4/3/12

pep talk


This is kind of a revealing post for me. I have been feeling like a failure so much lately and thought I would just write it out and confront it. So here it is.

x, C


Why I think I'm a failure:

I don't have a job and don't want one.

I don't feel competent to do basic things if I did have a job like communicate properly, or count change, or handle stressful situations.

I don't have many friends.

I am overweight.

I am dreadfully shy in certain situations.

I gave up on college.

I'm having trouble getting pregnant (even though this is totally not in my power to control, I still feel super guilty and not like real woman).

I have depression/intense mood swings and live with suicidal thoughts.

I'm not book smart.

I suck at math.

I am not a great artist or creative genius and I don't really commit to anything I start to make.

I don't think I'm pretty or even remotely cute.

---

Lets think about this:

I don't have a job and don't want one.

This is totally ok, there is nothing wrong with not wanting a job or not working especially since we aren't struggling financially.

I don't feel competent to do basic things if I did have a job like communicate properly, or count change, or handle stressful situations.

People around me think I am more competent than I give myself credit. I am well-spoken, and a quick study so I could learn all these things if I needed to. I also have gotten through years of stressful situations and am still alive.

I don't have many friends.

This is a hard one for me, its so emotional, but I just don't get out much, I honestly don't know how adults make friends. :(

I am overweight.

Another really emotional one. I am counting calories and working on getting this under control. My goal is to lose 15 to 20 pounds, I want to lose more, but this is a step in the right direction.

I am dreadfully shy in certain situations and never know what to say.

Its ok to be shy and not know what to say, its also ok to speak up or say something stupid.

I gave up on college.

I can always go back, and really what would a degree do for me right now? Do it because I want it not because I think it will be a symbol that I am good enough.

I'm having trouble getting pregnant (even though this is totally not in my power to control, I still feel super guilty and not like real woman) I doubt we will ever have children.

It isn't my fault. I am doing everything I can. I am going to set up an appointment with a specialist next month.

I have depression/intense mood swings and live with suicidal thoughts.

This is an illness and isn't some character flaw. I fight these things every day and I can keep fighting. I have to keep fighting and doing my best.

I'm not book smart.

I am emotionally smart and I understand concepts really well, just because I don't know names or dates of events doesn't mean I'm stupid.

I suck at math.

Its ok. I can learn it if I want to.

I am not a great artist or creative genius and I don't really commit to anything I start to make.

This is something I can work on, I need to dedicate myself to something I am passionate about even if I am scared.

I don't think I'm pretty or even remotely cute.

I need to be more positive and gentle with myself, I judge myself super harshly. And I have R who tells me I am pretty everyday...that's something.



2 comments:

  1. http://zeronollie.tumblr.com/post/20400219331

    Chin up, sweet darling!

    -Mandy Q
    Button Up, Buttercup

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think you are too hard on yourself C. You are a work in progress and make a lovely home for you and R. And clearly you have a wonderful marriage. Take care ok and listen to the kind and rational voice xx

    ReplyDelete

I adore your notes! Please don't be shy! :)