Hello Darlings. Thanks for all your sweet comments on my last post. I am feeling a bit better or at least not worse, which is something.

Today we are headed to get tattoos, we don't have an appointment but are hoping they won't be too busy. I'm so excited! If it doesn't happen today I will probably pout the whole way home. ;) I can't wait to show you the tattoo I'm going to get. I think it will be awesome!

x, C



I'm getting depressed and all I want to do is go to the beach. Right now my depression is just at the melancholy/grumpy stage but I know if I let it have free reign it will get worse. I have therapy after a week and a half off (I usually go twice a week so thats a long break). I hate this haunting monster and just want it to go away.

I'm at the point in my depression battle where I know my warning signs, and I have a few things I can do to lessen things at times. Other times it just attacks and there is nothing I can do about it, no matter what healthy things I choose to do in attempt to abate it the depression sticks like glue.

So now to trying to get through until noontime therapy.

xx, C


write, write, write

I can't think of any starts

To a day, to a week, to a year,

Not even to a sentence.

It all seems to trod away. Clap and claw,

Clap and claw goes that familiar song of

Getting things done and moving forward.

As I remain stagnated in the pit, watching

Everyone go by like so many male pregnant seahorses.


My paragraph fades away.

My face melts beaded with sweat and candle wax.

I want to create and do but feel the

Stuck as honey tum-tum feeling. It holds my innards in place

And leaves a sticky sweet film on my heart.

Until all I hear are whispers, and everything I see is through a

Frosted kaleidoscope lens.


I feel strange, the edges of depression starting to simmer

Until I get hot with it, full from it.

The levels change with that slick energy.

It goes happily and sorrowfully through veins.

Some days slow, some days strong and steady.

The bad is like a roaring cloud, damp and uneven.

Glossing over me in sheets of metallic rain

Until I think, I can't god-damn take anymore.


The trick phrase is "in spite".

In spite of this shit, I will keep

Going, keep my heart attached

With at least one thread

(The needle I carry often used to sew me back together).

In spite of this gloom I will wait for something orange-fizzy-hot

To brighten the sky.

In spite of my life being like an exhaust filled backfire I will

Tread on with my two feet, my two hands reaching out

To touch what I can't see.


xx, C

a few things

I love to write things down. I have so many journals packed full of lists and other miscellanea, its so fun to look through them years later and see what I was doing or thinking about.

It was so stormy last night! Our front door kept creaking from the strong winds and the rain came down hard. I love storms but am getting slightly tired of having to bundle all the time. I think our sky forgot it is Spring.

I don't have any plans for today other than vague ideas of painting or writing. I have been really lacking energy and motivation these days, its hard even to take a shower. Damn meds and damn mood swings.

Love, C



I wake to

A rained filled morning.

A curdled milk feeling

In the stomach.

An outstretched arm

From across the sheets.

A wake up kiss.

A scatterbrained skull ache

With the trauma of

A bad night's sleep.

A dream idea of something

Plainly brilliant.

A coffee breakfast,

A soap shower.


The idyllic scenery of our deep green Northern California dwelling.

As we drive like darlings down the rain swept highway

To a thick coffee morning stop. To two silver databases wide open,

To sweet looks back and forth. To a type on a key. A simple word

Here and there, a reality that people exist besides us.

There is more than our cozy house,our cozy town, our snug

Lace intertwined fingers.

"your hopes are getting slender"

R and I are going to set up tattoo appointments! We are both wanting to get two eventually but may not have the budget for everything we want so we'll see. For our first tattoos R is going to get a silhouette of Abraham Lincoln on the inside of his upper arm and I am going to get a tattoo across my chest, not sure if I want to tell you all what it is yet...I might reveal that later. The weird thing is it came to me in a dream last night, kind of funny how its possible to have a brilliant idea even in sleep!

For our second tattoos R wants this really cool Civil War era drawing of a devil holding a barrel of whiskey and I want a quill on my forearm with a banner through it that says "In the Summer air" which is a lyric from my favorite song but the meaning is that this Summer was the first Summer I had without depression, which is a pretty big deal.

Right now we are at a coffee shop and R is hard at work while I play around on my computer and listen to Nina Simone.

xx, C



Hello Dears! Sorry about the very short absence, but Vegas kind of took me over the last few days.

We had a lot of fun eating good food, drinking, and winning a pinch of money at the casino (I know a rare treat to win). I'm ready to go home, I love Vegas but only in short-ish doses.

