life collection

Hello Darlings. Thanks for all your sweet comments on my last post. I am feeling a bit better or at least not worse, which is something.

Today we are headed to get tattoos, we don't have an appointment but are hoping they won't be too busy. I'm so excited! If it doesn't happen today I will probably pout the whole way home. ;) I can't wait to show you the tattoo I'm going to get. I think it will be awesome!

x, C

I'm getting depressed and all I want to do is go to the beach. Right now my depression is just at the melancholy/grumpy stage but I know if I let it have free reign it will get worse. I have therapy after a week and a half off (I usually go twice a week so thats a long break). I hate this haunting monster and just want it to go away.

I'm at the point in my depression battle where I know my warning signs, and I have a few things I can do to lessen things at times. Other times it just attacks and there is nothing I can do about it, no matter what healthy things I choose to do in attempt to abate it the depression sticks like glue.

So now to trying to get through until noontime therapy.

xx, C

I can't think of any starts

To a day, to a week, to a year,

Not even to a sentence.

It all seems to trod away. Clap and claw,

Clap and claw goes that familiar song of

Getting things done and moving forward.

As I remain stagnated in the pit, watching

Everyone go by like so many male pregnant seahorses.

---

My paragraph fades away.

My face melts beaded with sweat and candle wax.

I want to create and do but feel the

Stuck as honey tum-tum feeling. It holds my innards in place

And leaves a sticky sweet film on my heart.

Until all I hear are whispers, and everything I see is through a

Frosted kaleidoscope lens.

---

I feel strange, the edges of depression starting to simmer

Until I get hot with it, full from it.

The levels change with that slick energy.

It goes happily and sorrowfully through veins.

Some days slow, some days strong and steady.

The bad is like a roaring cloud, damp and uneven.

Glossing over me in sheets of metallic rain

Until I think, I can't god-damn take anymore.

---

The trick phrase is "in spite".

In spite of this shit, I will keep

Going, keep my heart attached

With at least one thread

(The needle I carry often used to sew me back together).

In spite of this gloom I will wait for something orange-fizzy-hot

To brighten the sky.

In spite of my life being like an exhaust filled backfire I will

Tread on with my two feet, my two hands reaching out

To touch what I can't see.

---

xx, C

I love to write things down. I have so many journals packed full of lists and other miscellanea, its so fun to look through them years later and see what I was doing or thinking about.

It was so stormy last night! Our front door kept creaking from the strong winds and the rain came down hard. I love storms but am getting slightly tired of having to bundle all the time. I think our sky forgot it is Spring.

I don't have any plans for today other than vague ideas of painting or writing. I have been really lacking energy and motivation these days, its hard even to take a shower. Damn meds and damn mood swings.

Love, C

I wake to

A rained filled morning.

A curdled milk feeling

In the stomach.

An outstretched arm

From across the sheets.

A wake up kiss.

A scatterbrained skull ache

With the trauma of

A bad night's sleep.

A dream idea of something

Plainly brilliant.

A coffee breakfast,

A soap shower.

---

The idyllic scenery of our deep green Northern California dwelling.

As we drive like darlings down the rain swept highway

To a thick coffee morning stop. To two silver databases wide open,

To sweet looks back and forth. To a type on a key. A simple word

Here and there, a reality that people exist besides us.

There is more than our cozy house,our cozy town, our snug

Lace intertwined fingers.

R and I are going to set up tattoo appointments! We are both wanting to get two eventually but may not have the budget for everything we want so we'll see. For our first tattoos R is going to get a silhouette of Abraham Lincoln on the inside of his upper arm and I am going to get a tattoo across my chest, not sure if I want to tell you all what it is yet...I might reveal that later. The weird thing is it came to me in a dream last night, kind of funny how its possible to have a brilliant idea even in sleep!

For our second tattoos R wants this really cool Civil War era drawing of a devil holding a barrel of whiskey and I want a quill on my forearm with a banner through it that says "In the Summer air" which is a lyric from my favorite song but the meaning is that this Summer was the first Summer I had without depression, which is a pretty big deal.

Right now we are at a coffee shop and R is hard at work while I play around on my computer and listen to Nina Simone.

xx, C

Hello Dears! Sorry about the very short absence, but Vegas kind of took me over the last few days.

We had a lot of fun eating good food, drinking, and winning a pinch of money at the casino (I know a rare treat to win). I'm ready to go home, I love Vegas but only in short-ish doses.

I miss our pups so much, I'm so crazy about those cute little things.

