I dance around a lot of things on my blog. I try to be honest but am scared to be completely real. I don't want to be unpopular, to make people sad, or to be written off so I stay aloof in what is really going on.
The real truth is I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years. I had my first suicidal thought at twelve years old. Some days they are extremely intense, other days they are almost nonexistent. Currently, I am in a bad place. I am very suicidal and am trying to stay alive. That is really my only goal. I have a good support system and a plan to stay safe, but it's exhausting and the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
Did you know that in the US more people die of suicide than motor vehicle
accidents? I was totally shocked when I found this out. It breaks my heart that there are so many people out there suffering with suicide and feeling so hopeless.
Suicide is something people are afraid to talk about. I want to change that. Even though right now I am scared to post this, if I could give one person hope for just a few minutes than it is worth it.
I went years untreated for my depression and suicidal thoughts. For the first years of our marriage Ronald and I had no idea what was going on and I thought I was losing my mind. I was afraid to tell people how bad things were and I thought I would be giving up and be seen as weak if I got help. I'm lucky to have sought help. It really has saved my life. Even though now I am still fighting, I am alive right now and that is something.
I am going to start being more honest here. I feel like I need to do this. I need to be purposeful and real. Things will be a bit more intense around here as this isn't easy to talk about and isn't something to be taken lightly. But I am tired of pretending I am okay when I'm not. I'm tired of adding to the stigma by remaining silent. I'm tired of acting like this isn't an issue for us as a family, society, culture.
If you are having issues with suicidal thoughts, this is a great place to seek
help.
Here's to hope, C