I miss our pups so much, I'm so crazy about those cute little things.

Now back to reality. Things need to be done: cleaning, unpacking, grocery shopping, and oh did I mention cleaning? Our house is in a very sad state at the moment and needs a good scrubbing. I also can't wait to see what Spring flowers are at the market and to cook dinner here and there.

I did get some much much needed relaxing in. I can't wait to sit at my desk and paint with my tiny set of watercolors. I also have a  plan to move some things around in my craft room, we'll see if the layout I have in mind will actually work.

What have you been up to?

Love, C


some airplane notes

We are on our way to Vegas. The airplane rumble tumbles and I sit here, ached and all and ok and self-conscious and oh so Catherine. Life can be a mixed bag at times.

My ears full of the sound of wind scraping the wings and the jetted plume left behind, our one mark on the world. 

I try hard. To be something, to be ok. This isn't easy for a child like me. I feel like a child although I am adult-ing at twenty-eight. Burgeoning holes in my own steam cast future.

They pop, those ears. Those two holes out of the five holes in the head. Leaving my head filling inflated, bigger, less, all at the same time.

I struggle with it and am oh so very okay as well, too. I seem to trudge from bed, open a bag of cereal and a jar of coffee and pummel into my days full steam ahead until 'pop' it hits like a moon rush, I hit the semi-colon of the day and feel the need for a nap, otherwise death will ensue (it is really quite serious). Then awakened by my own inner motor I sit up, go on, make a mess of dinner and feed the two dogs. Then it is time for a quick mind rest (that never works, I don't rest, I just don't) and henceforth to bed.

I don't rest because I can't let go. I hold on so tightly to my ideas, my sanity, the hope that I can make it through another day, and that he will come home-as always each night. Somehow one day this will stop. One day I will be on a bed, or in a chair, or even standing and die. I can't hold onto things forever, this in itself is disconcerting. 

Airplane writings are always tangible and interesting. I feel trapped and present and see that claustrophobic cloud looming over head like a punching bag. Things are in front of me, beside me, in back of me. I hate things being in back of me. My wide cautious eyes unable to see the killer within and without.

"From now on" I think this a lot, making vague and important decisions in my self-loathed noggin of how things would be better if I did this, that, made it so. It would expand my range of living from a sorrowful old legged chair to a comfy divan. This is hope, but I never do the tasks to get there. The most I can do is paint, scrub brushes along thick paper to make a small handheld decoration.

Its cold and my sea foam green nails start to shiver. The cold weather bird rarely hits me as I run hot as a coal locomotive but for the rare occasion I always bring a sweater.

Dizziness hits the plane, oh how it hits, so much corralled force shimmying me in my seat.

My life is kind of cursed, and kind of fantastic at the same time. 
He being gentle and sweet, my one life rock, holding me steady when the unending carousel pulls me up and reminds me jumping is always an option. To take certain things of the table, while also building pillars of the good strong sturdy stuff. 

This up and down life...I think...is so up and down.

Vegas day one

Yesterday we hopped on an early flight and headed to Vegas! We are here with my sister, her hubs, and my in-laws and are having so much fun!

Today sister and I are going shopping. I can't wait and hope I find some goodies!

Love, C


My travel plan

Tomorrow we leave for a Vegas vacation. I'm so excited!

The way I pack:

I keep a list on my laptop of the main things I always bring and then mix and match clothes and jewelry. It helps me not forget any of the basics.

I bring a few pairs of shoes as we do a lot of walking.

I bring a warm sweater or hoodie and a beenie and scarf as the casinos are so cold even when it is warm outside.

I bring snacks! Its no fun to have to stop at the gift shop all the time just to pick up a granola bar.

I bring zicam whenever I go on a trip. I always seem to get sick while traveling and its good to have just in case.

I always bring lotion and moisturizing face wash. Vegas is so dry especially with all the air conditioning!

I bring candles. Its always relaxing for me to have a  candle lit while I read before bed.

I always bring way more clothes than I need. I am so fickle about what to wear and the worst thing is not wearing something I feel good in.

I bring my journal, and a book for the plane ride.

This time I'm going to bring my watercolors so I can paint, which will be so fun. I try to give myself a little downtime whenever I go on a trip.

Lastly, I drink a ton of water while I am there. I always seem to get a sore throat when I don't and that's really no fun.