Now back to reality. Things need to be done: cleaning, unpacking, grocery shopping, and oh did I mention cleaning? Our house is in a very sad state at the moment and needs a good scrubbing. I also can't wait to see what Spring flowers are at the market and to cook dinner here and there.

I did get some much much needed relaxing in. I can't wait to sit at my desk and paint with my tiny set of watercolors. I also have a  plan to move some things around in my craft room, we'll see if the layout I have in mind will actually work.

What have you been up to?

Love, C

He being gentle and sweet, my one life rock, holding me steady when the unending carousel pulls me up and reminds me jumping is always an option. To take certain things of the table, while also building pillars of the good strong sturdy stuff. 

Yesterday we hopped on an early flight and headed to Vegas! We are here with my sister, her hubs, and my in-laws and are having so much fun!

Today sister and I are going shopping. I can't wait and hope I find some goodies!

Love, C

Tomorrow we leave for a Vegas vacation. I'm so excited!

The way I pack:

I keep a list on my laptop of the main things I always bring and then mix and match clothes and jewelry. It helps me not forget any of the basics.

I bring a few pairs of shoes as we do a lot of walking.

I bring a warm sweater or hoodie and a beenie and scarf as the casinos are so cold even when it is warm outside.

I bring snacks! Its no fun to have to stop at the gift shop all the time just to pick up a granola bar.

I bring zicam whenever I go on a trip. I always seem to get sick while traveling and its good to have just in case.

I always bring lotion and moisturizing face wash. Vegas is so dry especially with all the air conditioning!

I bring candles. Its always relaxing for me to have a  candle lit while I read before bed.

I always bring way more clothes than I need. I am so fickle about what to wear and the worst thing is not wearing something I feel good in.

I bring my journal, and a book for the plane ride.

This time I'm going to bring my watercolors so I can paint, which will be so fun. I try to give myself a little downtime whenever I go on a trip.

Lastly, I drink a ton of water while I am there. I always seem to get a sore throat when I don't and that's really no fun.

---

I love traveling and Vegas is one of our favorite stops. I really can't wait!

xx, C

Its Spring and its morning. I'm at my sturdy and rather messy desk thinking of something meaningful to say.

The sun is coming out and its beautiful. I want to paint but my energy has been waning these days and I'd much rather rest and do nothing. I'm tired of not having energy. Being on four antidepressants is a blessing and a curse. Its good because at the moment I'm not depressed, but its bad because I have to deal with all the exhausting side effects.

I have to kind of accept that this is how my life is. That things won't be perfect/I can't be perfect. I don't know why that can be so difficult.

Love, C

Spending the afternoon at my desk reading poems I wrote years ago and painting here and there. Its weird when I look at all the things I have written, the lists become masked corpses of old plans I had to get my life on track. Somehow it just clicks sometimes--list or not.

Right now life is sort of clicking. I am not in a deep depression. I would say I am melancholy, but I think that is just normal for me. The main thing I am struggling with these days is stress. I have so many side effects from this. My nights are filled with horrible nightmares (I mean horrible). I constantly have a tummy ache. I just can't slow down, can't calm down, can't rest. I feel like when I rest the monster (depression) comes back, so I have to keep going, going, going to keep it away.

This isn't true, but I can't convince myself that resting is good for me. Not to say I don't "rest", in fact, I took a nap today, but there is a difference between napping or sleeping and actually resting. Resting for me is a process of letting go of control, letting go of my hold on things. This letting go thing worries me. I have always had to have some control of my life, something that I could do or not do to keep my life my own, no matter how small.

I'm realizing this doesn't serve me as I do have so much control over my life now that I'm a grown-up. I'm not a slave to anyone or anything, I am free to be myself. But I can't let go of that little snow globe of habits I hold onto to keep me feeling safe.

The nasty trick is: I have to let it go to get to feeling truly safe, to get to a real freedom, to get to be myself. No more of this trying to fit into kids clothes, or live in the shadow of the past. Now its time to move on, but god-damn is it hard.

I wrote out some of my poetry on my drawings before I got out the watercolors. I really like the way they turned out. I could only do four as the last one pictured was really hard for me. Its a poem I wrote while I was in deep depression and for some reason writing it out and painting over it made me feel a bit raw inside. I was thinking its interesting combining these sort of fun child-like paintings with so many intense grown-up words. I'm hoping I can somehow capture that bittersweetness that tinges the periphery of our lives like the thin textured sides of a coin.

I really like the note on the first painting. It says-- "I love you because: you have freckles. You are easy going like a slow song. You have a passion that beats more than mine." ('passion that beats' meaning like a heartbeat). I wrote that about R last year, and it still is so true.

xx, C

I'm thinking of getting this print of a Gustav Klimt painting. Isn't it beautiful? I love the pink in her dress and think it will look great in our charcoal grey living room.

