserve nice things and people to treat you sweet.. It's not your fault you feel sad and have hard times, you still deserve the sweetness.