I love traveling and Vegas is one of our favorite stops. I really can't wait!

xx, C


seven a.m.

Its Spring and its morning. I'm at my sturdy and rather messy desk thinking of something meaningful to say.

The sun is coming out and its beautiful. I want to paint but my energy has been waning these days and I'd much rather rest and do nothing. I'm tired of not having energy. Being on four antidepressants is a blessing and a curse. Its good because at the moment I'm not depressed, but its bad because I have to deal with all the exhausting side effects.

I have to kind of accept that this is how my life is. That things won't be perfect/I can't be perfect. I don't know why that can be so difficult.

Love, C



The book Artist's Journal Workshop is totally inspiring me art wise. Its full of ideas and beautiful pictures of mixed media art (mainly ink and watercolor). So last night I rushed out and bought a watercolor art journal to start filling with my little creations. 

In other news, I am stuck in a whirlwind of nightmares each night. I have always-always had nightmares, but this time around they are so intense and horrible, I don't even want to talk about them when I wake up. I wake up several times a night, but each time I go back to sleep the dream returns even stronger. I watch relaxing shows before bed, or read a slow book and last night tried a visualization but nothing helps. During the day I am haunted by the memory of the dream, its truly awful. Today I have therapy so I'm going to talk to my doctor about it and hopefully we can find some sort of solution or change my meds around a bit. I just don't want to sleep anymore. :(

This is what I'm trying to remember:

Love, C


afternoon desk

Spending the afternoon at my desk reading poems I wrote years ago and painting here and there. Its weird when I look at all the things I have written, the lists become masked corpses of old plans I had to get my life on track. Somehow it just clicks sometimes--list or not.

Right now life is sort of clicking. I am not in a deep depression. I would say I am melancholy, but I think that is just normal for me. The main thing I am struggling with these days is stress. I have so many side effects from this. My nights are filled with horrible nightmares (I mean horrible). I constantly have a tummy ache. I just can't slow down, can't calm down, can't rest. I feel like when I rest the monster (depression) comes back, so I have to keep going, going, going to keep it away.

This isn't true, but I can't convince myself that resting is good for me. Not to say I don't "rest", in fact, I took a nap today, but there is a difference between napping or sleeping and actually resting. Resting for me is a process of letting go of control, letting go of my hold on things. This letting go thing worries me. I have always had to have some control of my life, something that I could do or not do to keep my life my own, no matter how small.

I'm realizing this doesn't serve me as I do have so much control over my life now that I'm a grown-up. I'm not a slave to anyone or anything, I am free to be myself. But I can't let go of that little snow globe of habits I hold onto to keep me feeling safe.

The nasty trick is: I have to let it go to get to feeling truly safe, to get to a real freedom, to get to be myself. No more of this trying to fit into kids clothes, or live in the shadow of the past. Now its time to move on, but god-damn is it hard.



I wrote out some of my poetry on my drawings before I got out the watercolors. I really like the way they turned out. I could only do four as the last one pictured was really hard for me. Its a poem I wrote while I was in deep depression and for some reason writing it out and painting over it made me feel a bit raw inside. I was thinking its interesting combining these sort of fun child-like paintings with so many intense grown-up words. I'm hoping I can somehow capture that bittersweetness that tinges the periphery of our lives like the thin textured sides of a coin.

I really like the note on the first painting. It says-- "I love you because: you have freckles. You are easy going like a slow song. You have a passion that beats more than mine." ('passion that beats' meaning like a heartbeat). I wrote that about R last year, and it still is so true.

xx, C

I have never

...bought this many shoes at one time! Yes, thats right, this morning I ordered five pairs of shoes from mod cloth. Since I got rid of basically half of my closet yesterday and only kept the things that fit and the things I love, I decided to treat myself to some new digs. I also ordered some clothes from Old Navy. Who knows, maybe one day I'll be brave enough to do an outfit post?

I'm also thinking of doing a video blog at some point. I'm a bit nervous about it, mainly because I tried earlier this week and totally failed technology wise. But it may be something I'll do eventually. 

I love each pair of these shoes, but I think my favorite are the floral mary janes and the cinnamon color close-toed sandals..

Wishing you a happy weekend!

Love, C



from here

I'm thinking of getting this print of a Gustav Klimt painting. Isn't it beautiful? I love the pink in her dress and think it will look great in our charcoal grey living room.

