birdy and b.

The life collection etsy shop (birdy and b.) will be opening soon! I am working on setting everything up now and am really excited about it! 

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support on my last post. It's nice to have a safe place where I can write about what's really going on.

Have a good weekend!

xx, C



I dance around a lot of things on my blog. I try to be honest but am scared to be completely real. I don't want to be unpopular, to make people sad, or to be written off so I stay aloof in what is really going on.

The real truth is I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years. I had my first suicidal thought at twelve years old. Some days they are extremely intense, other days they are almost nonexistent. Currently, I am in a bad place. I am very suicidal and am trying to stay alive. That is really my only goal. I have a good support system and a plan to stay safe, but it's exhausting and the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

Did you know that in the US more people die of suicide than motor vehicle accidents? I was totally shocked when I found this out. It breaks my heart that there are so many people out there suffering with suicide and feeling so hopeless.

Suicide is something people are afraid to talk about. I want to change that. Even though right now I am scared to post this, if I could give one person hope for just a few minutes than it is worth it.

I went years untreated for my depression and suicidal thoughts. For the first years of our marriage Ronald and I had no idea what was going on and I thought I was losing my mind. I was afraid to tell people how bad things were and I thought I would be giving up and be seen as weak if I got help. I'm lucky to have sought help. It really has saved my life. Even though now I am still fighting, I am alive right now and that is something.

I am going to start being more honest here. I feel like I need to do this. I need to be purposeful and real. Things will be a bit more intense around here as this isn't easy to talk about and isn't something to be taken lightly. But I am tired of pretending I am okay when I'm not. I'm tired of adding to the stigma by remaining silent. I'm tired of acting like this isn't an issue for us as a family, society, culture.

If you are having issues with suicidal thoughts, this is a great place to seek help.

Here's to hope, C


I went to the doctor yesterday. My doctor thinks I have sleep apnea. So I need to do a sleep study to see if that is actually it. I also have vertigo, and some tummy issues that are causing the nausea I have been experiencing.

I'm so physically exhausted I can't even put it into words. So I am trying to rest as much as I can. I am in a really bad place emotionally as well. So things are pretty much as rough as they can be.

Wish me luck my dears.

xx, C


Pumpkin head guy

I about died when I saw this silly-polka-dot-sparkly-smile-faced-pumpkin-head-guy at Joann's Fabrics today. Isn't he adorable? I had to snatch him up and as luck would have it...he was on sale! :)

I decorated the entire mantle for Halloween and I'm not quite sold on it yet so am going to make some changes. It's gaudy, I love gaudy for holidays but maybe it's too much? I think I might take some of the pictures down or maybe take down the orange pumpkins? Not sure yet...

In other news life is hard as hell in the emotional/physical/mental department. I am sad, depressed, I have no energy. I wish I had friends. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow for tests. This is all hard and I hate the alone in the world feeling I've been experiencing.

But I did decorate the mantle. That's something.

xx, C


"and I'll be everything you ask and more"

Ronald is my lucky penny. The rest of the coins in my pocket are various curses. Depression, memories of a bad childhood, a few other mental illnesses for good measure, infertility, and now this yet to be named energy sapping physical illness. It makes me realize if it wasn't for that lucky penny I wouldn't be fighting any more.

I have been sitting with this vague understanding that no one is promised a life of health, a good life, a happy life. That makes me want to cry. But it is the truth. I fight harder than most people know. I think I handle this curse pretty well, but damn it hurts, and damn do I want it to end.

I have to keep going though, for that shiny penny. Even when it hurts like hell, even when I can't go on, I have to. And that is the beauty, and that is all the terror in the world.

xx, C



I am so happy it's Autumn! I have Halloween decorations and miniature pumpkins just waiting to be put out. I hope I feel better soon so I can decorate and enjoy the season fully.