Its a clean out the closet day. I have so many clothes and shoes in my closet that I don't wear for one reason or another. So I think its time to go through every single thing and figure out what I like and what fits. From there I'm going to make a list of things I need and start putting together a wardrobe I am happy with. I really want to feel good in my clothes and like they reflect who I am.  Its a little overwhelming because my closet is an absolute disaster zone at the moment.

This weekend is going to be wonderful. First, R doesn't have to work, which is awesome! We are going to do some home projects and hang some shelves in our bedroom to hold my nail polish and jewelry (speaking of jewelry I really should go through all of that too). We are also going to go on a date. I really am craving vietnamese food so maybe we will go to one of our favorite little restaurants called Pho. I can't wait!

What are you doing this weekend?

xx, C

Good morning my dears!

Its a rainy morning. I'm a bit exhausted but am slowly waking up. I am fighting my desire for another cup of coffee which isn't easy. :)

I'm loving painting so much these days. I think I am making some strides in getting better and yesterday I made a few things I can imagine making prints of and selling. That is exciting and encouraging. I'm running out of paper, but last week I ordered lots of watercolor postcards for a great deal. At an art/craft store fifteen sheets are $5.99, I found the same brand online for $3.09 per pack of fifteen! So I bought ten packs, I  most certainly will be set for a while!

The nice thing about having several passions is that I can go back and forth between them. When I don't feel like writing (which I really haven't lately), I can paint and vice-versa. I want to write more but the writing bug just hasn't hit me in the last week or so. I need to discipline myself more to try.

What is your favorite craft, thing to create?

xx, C

My first ever business card for my blog! Isn't it cute? I bought them from here and am impressed.

I'm thinking of starting an etsy store one of these days to sell my art prints. I have no idea if this is a good idea, but I do know it gives me little butterflies of excitement. I definitely want to get better at watercolor painting before I start selling things, I have already improved so much since these photos were taken. I was also thinking of going a more mixed media route. For example, I could write one of my poems on the paper, then draw a bird or some critter on top of that. Or I could make greeting cards that say things like "you are my nerdy birdie". Thoughts?

Second question: would you even buy something like this if they were a much better and printed well? Honest opinions please.

I'm so nervous to put myself out there and sell things I make. But I also think I have an interesting point of view and have something to share. My style of painting and drawing is a bit childish, but I think its kind of endearing and cute at the same time.

Anyway, would love some opinions on this whole idea. Please leave a comment!

xx, C

Last night R bought me a Bamboo Stylus for my Ipad. The nice thing is it works on every generation of Ipad (I have the first generation). I downloaded the Bamboo app and love it! You can create different notebooks and name each one and choose if you want lined paper or blank paper (or any type of paper in between).

Here is one of my little sketches on it. I have a lot to learn but its so much fun and easy to use! If you like drawing I totally recommend you snatch this combo up! The Stylus cost $30 and the app is $9.99 but its totally worth it. And just in case you didn't know this isn't a sponsored post, I just really like it.

Love, C

Here are a few goodies from around the house that I'm loving these days. I especially adore the vintage plate with this little mustached fella.

I'm struggling with some self-doubt today. I think I suck at writing as well as art. Part of me thinks this is my brain playing tricks on me, the other part thinks I finally am having a moment of clarity and that I should give it all up.

I don't think I could give it up even if I tried since it is such a part of who I am. As soon as I gain a pinch of confidence and feel like I can do it, I slam myself down with thoughts of how stupid I am. It is a bad, rotten habit.

This chicken had a lot to say (chicken being I, and I being chicken). That all being said because I just wrote my "about" page and it basically looks like an essay.

Take a peak if you'd like. Also, if you read the blog at all click the :follow: button on my sidebar, I'd love to know who is reading!

xx, C

Lately I have been feeling like a living thing. This is new for me, being that my depression tends to make me feel dead or near death both physically, and soul-wise. Yesterday I even told R that I was happy. That is a big statement, and after saying it I instantly felt jinxed, like somehow the depression gods heard and would send the disease back to me brick by brick.

But I said it, and there it stands. I am happy. Not ecstatic, not in a state of bliss, but solidly, tangibly, happy. Things go up and down and I find myself moody and disheartened in the evenings but that is much more bearable than feeling it all day.

I even sing little jingles here and there. One while I was twirling around in a new dress, another about being happy. Sometimes life can be a wee bit fun. This is a whole new type of living I am discovering. My life has always been so low and grey so to see some sun is pretty amazing.

Love, a happy C