life collection

Dear Darlings,

How was your weekend? Mine turned into an interesting mess as usual.

I get mood swings on the weekend, especially on days when I need to have a  good attitude or when I am looking forward to something. For example, Sunday was our date day and damn was I looking forward to it. We did a few things and then my mood crashed through the gutters and I felt awful and irritable and unhappy. We decided to end the date early and go home so I could rest (something we end up doing a lot). I was filled with disappointment, mainly in myself. So much of the time I can put on a brave face when I am falling apart. I don't want to pretend all the time, so date day is my time to let go and just be myself, but its hard when the mood won't cooperate. I end up feeling like the day was stolen from me.

I came home and rested only to wake to more bad moods and irritability. I was that way the whole evening and the only help was once glass of wine which took the edge off a bit. Then of course my night was filled with dreams of being held hostage and murdered. I'm tired. I'm tired of not feeling good and being stalked by the bad moods of my illness.

The worst thing about my mood swings is I can't define what I need or want during it. I have no idea what will cheer me up, it feels like nothing will, and that is a horrible feeling.

Ah well, and oh me, and all those sighing words we say half-full heartedly under our breath.

Love, C