Favorite things about Autumn:

Bundling in sweaters and scarves
Peppermint mochas
Crunchy leaves
Christmas is right around the corner

Happy Autumn!

xx, C


'til it's gone

notice the giant sun spot by my lips and nose? I love sunspots...
I have no energy. I have been fighting energy battles for years as depression sure can sap me of it, but this time it's different. It has been two months of feeling like I can hardly stand up, of being dizzy and lightheaded, of feeling totally spent. I have gone to the doctor, had full blood panels done and nothing is wrong. I have been on two courses of antibiotics and those didn't help. I have tried working on things in therapy and my psychiatrist changed some of my medicine around and still nothing.

The hardest part is, it's getting worse. I cry about it, I get depressed from it, I can hardly do anything. I have motivation in my head--there are things I want to do, but I physically am unable to do them.

It's worse than when I have the flu, it's worse than when I am bedridden with depression, it's really (really) bad. And the thing is no one knows what to do...so I get worried.

This week includes another trip to the doctor for more tests and advice. And two sessions of therapy (as always), and that balance between rest and still showering and functioning on some level.

I'm sorry I have been an absent commenter on your blogs, sometimes it's even hard to type, so I try to fit in as many updates here as I can.

Sending love, C


Beach day

We took a two hour road trip to our favorite beach today. It was so nice to have time to talk and catch up on the drive. Once we got there we wished we brought our dogs as the beach was full of them. But we had a little picnic and made jokes the whole time. I giggled so much I gave myself a tummy ache, which was good because I haven't laughed in a long time. Ronald played guitar and I laid in the sun in my polka dot sweater. Then we walked to the ocean and the water was so cold! It was an ever so lovely day.

Now we are home drinking whiskey and watching a movie. Soon it will be cake time (I made us an anniversary cake that we have yet to try).

How was your Saturday?

xx, C



Hello my loves!

What do you think of the new blog design? I really love it and found it from this shop on etsy. I feel like this design is a better representation of where I am right now and I'm more excited to spend time in blog-land.

Also, I am going to start using Pinterest again. You can find my Pinterest links on the right sidebar.

Ok, back to relaxing!

xx, C


I had the worst headache yesterday and Ronald had to work late so our anniversary date was postponed. Instead we picked up pizza, drank whiskey sours, and watched The Walking Dead. Not too bad...

Tomorrow we are going to Dillon Beach (where we got engaged), it has been so long since we have been to the beach so I'm really looking forward to it! We will bring a little picnic and our books and just relax. I will take a bunch of pictures to share.

Today is going to be a rest day for me. I'm going to get a few things done around the house, and try my best to relax and take care of myself. We'll see how it goes...

How is your Friday?

xx, C



R and I have been married for nine years today! We got married as young kids and have been able to grow up together, which has been totally awesome.

Tonight we are going to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. I can't wait!

xx, C


Morning in the backyard

It's a cool two-days-to-Autumn morning. I can't wait for cooler days!

The blog is going to be going through a bit of a renovation in the coming days/week. So stay tuned!


My evening view

I love evenings. Can you see the silhouette of Amelia the big black puppy? Right now we are watching The Walking Dead season 2 again, and drinking whiskey sours. It's a good night.

xx, C

There are many more miles to roam

Woke sad this morning. Right now it's a battle to wait out the depression. Time can be so finicky and slow. The depression will wear itself out at some point, but waiting for that to happen is really difficult. 


My desk is such a mess these days. I found some organizers and am going to get things cleared off so I can get back to watercoloring and crafting.

I have been finding Martha Stewart craft paper globes and paper party decorations at discount stores for 75% off! I stocked up on white, pale red, and turqouise ones and am going to put them together for Christmas. I think a crafty Christmas is in order.

My closet has been a disaster for months now. I can't find all my clothes or shoes because they are piled up on the floor. It's time to get that cleaned up, maybe this week.

Our three pups are doing great together. Amelia and Cricket play all day which is really cute and Isabelle has so many hedgehog toys they are starting to plan a takeover! :)

Well, that's all for now.

xx, C


"Poor little old soul you were never here" -Bon Iver

Status update: I'm fine when I'm busy but when things slow down I become a depressed/suicidal mess. The thing is I can only be busy for so long before I burn out so I need to start the balancing process.