Its a clean out the closet day. I have so many clothes and shoes in my closet that I don't wear for one reason or another. So I think its time to go through every single thing and figure out what I like and what fits. From there I'm going to make a list of things I need and start putting together a wardrobe I am happy with. I really want to feel good in my clothes and like they reflect who I am.  Its a little overwhelming because my closet is an absolute disaster zone at the moment.

This weekend is going to be wonderful. First, R doesn't have to work, which is awesome! We are going to do some home projects and hang some shelves in our bedroom to hold my nail polish and jewelry (speaking of jewelry I really should go through all of that too). We are also going to go on a date. I really am craving vietnamese food so maybe we will go to one of our favorite little restaurants called Pho. I can't wait!

What are you doing this weekend?

xx, C


vintage fun

I love all the vintage goodies around the house. Sometimes I don't notice how special these things are and how much character they have. I especially love the pigs sad face, its so cute!

After a night of terrible nightmares (I mean terrible), I am going to have a cleaning day. The house needs a very good scrubbing from top to bottom. I bought a new feather duster and am so excited to use it (yes cleaning products can be exciting). I'm also going to run to my favorite Trader Joe's, and maybe do some baking and painting this afternoon.

Ronald has been taking a class in San Francisco all week. Usually it takes about thirty minutes to get to the city, but this week it has taken him two hours there and two hours to get home because of traffic. Its really no fun and I miss him so much. He is an instructor so has classes every week, but usually not five days a week and the rest of the time he works from home, so its weird not seeing him until the evening.

Love-love, C


more paint

Good morning my dears!

Its a rainy morning. I'm a bit exhausted but am slowly waking up. I am fighting my desire for another cup of coffee which isn't easy. :)

I'm loving painting so much these days. I think I am making some strides in getting better and yesterday I made a few things I can imagine making prints of and selling. That is exciting and encouraging. I'm running out of paper, but last week I ordered lots of watercolor postcards for a great deal. At an art/craft store fifteen sheets are $5.99, I found the same brand online for $3.09 per pack of fifteen! So I bought ten packs, I  most certainly will be set for a while!

The nice thing about having several passions is that I can go back and forth between them. When I don't feel like writing (which I really haven't lately), I can paint and vice-versa. I want to write more but the writing bug just hasn't hit me in the last week or so. I need to discipline myself more to try.

What is your favorite craft, thing to create?

xx, C


Card: Art: Rain: Printer

My first ever business card for my blog! Isn't it cute? I bought them from here and am impressed.

Some painting done today. I really love this one as it looks sort of like a pattern.

Two simple birds in love.

More birds in love.

My paint looking rather mucky after an  hour or so of painting.

Today has been kind of blah. It is raining and will be for the rest of the week. I took a hell of a long nap which felt lovely. Seriously, if the FedEx guy didn't come with my new camera I probably would still be asleep! By the way, I have yet to open the camera package...kind of waiting for the perfect moment, yes I'm silly-sentimental like that.

We got a printer. We have never really had one and the main reason I wanted it was to scan in my art and pictures. Of course, everything works but the scanner! Something about it not working with macs. So I think I will be returning it if I can't figure out a better solution. I really just want something that works without being a pain.

Anyway, hope you have a lovely evening, morning, whatever time it is when you read this.

Love, C


I have a lot of issues with shame. I feel it constantly about my weight. I always feel guilty when I eat anything in front of someone else even my husband. I think I am being judged constantly.

When I go shopping I feel so much shame when I have to pick out my size that is always hidden in the back of the rack. I hide my hangers or anything that says my size and feel so horrible when I pay for my items at the checkout. Being plus size, I also have to go to the plus section of stores and that is like pulling teeth for me, so devastating and painful, most of the time it makes me want to cry.

I avoid mirrors, I rarely wear heels or makeup that accentuates my features. I wear no eyeshadow and lipgloss instead of lipstick because I feel like it looks pretentious for me to even think I can look cute at this size.

All this makes me so sad. I want to have confidence about my looks. I want to accept myself at any size. Life gets busy and I often find myself putting this issue on the back burner because it is so overwhelming and I don't quite know how I will fix it, but I want to try.

How do you deal with shame? 

xx, C


...and should I even try this?

I'm thinking of starting an etsy store one of these days to sell my art prints. I have no idea if this is a good idea, but I do know it gives me little butterflies of excitement. I definitely want to get better at watercolor painting before I start selling things, I have already improved so much since these photos were taken. I was also thinking of going a more mixed media route. For example, I could write one of my poems on the paper, then draw a bird or some critter on top of that. Or I could make greeting cards that say things like "you are my nerdy birdie". Thoughts?

Second question: would you even buy something like this if they were a much better and printed well? Honest opinions please.

I'm so nervous to put myself out there and sell things I make. But I also think I have an interesting point of view and have something to share. My style of painting and drawing is a bit childish, but I think its kind of endearing and cute at the same time.

Anyway, would love some opinions on this whole idea. Please leave a comment!

xx, C



Last night R bought me a Bamboo Stylus for my Ipad. The nice thing is it works on every generation of Ipad (I have the first generation). I downloaded the Bamboo app and love it! You can create different notebooks and name each one and choose if you want lined paper or blank paper (or any type of paper in between).

Here is one of my little sketches on it. I have a lot to learn but its so much fun and easy to use! If you like drawing I totally recommend you snatch this combo up! The Stylus cost $30 and the app is $9.99 but its totally worth it. And just in case you didn't know this isn't a sponsored post, I just really like it.

Love, C



I have a deep-mine struggle with confidence. I act more confident than I actually am and am constantly doubting myself. I question everything I do and get lost in my head. I wonder: am I wearing the right outfit? Did I say the right thing? Did I choose the right path for my life? Am I crazy? Sometimes the doubts make such a clatter I can't even think straight. 

I'm trying to define who I am. And what I'm realizing is that I am a confident and direct person (or at least I want to be). I want to be self-assured. To have an anchor of self-acceptance to keep me grounded. I want to get rid of all this self-doubt. 

I'm not sure exactly how to get rid of the doubt, but I know writing about it and letting it see the light of day helps. 

Things I want to do to be more confident:

Wear red lipstick or just lipstick in general instead of lip gloss (for some reason this is a scary venture).

Wear clothes that make me feel good about myself and don't worry about being judged.

Smile when I'm in public and keep my head held high.

Wear heels.

Perhaps open an etsy shop selling things I make.

Take writing more seriously.

Focus on wellness in all areas of my life.


How do you battle the self-doubt bug?

xx, C


home and self-doubt

Here are a few goodies from around the house that I'm loving these days. I especially adore the vintage plate with this little mustached fella.

I'm struggling with some self-doubt today. I think I suck at writing as well as art. Part of me thinks this is my brain playing tricks on me, the other part thinks I finally am having a moment of clarity and that I should give it all up.

I don't think I could give it up even if I tried since it is such a part of who I am. As soon as I gain a pinch of confidence and feel like I can do it, I slam myself down with thoughts of how stupid I am. It is a bad, rotten habit.


I guess...

This chicken had a lot to say (chicken being I, and I being chicken). That all being said because I just wrote my "about" page and it basically looks like an essay.

Take a peak if you'd like. Also, if you read the blog at all click the :follow: button on my sidebar, I'd love to know who is reading!

xx, C

living things

Lately I have been feeling like a living thing. This is new for me, being that my depression tends to make me feel dead or near death both physically, and soul-wise. Yesterday I even told R that I was happy. That is a big statement, and after saying it I instantly felt jinxed, like somehow the depression gods heard and would send the disease back to me brick by brick.

But I said it, and there it stands. I am happy. Not ecstatic, not in a state of bliss, but solidly, tangibly, happy. Things go up and down and I find myself moody and disheartened in the evenings but that is much more bearable than feeling it all day.

I even sing little jingles here and there. One while I was twirling around in a new dress, another about being happy. Sometimes life can be a wee bit fun. This is a whole new type of living I am discovering. My life has always been so low and grey so to see some sun is pretty amazing.

Love, a happy C



A few things I have found:

Today I bought the watercolor box set and it is such better quality than the watercolors I have been using. The colors are so vibrant, I can tell a huge difference! Plus its portable, so I will certainly be taking it with me to Hawaii in May! 

I love the size of the watercolor postcards, just big enough for a small sketch. 

I ordered this Diana F+ Mini camera with some of R's poker winnings. It shipped today and I am on pins and needles waiting to use my first roll of film in over thirteen years!

I stumbled upon these glitter letters at a discount store today, as well as the sandals that are at Macy's for $69 right now, I can't believe I found them for such a good price!

xx, C