Last night Ronald and I went to get dinner and cocktails. On the way home I started having a little panic attack. I was freaking out about how I don't know what I'm doing, what my purpose is, why I exist. I know that seems existential and not so important to figure out, but it feels so close and so scary to wonder those things at my very core.

I also can't feel the love people have for me, the acceptance and support they give, I can only feel pain. I never am satisfied because good feelings don't register inside me. When Ronald says something sweet to me, I automatically start thinking about how horrible I am, or how he is lying. It sucks having so many defenses up that keep me from accepting comfort and good things.

I'm just exhausted and I have no f***ing clue what I'm doing.

Wish me luck, C



Another morning. Despite my sleeping/anti-depressant pill being raised I am still waking up several times a night. I guess that's how it goes at times.

I am trying to get back on my feet. It's hard going. I'm so exhausted but have to keep fighting and not give up.

I hope to get back to some actual interesting posts. I want to get back to normal life. Painting, writing, training our new puppy, working, and of course spending time with my new nephew! We'll see how things go...

xx, C


"and I'm telling myself it's gonna be alright" -Patty Griffin

I'm in one of my worst melt-downs. I'm to the point that I just want to give up. This is a bad place to be. I'm trying to hold on and remind myself that bad feelings go away eventually, but the thing is this emptiness doesn't go away. 

My psychiatrist rapidly raised one of my medications, is having me check-in with a phone call each evening, and mentioned hospitalization. I thought I was over this, but I guess I'm not.

I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel horrible. I keep a lot of these feelings hidden because I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm also afraid of being abandoned or written off as crazy if I'm truly honest about how bad things are and the things I am thinking.

I am so mad that depression and mental illness has totally ravaged my life. It breaks my sad heart.

Good thoughts are appreciated. 

xx, C



my sister at her baby shower in July with balloon wishes for baby.

I'm so excited for my sister Shannon and her husband Kevin who just had their first baby! Jonas Lyle Meng was born last night and is just precious. I will meet him for the first time today and I can't wait!

I am so excited to have a new nephew! It is going to be so much fun getting to know this little fella!

Congratulations Shannon and Kevin!

Love, C


not good

"I think I made you up inside my head." -Sylvia Plath

Things aren't going well. I had a pretty serious depression meltdown last night. I just feel hopeless and like I honestly don't know what to do with all this pain. I never thought I could go through so much and still be living, but here I am, sort of alive, feeling it all, and it really hurts.

Good thoughts are welcome.

xx, C


A true part of the family...

Cricket has been added to our family portrait! I love our little family!

Get in touch with Daisy over at Boux Who to get your own portrait done!

xx, C


Our ninth anniversary is coming up on the 20th of this month! We like to do the traditional anniversary gifts, and this year it is ceramic. So we have decided to get each other coffee mugs. We are going to pick them out together. Above are the ones we are thinking of getting.

Not sure what we will do for our anniversary, but I'm thinking of going to the beach. I especially want to go get a chocolate soufflé together. That sounds lovely!

I'm at work today. I really wanted to stay home in bed as I am a bit sick and have to be put on antibiotics. :( But since I am not contagious or anything I decided to get out of the house. So here we go...

xx, C


some favorites

I made a photo book on Shutterfly this morning, and here are a few of my favorite photographs.

Ronald is off to work and I am staying home today to catch up on a few things and run some errands. I am hoping to get a chance to watercolor or finish up the newsletter (which will be sent out tomorrow). We'll see how much I can get done.

I am balancing a lot of things right now. Work, raising a puppy, keeping our house livable, blogging + newsletter, working on some projects with my sister, and trying to start my etsy store. It can be a bit overwhelming but at least I'm not bored! I hate being bored so having things to fill up my time is nice.

Would you rather be too busy or a little bored?

xx, C